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Old 10-18-2005, 09:38 PM   #1
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Unwilling's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67
Default seemingly oblivious

I'm not a big fan of poetry. And while scanning what other people have here, I feel completely retarded posting this. of course, the whole point of pointing this is to let you tell me what you think - tear the work into pieces by exposing the weaknesses of this poem. please. I want to get better.

seemingly obvious

shotgun is always wonderful
i get to view the world, but like
without the responsibility
Psychologically speaking there
are multiple opportunities

My eyes replace capsules of
the foliage with the vacuous
deeds of people without control
(The sun seems so foreign, like
one of those guilt trips)

your eyes arenít here
but i want to see them, after all
i might see something like your daughter
fine, keep driving then

the brain prohibits me from
doing vacuous deeds, but
solitude retards anyone down, like
that moment i had alone

with your daughter

We discovered the universal use for our bodies
ithink i have a new obsession
then again
iím talking nonsense
you wouldnít want to hear
She'll seem too verminous

(i look like a lamb of god
but iím not
it just makes me look moral)

You have enough problems
like that business project due tomorrow
i take notice of the trivial many
praying for a better use

The radio hums an urbane jazz theme
leaving conversation to germinate. Sure,
iím just a forgettable love interest
a few more months, then a storm
and I donít exist anymore

Actually, turn around here, andÖ
here we are
thanks for the ride
(The road to your house
isnít at all serpentine)

After giving you the hand that
infringed your daughter
i slam the door

the sun gives me nutrients to smile
seeing your unknowing faÁade
aided more. Iím going home
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