Reble in Vraeldrix
haha i know that name is a mouthfull but its supposed to be elvish
ok this is my first time here but i've been working on this story for a while and i want lots of feedback please! Reble in Vraeldrix Warning!! This book contains fantasy, adventure, rebles, teachers, love, betrayle, kings, independant princesses, and technologically advanced elves. Chapter 1 Alex Green never thought he would stay in one place too long. His father was always on the move to find new work. His mother was an artist so she agreed with his father because artists can work anywhere. Alex hated leaving in the middle of the school year just when he had started to get use to every thing, and then he had to pack up and go. Leaving all of his new-found friends behind to lead normal lives. Actually he never even had any friends. So this wasn’t too much of a problem. He always kept his hopes up though, and thought that maybe in the next town there would be someone like him, lets just say Alex wasn’t your normal perfect teenager. All his life he had been a rebel, not in a rowdy way, he had just never been the easiest person to agree with. He was very smart and sometimes though he knew everything. Thats probably where it all started. Back in kindergarten Alex had thought his job was to comment on the teacher, Mrs. Beende’s every move. She got very tired of it, very quickly. If she said something wrong, Alex would always correct her, and didn’t even bother to raise his hand. “Alex do you know what constructive criticism is?” She asked him one day. “Is that the stuff we use to cut out our shapes with?” said Alex. Of course he was referring to construction paper, but you can’t blame a kid for trying. “No dear, constructive criticism is when I give you a tip or advice on something that you should work on to be a better person,” said Mrs. Beende, “I’m worried because you don’t seem to take my criticism very well and it makes me sad.” She said making a fake frown. She knew Alex was smart enough to know what she ment. She liked to leave him guessing so he couldn’t say anything about her questioning or speeches if they were left for him to ponder. Alex was left silent for a little while staring up at her and then whispered, “You have a coffee stain on your shirt.” And it never got any better than that. Now Alex was in the 9th grade, and he was at his 11th school. This one was near Washington D.C. It was a private school and quite expensive, Alex had no idea how his parents were paying for it. All of the kids there were a bunch of “snoots” as Alex put it. This school was ancient and it seemed like there was a whole other wing that was just sitting there rotting. Alex thought it might be cool to explore it, but this guy Mark told him that any kid that did go even 20 feet near the building got suspended from school. Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like too peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a reble who never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had one think in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school with no friends. Alex’s normal day would have gone something like this: get up after hitting the snooze button about 20 times. Drag self to the shower and then pull on what ever clothes are not in the dirty clothes hamper, or at least that’s where they were aimed for they just kind of missed and ended up on the floor. Go down to breakfast and shovel in as many Cocoa Krispies and orange juice as possible before running after the school bus. Then Alex spent the whole school day going from boring class to boring class. Geometry, Chemistry, Biology, American History III, English. Alex was smart he just didn’t find this school very motivating and spent his study hall times copying off Marks notes. Which actually took him a week just to copy down one class period of notes that Mark took. Then after school he would go home and sit staring at his homework. Yep, same old same old every day. One morning though Alex woke up feeling very strange like there was a power pulling on him to get up and get ready for school as fast and he could. Alex showered and went down stairs. “Your up early honey,” Said Alex’s mother said as she sat at her easel with paint of all colors in her hair. Alex had never seen her mother at work like this before because he had never bothered to get up this early. “I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.” His mother laughed “Oh dear, your so smart that now your brain decided to get up for you.” She hugged Alex and he tried to pull away. “MooOOoom,” He started to say but the will inside him pulled him away. Alex grabbed his backpack and ran out the door. He heard his mother saying that it was way too early to go to school but Alex couldn’t stop running. He got all the way to school and slumped down by a tree. He had never run to school before and he wasvery tired now. He rested his eyes for a few minutes and then got up and looked around thinking it was time to go in but it seemed as if he had all the time in the world like all the clocks had stopped their ticking. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized what tree he was at. It was the old oak that was the closest to the rotting part of the building. Many of the kids in school would climb on this tree as a dare. Most of them got caught. They were given detention and a call to the parents. Alex jumped up. He suddenly had a prickly feeling on the back of his neck when he looked at the building. He inched closer to the stone and then ever so carefully reached out a hand to touch the brick, nothing happened, no alarms sounded, no teachers came out blowing whistles, no cops came to arrest him. So he leaned against the building and smiled as his great accomplishment. As soon as he leaned though he was lurched forward and he found himself falling through what felt like a series of windows. He landed on the ground with a thud and looked up. He was inside the old building. The forbidden building. The obviously very rotten building. And the extremely bad smelling building. He examined himself and saw that he only had a few minor cuts on his arms and legs and a bruise on his head from when he hit it against one of the bricks that fell down after him. There was a faint light coming from where he had fell. He guessed he must have fallen through the first floor and was now in the basement. He looked around and saw that he was in what must have been the boiler room. The walls were covered in soot and there were coals all over the floor. This room must be ancient, Alex thought to himself looking at the heater in front of him. It was old and made of a sort of crusty metal. Alex guessed it must have been from all the use it had seen in the years past. This must be what they used to heat the whole school, Alex thought. He looked at the designs admiringly but then noticed something very strange. Inside this heater there was a faint glow. No one could have used this recently, thought Alex. He inched toward the light and then slowly opened the little latched door. In side he found not coals that were burning but a little round bronze ball. Alex picked it up and examined it. Though it looked to be burning hot it didn’t even so much as warm his flesh. He examined the ball more closely and found that there was a small inscription going around the circumference of the object. I didn’t look like any writing he had ever seen and tried to make out what it ment. As he rotated it in his hands he noticed that the ball was sort of split into two halves and that you could twiste them. He thought to himself, maybe there is a certain combination of twists that will make the ball open. He tried different moves, and then finally herd a click. He carefully opened the two sides of the ball and and stepped back. Suddenly burst of light came out. He shielded his eyes and walked closer. He felt a lurch in his stomach and he was pulled toward the ball. Not a second later and it felt like he became a liquid and was being hurtled into an alternate universe through time and space. Which actually would have been correct. Alex closed his eyes, or at least that’s what he told his brain to do but he didn’t really feel where his eyes or mouth or even his body was anymore. He was there but it felt like nothingness. There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before. |
if anyone wants to hear more please tell me!
I will talke any suggestions or comments or criticism.
hope u like! |
cool story. I like how you leave the reader on the end of the seat in the end. "There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before.". I personally would like to read more. You have a few spelling errors, but then again who dosen't.
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thank you for responding i will work on posting more tomorrow
Kayla _________ I love green!!!:bigsmile: |
First off edit!!! Reble is spelled "rebel"
2.The storyline is interesting and keeps the reader interested throughout. 3. I don't like the line ". Which actually took him a week just to copy down one class period of notes that Mark took." I mean is that needed? I doesn't make sense. 4. I don't really understand how he got into the school? Is this the technological elves? 5. Is this moving around a lot important to the story? Can it be taken out and not change the meaning? I hope some of this helps. |
ok here's the revised version!
Chapter 1
All his life Alex Green had been a rebel, not in a rowdy way, he had just never been the easiest person to agree with. He was smart and sometimes though he knew everything. Thats probably where it all started. Back in kindergarten Alex had thought his job was to comment on the teacher, Mrs. Beende’s every move. She got very tired of it, very quickly. If she said something wrong, Alex would always correct her, and didn’t even bother to raise his hand. “Alex do you know what constructive criticism is?” She asked him one day. “Is that the stuff we use to cut out our shapes with?” said Alex. Of course he was referring to construction paper, but you can’t blame a kid for trying. “No dear, constructive criticism is when I give you a tip or advice on something that you should work on to be a better person,” said Mrs. Beende, “I’m worried because you don’t seem to take my criticism very well and it makes me sad.” She said making a fake frown. She knew Alex was smart enough to know what she ment. She liked to leave him guessing so he couldn’t say anything about her questioning or speeches if they were left for him to ponder. Alex was left silent for a little while staring up at her and then whispered, “You have a coffee stain on your shirt.” And it never got any better than that. Now Alex was in the 9th grade, and was at St. Bernadette's Academyl. A private school near Washington D.C. It was quite expensive, and Alex had no idea how his parents were paying for it. All of the kids there were a bunch of “snoots” as Alex put it. The school was ancient and it seemed like there was a whole other wing that was just sitting there rotting. Alex thought it might be cool to explore it, but this guy Mark told him that any kid that did go even 20 feet near the building was suspended from school. Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like two peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a rebel who would never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had two thing in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school and they had no friends. Alex’s normal day would have gone something like this: get up after hitting the snooze button about 20 times. Drag self to the shower and then pull on what ever clothes are not in the dirty clothes hamper, or at least that’s where they were aimed for they just kind of missed and ended up on the floor. Go down to breakfast and shovel in as many Cocoa Krispies and orange juice as possible before running after the school bus. Then Alex spent the whole school day going from boring class to boring class. Geometry, Chemistry, Biology, American History III, English. Alex was smart, he just didn’t find school very motivating. He spent most of his study hall times copying Marks notes. Then after school he would go home and sit staring at his homework. Yep, same old, same old every day. One morning though, Alex woke up early feeling very strange like there was a power pulling on him to get up and get ready for school as fast and he could. Alex showered and went down stairs. “Your up early honey,” Alex’s mother said as she sat at her easel with paint of all colors in her hair. Alex had never seen her mother at work like this before because he had never bothered to get up this early. She was an artist, but not a very popular one, and she rarely ever sold a painting. It didn't matter to Alex though, he still admired her. “I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.” His mother laughed “Oh dear, your so smart that now your brain decided to get up for you.” She hugged Alex and he tried to pull away. “MooOOoom,” He started to say but the will inside him pulled him away. Alex grabbed his backpack and ran out the door. He heard his mother saying that it was way too early to go to school but Alex couldn’t stop running. He got all the way to school and slumped down by a tree. He had never run to school before and he wasvery tired now. He rested his eyes for a few minutes and then got up and looked around thinking it was time to go in but it seemed as if he had all the time in the world like all the clocks had stopped their ticking. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized what tree he was at. It was the old oak that was the closest to the rotting part of the building. Many of the kids in school would climb on this tree as a dare. Most of them got caught. They were given detention and a call to the parents. Alex jumped up. He suddenly had a prickly feeling on the back of his neck when he looked at the building. He inched closer to the stone and then ever so carefully reached out a hand to touch the brick, nothing happened, no alarms sounded, no teachers came out blowing whistles, no cops came to arrest him. So he leaned against the building and smiled as his great accomplishment. As soon as he leaned though he remembered this building was rotting and was suddenly lurched backwards and he found himself falling through what felt like a series of windows. He landed on the ground with a thud and looked up. He was inside the old building. The forbidden building. The obviously very rotten building. And the extremely bad smelling building. He examined himself and saw that he only had a few minor cuts on his arms and legs and a bruise on his head from when he hit it against one of the bricks that fell down after him. There was a faint light coming from where he had fell. He guessed he must have fallen through the first floor and was now in the basement. He looked around and saw that he was in what must have been the boiler room. The walls were covered in soot and there were coals all over the floor. This room must be ancient, Alex thought to himself looking at the heater in front of him. It was old and made of a sort of crusty metal. Alex guessed it must have been from all the use it had seen in the years past. This must be what they used to heat the whole school, Alex thought. He looked at the designs admiringly but then noticed something very strange. Inside this heater there was a faint glow. No one could have used this recently, thought Alex. He inched toward the light and then slowly opened the little latched door. In side he found not coals that were burning but a little round bronze ball. Alex picked it up and examined it. Though it looked to be burning hot it didn’t even so much as warm his flesh. He examined the ball more closely and found that there was a small inscription going around the circumference of the object. I didn’t look like any writing he had ever seen and tried to make out what it ment. As he rotated it in his hands he noticed that the ball was sort of split into two halves and that you could twiste them. He thought to himself, maybe there is a certain combination of twists that will make the ball open. He tried different moves, and then finally herd a click. He carefully opened the two sides of the ball and and stepped back. Suddenly burst of light came out. He shielded his eyes and walked closer. He felt a lurch in his stomach and he was pulled toward the ball. Not a second later and it felt like he became a liquid and was being hurtled into an alternate universe through time and space. Which actually would have been correct. Alex closed his eyes, or at least that’s what he told his brain to do but he didn’t really feel where his eyes or mouth or even his body was anymore. He was there but it felt like nothingness. There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before. |
a little bit more
hey tell me what you think of this. (its not all of ch. 2)
Chapter 2 “Oomph,” Alex grunted as he tried to get up. All around him he saw mountains. Extravagant, beautiful, purple mountains in all directions, but they weren’t just ordinary mountains, these mountains were almost strait vertical climbs all the way to the top. They look almost like pencils with their sharp peaks leaping into the sky. Then he looked down and noticed that he seemed to be standing on a mountain himself. Or at least it was like a large hill. He bent down and examined the rock underneath his feet. It looked to him like a purple quartz, but wait, why would there be a bunch of quartz on top of a large hill? As he started to look back down he felt his foot slip on one of the purple rocks and he found himself once again falling. Actually he was more tumbling in circles than anything. After a couple of minutes he landed on a soft bed of green leaves. At least this time it was a soft landing, Alex thought. He got up once again and brushed himself off. Looking back up at the hill where he had once just stood he noticed that this hill too was also like a large pencil, only a very short, unsharpened one. As he turned he saw that he was now at the edge of a large forest which looked to him like all of the trees were in knots, and the roots were shooting up from the ground and strangling the nearest bushes. “This is beginning to get really weird,” Alex said to himself as he stared dumbfoundedly at what he now saw in front of him. There was a man. Or was it a woman? He couldn’t tell from this distance but he knew that he or she wasn’t fully human. As if the creature sensed that Alex was looking at him or her it turned and stared at him. Then quicker than any reflexes Alex had ever seen, the creature whipped out a long bow and arrow and pointed it directly at him. “Wait!” Alex cried putting his hand out. The creature stopped and started to come forward. It had the most graceful walk Alex had ever seen. It was almost like a dance and he found him self staring entranced at the creature. “Are you a friend or an enemy to the Kingdom of Vrealdrix?” The creature spoke. “I..uhh..uhh” Alex said breaking out of his trance. “I said,” it was definitely a he Alex thought as he spoke, “Are you a friend or an enemy?” He now pointed his bow towards Alex’s throat. “I’m Alex,” he said trembling. “and I…I uh don’t know any thing about a Kingdom. Where I come from we only have the president who…” The creature stopped him now looking very angry. “You lie! You like within the kingdom of the great king Ahvadali!” “No, no I just…” “You must pay the price and have your fingers cut off.” Alex at this point realized that he wasn’t going to change this guys mind. So he went to plan B. Which actually would be plan A since he never really had a plan in the first time. He ran. He ran long and far. Ducking through the trees and leaping over the bushes and other entangled assortments on the forest floor below him. Finally he came to the edge of a small clearing in the forest and knelt down to catch his breathe. He saw a rock in the middle of the clearing and started to move towards it thinking it would be a good place to rest when suddenly he heard a sound come from the other side of the rock. Alex jumped back as the most beautiful maiden stepped towards him. |
First off, your second draft is much better.
Ch. 2 gets the reader excited about this new land. Good job. |
wow, thank you that makes me very happy!
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I liked the original better; although I must admit some parts in your revised addition are way better than the original. I really don't like the part that you really changed (no offence) the part where he's leaning on the wall and he 'suddenly' remembers the wall is rotten.Come on,how lame is that (no offence)! I mean If the elves got him in by magic it'd be WAY cooler and much more intersting (in my opinion). how do you just not remember that a wall was rotten And how did he not see that the wall was rotten? But i have to give you some credit, on the part where he's reading the ball. The revisied addition was much better. This is for chapter 1 BTW
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