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-   -   Short Story on a Poetry Dominated Plane (https://teenlit.com/forums/showthread.php?t=135)

Vennila X Vana 08-14-2005 10:07 PM

Short Story on a Poetry Dominated Plane
This doesn't really have a name, I penned straight out one night after the experience. I want to see if it's worth continuing or sprucing up, or what direction to take it in if I do continue it.

You guys rock.

I hear something other than rain outside the door, and automatically I freeze.
Things that "go bump in the night" heighten my senses tenfold.

A few minutes of sitting petrified with my back to the door, I hear the doorbell chime and am contemplating answering it as my father shoots annoyed glances. Finally he gets up and answers, I begin to fantasize about my boyfriend--whose shirt is falling askance off my shoulders--and the late night visits he's paid before. Wondering if it's him I subconsciously run a hand through my dark, unwashed hair. I hear a male voice at the door, young, and a friendly salutation by my father but as the voice nears, he's definitely young but he's not my boyfriend.
No longer concerned, I begin to toy with my nail polish, chipping away at it slowly, a new nervous habit of mine. He walks into our dim-lit kitchen where my father and I had been previously enjoying a quiet moment between ourselves, and I begin remember his name vaguely.
Deep in concentration with my nails only tidbits of their conversation float by my ears. Using my eyes I make my own inferences.
College Graduate. Handsome, definitely smart. Calculating the age difference and trying to recall a memory of his I lean in to catch the conversation.
"Hey Bud, missed you all last year! Why didn't you come last summer or for christmas?" my father asks, profoundly wanting to know.
He throws a smile in my direction like my intentions were made ever-clear to him, momentarily I am self-conscious again before I realize and am quick to chastise.
"I did a double major this year, because if not..." he drifts into technicalities, but I am amazed at how eloquent he is, I am waiting for him to confuse at least one verb tense so that I may be confirmed of his humanity.
"Uh, what did you major in?" I ask shyly, something I'm not very accustomed to.
He blushes for a moment and says slowly, "film studies," but he quickly catches himself and adds, "and engineering!" As if that could abate my laughter.
I look up sheepishly realizing my rudeness, but see that he's laughing too. More comfortably he launches into stories of an award winning seven-minute film he made this past year. He asks me to come watch tommorrow, and I tell him I'd like that, my clandestine confidence emerging.
In a pause between laughter he suddenly remembers something he feels pertinent, "George Bush came to my graduation!" he quips. And before I can help it laughter escapes my lips but my sharp tongue delivers a hasty rebuke, as I reply, "I'm sorry!" and point my gaze downward.
He looks in my direction, a puzzled expression on his face for a second before he smiles too.
I wonder if he'll kiss me by the end of the summer.

JEM 08-14-2005 10:25 PM

From what I got out of your introduction, this really happened. If it did, then write what happened.

I think it is worth following up. From what I read it seems like you enjoyed this experiance, so why not let your positive emotions out on paper?

I don't think you really need to 'spruce up' anything. The details describe everything that need to be described.

Isis 08-14-2005 10:26 PM

There was something in this that held my attention. Maybe something I could recognize? I just thought some of it was a tad unclear. I'm left wondering who this guy is - I'm was thinking, at first, the boyfriend, but now I'm guessing a neighbor or a family friend that she had a small crush on. This could go a lot of directions [as it's a bit ambiguous] and could be fun to work on. If you continued I'd say go for a little more exact detail and description.

Your second sentence bothered me a little...since this is so spare the things that you want to stand out should really work well. Maybe say "The things" and remove the quotation marks, or add a little...I don't know, but I think you can come up with something good. On the whole, though, 'Tis well written.

Vennila X Vana 08-14-2005 10:33 PM

To JEM: Yeah, this really happened. But the thing is, nothing happened after it. Like I saw him once more but nothing too exciting happened. So if I did continue it I would have to think of something. I'm wondering if I just end it here, would it merit to be a cute short story?

To Isis: [whose name makes me sing] I'm glad it held your attention haha, have you recognized it? I understand a lot of things are thrown in haphazardly but if end it here I wonder if it's just too ambiguous for any credit. Yeah family friend :) Nice guessing. The second sentence at first read
"I'm a little old lady at heart and things going bump in the night dont settle with my nerves" It looked weird, and it wasn't true so I opted for the one I have now. You think I should just trash that sentence altogether.

Isis 08-14-2005 10:40 PM

No, not trash it. Maybe edit it a little, but keep it true.

"The things that go bump in the night highten my senses tenfold, and I'm feeling the air crawl up my back." </random example>
Well, maybe I'm just being weird about that sentence.

Vennila X Vana 08-14-2005 10:45 PM

No as I explained, the sentence stuck like a sore thumb [do sore thumbs really stand out?] to me also. I like your edit, and I think I'll try a few sentences like it.

JEM 08-14-2005 10:48 PM

The first time I read this, I was thinking about that sentence, but I couldn't think of anything to replace it. Maybe omitting that sentence might help?

If you want to keep it you might say (a suggestion): "After watching (enter scary movie name), the night's mysterious sounds made a chill go up my spine."

On second thought, omit the sentence.

graguigleadhair 08-15-2005 12:19 PM

This story is really good and very describtive, but I'm slightly confused. If you have a boyfreind why do you want the stranger to kiss you?:confused:

Vennila X Vana 08-15-2005 05:47 PM

I just thought he was really cute, I wasn't putting that much thought into it. Of course he didn't, plus my boyfriend and I have a totally open relationship. I can tell him if I think other guys are cute and such. We rock.

Sempron101 08-17-2005 01:55 AM

Vennila x vana

I thought this was an intresting story.

What I liked was how it felt like a small piece of someone's life that I was just getting a glance at. The only thing I didn't like about it was that at some points I felt like I really didn't care. You lost my intrest in some places. I did like the ending because it felt like after the story ends the character's life continues on. This helped the whole "piece of someone's life" thing.
I didn't like some of the sentence structure and I thought some of the writing didn't fit in.

"Things that "go bump in the night" heighten my senses tenfold."

This sentence felt like it had no connection to the story and felt completely random. I did like some of the descriptions of her hair and her nail polish. It made it seem realistic. I think that maybe you should proofread it a little more, though. And maybe change the way some sentences are phrased, like "Finally he gets up and answers, I begin to fantasize about my boyfriend--whose shirt is falling askance off my shoulders--and the late night visits he's paid before." and "I hear a male voice at the door, young, and a friendly salutation by my father but as the voice nears, he's definitely young but he's not my boyfriend." They seem a little unnessarily wordy.
At the end of the story it kind of seemed pointless. And I thought I might care a little more if I knew: Who this guy was? Why she wants him to kiss her if she has a boyfriend?
I think maybe it needs a little more work, but it could be a good story.

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