I'm Gone

BeatOn_WriteOn · 10-29-2006, 11:20 PM

I’m gone, I don’t belong
Stuck in the middle of a life of lies
and lost friendships.
Memories I lack
Of true bonds of true friends
Leaving me alone
To feel forgotten.
What did I do?
Was it something I said?
How can something that seemed so right
Turn out so wrong
I thought life was perfect.
A utopia of truth
But in reality
I am the liar.
They all became more distant
From me each day
But I thought we were still friends,
At least, that’s what they’d say.
And we’d laugh together
But why didn’t they invite me?
Instead here I lie
All alone
But not forgotten,
Just not wanted.
I’m just that girl on the outsides of the pictures to them
Easily cropped out at their whim.
The world’s nectar is covered
By the thin disguised layer of taste so sweet
But underneath lies the cold a bitter ways
Of friends
Who aren’t true friends
Anymore.

girlonfire · 10-30-2006, 01:49 PM

when first joined teen lit i chucked on everything i had wich was loads and most of it was pretty crap, so its amazing that youve managed to put so many on and for them all to be incredibly good. i like this one, reminds me too much of my self. i love uer work.

BeatOn_WriteOn · 10-30-2006, 11:10 PM

Well I love the poem that you just posted! I bet they weren't crap... aw, thanks so much! It really means a lot. I wrote this one when all of the people I thought were my friends started to kind of leave me out of everything. I just write whatever is in my mind, but try not to focus on adding similies and metaphors because I think it will ruin the poem if you start out like that. After I finish the first draft I go back and make it more descriptive. We're all a lot more alike with everyone else than we all think.

(haha, i love these smilies. I'm new to this place, so it's pretty fun figuring it all out!)

Isis · 10-31-2006, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeatOn_WriteOn

but try not to focus on adding similies and metaphors because I think it will ruin the poem if you start out like that.

NO WAY JOSE.
Similies and metaphors are what make a poem interesting, and make a poem poetic. If you're just spilling your thoughts onto paper...maybe it's emotionally accurate for you, but it doesn't convey much to the reader. If you want some advice (even if you don't, I don't care! I'm in CRITIQUE mode now), start with a mix of just whatever is on your mind and then the images and metaphors that you think can convey that. Try to link the two together as you're writing, instead of trying to graft on some images wherever at the end. You need to integrate them to make them work. Then you can go back, try and make sure the poem conveys what you want it to convey -- what's on your mind -- in a manner that's interesting - with images.

BeatOn_WriteOn · 10-31-2006, 06:37 PM

No, you misunderstood me. I wouldn't be able to live without similies and metaphors! What I was saying was that I just pour out what's on my mind right at first. Just all of my thoughts, everything going through my head. And then, after I'm all done, I go back and think deeper about the idea or expression I wrote down and link it with a more powerful meaning. Basically I analyze my mind. And that's where all the figurative stuff comes in. But I love using similies and metaphors! It's what makes everything more interesting and deep.

10-29-2006, 11:20 PM	#1
BeatOn_WriteOn TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 17	I'm Gone I’m gone, I don’t belong Stuck in the middle of a life of lies and lost friendships. Memories I lack Of true bonds of true friends Leaving me alone To feel forgotten. What did I do? Was it something I said? How can something that seemed so right Turn out so wrong I thought life was perfect. A utopia of truth But in reality I am the liar. They all became more distant From me each day But I thought we were still friends, At least, that’s what they’d say. And we’d laugh together But why didn’t they invite me? Instead here I lie All alone But not forgotten, Just not wanted. I’m just that girl on the outsides of the pictures to them Easily cropped out at their whim. The world’s nectar is covered By the thin disguised layer of taste so sweet But underneath lies the cold a bitter ways Of friends Who aren’t true friends Anymore.

10-30-2006, 01:49 PM	#2
girlonfire Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 207	woah when first joined teen lit i chucked on everything i had wich was loads and most of it was pretty crap, so its amazing that youve managed to put so many on and for them all to be incredibly good. i like this one, reminds me too much of my self. i love uer work. __________________ "I wrote how the first science was made by magic..." -Lydia.M

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10-30-2006, 11:10 PM	#3
BeatOn_WriteOn TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 17	Well I love the poem that you just posted! I bet they weren't crap... aw, thanks so much! It really means a lot. I wrote this one when all of the people I thought were my friends started to kind of leave me out of everything. I just write whatever is in my mind, but try not to focus on adding similies and metaphors because I think it will ruin the poem if you start out like that. After I finish the first draft I go back and make it more descriptive. We're all a lot more alike with everyone else than we all think. (haha, i love these smilies. I'm new to this place, so it's pretty fun figuring it all out!)

10-31-2006, 06:37 PM	#5
BeatOn_WriteOn TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 17	No, you misunderstood me. I wouldn't be able to live without similies and metaphors! What I was saying was that I just pour out what's on my mind right at first. Just all of my thoughts, everything going through my head. And then, after I'm all done, I go back and think deeper about the idea or expression I wrote down and link it with a more powerful meaning. Basically I analyze my mind. And that's where all the figurative stuff comes in. But I love using similies and metaphors! It's what makes everything more interesting and deep.