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Old 08-17-2005, 02:09 AM   #11
Hawley Smoot
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Vennila X Vana

I agree with much of Sempron's review. Not bad for a first attempt, though this story could certainly use some work.

First of all, what’s the tone? What kind of story do you want this to be? It seems to mix the overly poetic with the overly symbolic, when what it wants to be (at least in my opinion) is a slice of this character’s life written honestly from the point of view of the narrator in the moment. For example, you use the words “tenfold,” “askance,” and “salutation” in, like, the first paragraph. I felt no connection to the character throughout the story, and because there’s no plot (not a complaint) the only way you root for her is if she’s likable and the audience can relate. The ending is nice. It promises a wonderful summer of possibilities but leaves the details up to the audience’s imagination. It’s life-affirming in the way that slice-of-life stories can be. But this doesn’t feel like a slice of life so much as a badly-written poem that’s been turned into a story of sorts.
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Old 08-17-2005, 12:05 PM   #12
Vennila X Vana
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I didn't know each story needed a well-defined tone, and that's kind of what the story is. It's just a little tid-bit of my life. It is kind of pointless, I guess. But I can't make the character seem more likable and easy to relate to, she's me. haha, but maybe I didn't accurately portray her. I'll give it a second glance and re-write.

Thanks for the comments.
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