All Our Yesterdays [crit needed]

[Isis]

I'd love opinions on this, since I'm trying something new.


All Our Yesterdays

when you sit alone and thoughts trinkle
in circles, ripples
like the fish filter in an empty house, then you know
it's time for remembering.

Hot steam rising off the pavement, and the trees:
fronds, filling with steam, and it's all another world
Prehistoric suburban savagary under
streetlights that aren't yet there and reflect
all we're going to forget

In black and white and shades of grey
the sky still tastes like limes
if the clouds
- pulled thin, stretched across the dawn -
are right, or at least build
themselves to form the dreams we think we see

Though we're all lost in the thistles and cotton
wisps, you whisper "we'll drive you home"
but thoughts and wishes were never maps
good enough to stand the test of time

[Vennila X Vana]

Hmm...it seems like it's trying to hard to be philosophical and make the reader question their lives. But that's only in the first parts [do I call it a stanza, a verse?]

It does have really nice imagery though, but I don't think the images are really conveying what you want us to see. I really like the poem a lot without the first part. Maybe you should try it?

[Isis]

Damn. >_< It's really about being by yourself and getting a quick look at things you'd thought you'd forgotten a while ago. The beginning does sound a little forced...if that was removed, would you think differently of this?

[Vennila X Vana]

yeah, I read it again without the beginning before I wrote my critique, and I really liked it a lot. Although I still don't think it conveys a message of individualism, it seems more like a Fallout Boy song, hehe. But I do like it.

[Hawley Smoot]

Isis

This is a very good poem that could be a great one. The concept of sitting alone with your thoughts watching the world almost meditatively (the sort of mood I got from this poem) is one that’s far more powerful than many people are aware. Memories combining with the present and the onrush of the world around you often make (in my experience) for a sort of natural high and result in insights into life that later turn out to be kinda dumb….. but that’s not the point! This is clearly a poem about imagery, the kind of imagery that you don’t see in front of your eyes, but rather the kind in memories. I LOVE the part about prehistoric suburban savagery. I’d love to see that become the dominant theme of the poem; the sights, the sounds, the emotion of it as a comparison to or a way to get perspective on life and your past and future.

I’m mixed on the fish tank symbolism. It’s original and obviously has significance for you, which is fine, and it sets a nice mood – I imagine dim lighting in a well-furnished living room at night – but I don’t quite feel the connection between thoughts rippling and the filter. Maybe draw more attention to the behavior of the water IN the tank? The imagery in this poem only utilizes sight, when it could utilize sound, touch and smell.

DEFINITELY DO NOT leave out the first part. Sorry, Vennilla x Vana, but it sets the mood, draws us into the narrator’s mind, sets up the ideas of meditative memories, and leads to the fantastic line “It’s time for remembering.” (This line only works as the transition from the real world to the world of the mind. It serves the purpose, and there should definitely be an equivalent line there, but maybe something a bit more subtle.)
Anyway, great potential here.

[JEM]

Great poem Isis,

This poem is all imagry. That's great. For some reason this poem reminds me of the Bob Dylan song, My Back Pages...all thought provoking imagry. The best images came when you talk about the clouds and the "dreams we think we see."

There is a big difference between this and your short stories. lol

[Vennila X Vana]

My problem with the first few lines is they are too frank and that just isn't mixing with the rest of the poems use of metaphor and subtle imagery. I think they sound childish like when you would write the backdrop of a poem before actually getting into it. It's insulting to the reader almost like they're too dumb to figure it out.

But I don't know. You and I are very different.

[Isis]

I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do with the first stanza, but thanks for all the thought and comments. I appreciate the help. If it was more of a subtle lead in, I think it would work...be more part of the poem and less of a backdrop.

Now I just need to figure out how to do that. Again, thanks for the help and praise.

[Hawley Smoot]

I do see your point about the first stanza being less subtle than the rest, Vennila. I like it because it feels like it opens in the conscious, real world, creates an atmosphere, and draws us into the narrator's mind, but perhaps a more subtle, imagery-driven opening would accomplish this better.
I'd also like to see a dominant theme emerge in this poem, other then just memories. Maybe work in the title (great title by the way!). "All Our Yesterdays" ... could have something to do with shared memories, collective knowledge, the human experience, et cetera?

[maressa]

great poem. it has a modern feel to it, with great imagery. you make us see your thoughts, and that's always a good thing.