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-   -   seemingly oblivious (https://teenlit.com/forums/showthread.php?t=234)

Unwilling 10-18-2005 09:38 PM

seemingly oblivious
 
I'm not a big fan of poetry. And while scanning what other people have here, I feel completely retarded posting this. of course, the whole point of pointing this is to let you tell me what you think - tear the work into pieces by exposing the weaknesses of this poem. please. I want to get better. :)

seemingly obvious

shotgun is always wonderful
i get to view the world, but like
without the responsibility
Psychologically speaking there
are multiple opportunities

My eyes replace capsules of
the foliage with the vacuous
deeds of people without control
(The sun seems so foreign, like
one of those guilt trips)

your eyes arenít here
but i want to see them, after all
i might see something like your daughter
fine, keep driving then

the brain prohibits me from
doing vacuous deeds, but
solitude retards anyone down, like
that moment i had alone

with your daughter

We discovered the universal use for our bodies
ithink i have a new obsession
then again
iím talking nonsense
you wouldnít want to hear
She'll seem too verminous

(i look like a lamb of god
but iím not
it just makes me look moral)

You have enough problems
like that business project due tomorrow
i take notice of the trivial many
praying for a better use

The radio hums an urbane jazz theme
leaving conversation to germinate. Sure,
iím just a forgettable love interest
a few more months, then a storm
and I donít exist anymore

Actually, turn around here, andÖ
here we are
thanks for the ride
(The road to your house
isnít at all serpentine)

After giving you the hand that
infringed your daughter
i slam the door

the sun gives me nutrients to smile
but
seeing your unknowing faÁade
aided more. Iím going home

Vennila X Vana 10-19-2005 03:47 PM

Whoa, is that about like being in the car with your girlfriend's mother? It is dark, deep and there are some lines that make me go, oh you tease! and other that make me want to turn you down without a second thought Saturday night.

First of all:
shotgun is always wonderful
i get to view the world, but like
without the responsibility
Psychologically speaking there
are multiple opportunities

This. Blech. I know you can do better because other lines are soooo goood. Are you talking to me here? We're not on the phone, this is a poem. I'm not saying poems have to be like proper or anything, this just sounds like a conversation. And there is no punctuation. Not cool. Also, what's with the use of the word like there?

Second:
My eyes replace capsules of
the foliage with the vacuous
deeds of people without control
(The sun seems so foreign, like
one of those guilt trips)

"My eyes replace capules of foliage." I like, I like tres much, but "the vacuous deeds of people without control?" Empty, void, deeds? Why would people without control do that? What's an empty "deed" anyway. I know vacuous can mean stupid or I think using it is really more deterimental to the poem. Also you used it more than once, for a poor word choice. What guilt trips? I can't see any relation between the sun and guilt trips or vacuous deeds. Again, punctuation would really make this poem work better.

your eyes aren’t here
but i want to see them, after all
i might see something like your daughter
fine, keep driving then

the brain prohibits me from
doing vacuous deeds, but
solitude retards anyone down, like
that moment i had alone

with your daughter

Capitalize that I. Punctuation! Really!! This part, is nice! I adore it, the imagery. But it really just all runs together and is distorting your message. Punctuate it, and vacuous deeds? I'm not sure I like that. Or I don't know if it's just me, but I can't relate to solitude retarding anyone.

The rest of the poem, I really love, can relate to and it just ooh, you're good! But really add some punctuation, define the flow or else the reader will try to and your message won't get across. I really love it, there are only a few minor mistakes really.

It's not a bad poem at all, I get the image of a boy sitting in the car being driven home by his girlfriend's mother who is a mean cold hating machine. He's sitting away from her and just being retrospective. Sounds like my life.

Unwilling 10-19-2005 05:17 PM

Wow, this is more help then I thought I would get. I would like to take the time to thank you in the first sentence alone. Thank yous a lot. Also, for some reason I thought I had the punctuation there, but as I was re-reading the poem and I was all "Where the hell is the edit button?" But that didn't go anywhere.

Quote:

Whoa, is that about like being in the car with your girlfriend's mother

I can see why that you think that - and that's fine. On a different writing site, a guy assumed I was talking about the father and I was the moron who looked at the father after doing something (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say the word here, but I hope what I'm saying is implied) with the daughter that's usually frowned upon in society, but I guess perspective can really change for gender/life experiences of the audience - which is perfectly understandable. The guy who told me that seems to be past his teens.

Quote:

vacuous deeds

You know, your response is the general response I get when it came to that line. No one likes it. I plan to change that. I might add, the purpose of the "likes" was because yes, I was trying to give it the adolescent taste by adding those words. So it was supposed the writer being all polite but also in the teens. I'll add the punctuation later on.

Quote:

I get the image of a boy sitting in the car being driven home by his girlfriend's mother who is a mean cold hating machine.

I'm glad you got something out it the poem! And thanks so much for reading it. I plan on making it better of course, and redefining the words for it. Thanks so very much. I plan to repay the effort placed your response tenfold.

Vennila X Vana 10-19-2005 06:19 PM

haha you're welcome of course, but I enjoyed it. It is a good poem, that punctuation thing just really pissed me off. Grammar nazis, you know how it is.

I'm not past my teens, I'm 15. Maybe I'm mature for my age to have thought the same as him? haha, well what is your story behind the poem if it does not coincide with ours? I am curious.

Uhm, are there words we're not allowed to say on here? I figured we were all mature enough to handle a curse or the word sex every now and then.

See, if you had been consistent with the adolescent voice and not turned all retrospective-philosphoical then it would've worked. But you used it once and never again, and frankly, I think it's better without it.

haha oh, it better be good then to repay it tenfold, maybe in the form of ice-cream even.

Unwilling 10-19-2005 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vennila X Vana
I'm not past my teens, I'm 15. Maybe I'm mature for my age to have thought the same as him? haha, well what is your story behind the poem if it does not coincide with ours? I am curious.



Actually, the guy had it right sadly. Of course, its an exgrattion of real life events, but I was actually once alone with the father, and I grinned at the irony of the whole thing.

Quote:

Uhm, are there words we're not allowed to say on here? I figured we were all mature enough to handle a curse or the word sex every now and then.


sex. There, I did it.

Quote:

]ISee, if you had been consistent with the adolescent voice and not turned all retrospective-philosphoical then it would've worked. But you used it once and never again, and frankly, I think it's better without it.


That brings up a good point. I may as well either lean one way or the other. I'll consider that.

Quote:

haha oh, it better be good then to repay it tenfold, maybe in the form of ice-cream even.


So, where would I send this ice cream? I think it would be melted by the time it goes to your house.

Oblivion 11-07-2005 01:33 AM

Huh??
 
wait wat is happening???? i dnot get it.........cuold seom one exlaipn this to me:p

girlonfire 04-27-2006 01:49 PM

ok
 
it means well i'm sure...ok let me give u a taste of ure own medicine-

The presentation needs work for me, it made it hard to grasp the beat of it, the imagary was great but the ideas were scattered.


Its alright...i can't talk though sum uf mi poem are so shyty


p.s

stop using retard and retarded, it makes you sound retarded


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