Reble in Vraeldrix

[runnerkgirl]

yea Ameerah8 i agree i liked the origional part where he suddenly falls. you see the thing is when i was writing that part i only sorta knew where the story was going to go so wasn't sure if the elves were trying to get him to come to Vrealdrix or not but now i know and i guess you will have to find out what happens next when i post!

[Ameerah8]

I figured that was why, still no big it's still a good story. The second chapter was AWESOME!

[Isis]

First off, this would be a lot easier to read if you separated between paragraphs. Indents don't work on this board; you can simply put a space between each paragraph before you post. Where you would normally have one space in something that was indented [to show a scene change, or passage of time, or something] put two or three spaces.

I liked the scene with young Alex and his teacher. If you want to show his character [smart, sarcastic, "rebellious"] more of that would be a good thing.

Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like two peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a rebel who would never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had two thing in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school and they had no friends.ager.

Here, show a scene with Mark and Alex in it. Also remember that in a snooty prep school, kids are smart and kids are competing. Maybe Alex would have been accepted if he wasn't so sarcastic or brutally honest or whatever...so show the scene in which he screws over his own social prospects. There's the basis behind your exposition. [I'm also guessing that, as there will be elves and adventure, the more mundane aspects of school/life/parents will be soon forgotten]

“I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.”

I'm writing this critique as I go. I think that this is some blatant forshadowing for something, though I don't know what yet. I think it would be more realistic if he said something like "I dunno. I just felt awake. Maybe I'm adventurous today.", and he shrugged.

With the scene in the rotting school, I think you should describe a little more about what it felt like to be in there. It's old, it's forbidden. In places like this, there is an air of something different - that time passes differently, that there's a sort of speed or suspension that you don't get in normal life. I also think that he should walk a little further into the school before finding the orb. It seems to convienient; we'd also get a little more about the old wing. Maybe he notices some other slightly strange things...that later will point to the reason why the old building was abandoned, but left intact.

The second chapter is interesting.

As for editing; I'd say to not worry about it until you were done with at least 5 chapters. DEFINATELY edit, but if you're in a good forward steam as far as getting your story down? go with that. Get down your beginning and part of your middle, and then you can revise that draft as you go forward with the meat of your story.

[Imrahil1234]

Awsome! My one suggestion is maybe putting a bit more about some of things he saw, heard etc while he was running, maybe a bit more about this unknown, mystical land.

[Oblivion]

i like the origional better, i like imagining things by myself, but heck im weird like that, the second chapter is really cool i like the way you narrarate the book, it reminds me of another writer, but i cant think of it right now

[runnerkgirl]

She had on a violet dress and shawl that matched the color of the lily’s in her long, brown, wavy hair that reached almost all the way to her waist. But the thing that most surprised Alex was that she had a small silver band encircling her head, with a teardrop pearl hanging down from it onto her forehead.
“Oh,” she sang in a almost distant, yet, beautiful voice. As she saw Alex standing there with his jaw dropped down as far as it could go. “Please don’t tell my father I’m hear,” she begged her voice changing now to a normal recognizably human tone. “I can pay you what I did my other guards. Just please don’t tell him!”
Alex finally managed to swallow and get a grip and said, “Uh, no of course not. I won’t tell him. Um, who’s your father again?”
The maiden looked surprised, “Your not from Vrealdrix are you.”
“N-no.”
“Well then are you from the Kingdom of Penn? If you are you must leave quickly, don’t worry your secrets safe with me. I can tell that you are no threat.”
Alex felt taken aback by this comment but didn’t say anything further about it. “Who are you?”
“I am Princess Aleona of the Kingdom of Vrealdrix, Daughter of King Balthasar. Who are you, young traveler who dresses so strangely?”
Adam looked at himself and noticed that even to anyone in his own world he would look strange dressed in his short knickers and ugly powder blue shirt and green tie. He hated the uniforms at St. Bernadettes from the minute he saw them.
“I, uh…I’m Alex Green of the United States of America. My father is, uh, Frank Green, King of Slumberland.”
Aleona looked at him bemused. “The United States…” she said testing the name out. “Is that across the Great Waters of Minony?”
Just as Alex was about to answer he herd someone calling.
“Aleonaaaaaaa! Aleonaaaaa! Ale- oh!” Said a man dressed in what looked like old fashioned hunting clothes to Alex. “Ah, you’re here!”
At first Alex though the man was talking to Aleona but then when he looked back at the man he saw he was staring at him as he said this.
“You know him, Gwilym?” Aleona said walking towards him.
“I don’t know him of course, but I sent for him. Well, at least, I sent the transporter to his world to find the one. I guess this is him.”
Aleona looked down at Alex and frowned. “Are you sure? He doesn’t look like a warrior to me.

[runnerkgirl]

sorry i wrote this reply so late to your comments Isis. I just have one thing to say. I really like you suggestions. The one thing i think you said though with him landing there was too convinient. It's supposed to be convenient because the orb is supposed to be there and it pulled him right to it.
Thanks for your suggestions.

[runnerkgirl]

hey everyone. I have a chance of a life time. well actually a very slight chance of a life time to get this novel published! my dad just got one of his books published and now he says he's going to help me get this novel ready and then talk to his publisher. Since i just finished my 1st two chapters and you need 2 sample chapters to send into the publisher i need all the feedback i can get. so please help!
Thank you very much

Kayla

[Oblivion]

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love it so far, i dont really have any corrections, but im sure that some one else will, once again CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ameerah8]

Bravo, Bravo! you might want to check the spelling, but otherwise the story is Magnifico (lol I know i spelled it wrong, ironic huh.)