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03-15-2005, 12:21 PM | #1 |
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Advice and suggestions needed
Well I have been writing poetry for the last 3 days, why? Because I have to. We were told to write about ourselves in a poetry form. Any aspect on ourselves so I decided to be different and a bit confusing I guess. In this poem I wrote about a girl, which is me but then in some places I wrote I as in first person. Well the she and I are the same people (me ) Originally it was longer than this..anyway I was wondering if someone could take the time to read it and give me some advice.
Overlapping voices, entwined fingers and overflowing dreams For now, For this moment, She takes one step at a time And I just watch over Her overlapping wishes , Entwined voices , And even her overflowing dreams ... Every time she felt lost, She’d gaze up into the skies. The snows That fell from the skies Yesterday would've made drifts, That reached her memories by now. Nothing can be seen In the memories That she’d gathered together. I'll just float these words That I'm holding close on this wind. If it will continue, To sound out to the ends Of the earth and not disappear, At least for today, she’ll remain wistful. Ah, she doesn’t even have the courage To endure further pain. She’s always Wanted to tell You, faster Than the speed of light. The words shone; now, they spread their wings. Even if I pursue her And act stubborn, Nothing will come of it Only the feelings I cherish Will melt this winter. For now, For this moment, just let me watch over my overlapping voices, Entwined fingers, and even my overflowing dreams... Even if it's a frigid world, A nearly blinding flash of light Would be sure To shine upon her As she is right now. But she met him, The one who would spend Endless hours Talking to her About everything and nothing. And lifted her inside By showing her himself Undisguised. He understood everything Through all the pain He comforted her And gently kiss her fears away She can turn to him and cry Always understand that I Gave him all I am. Inside. Since her translucent Heart now envelops him, I am becoming vibrant and full of colour She. Is. Reborn.
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And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart |
03-15-2005, 12:24 PM | #2 |
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posted in a wrong place
Actually I've realized that the post before shouldn't be here It's suppose to be in drafts for feedback. Silly me
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And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart |
03-15-2005, 11:26 PM | #3 | |
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Quote:
Welcome to the forum! I've moved the post for you My poetry skills are limited, so hopefully someone else will chime in and offer some feedback. Again, welcome, and I hope you stick around!
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03-16-2005, 04:28 PM | #4 |
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thanks
thanks, I do apologize for posting in the wrong place
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And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart |
03-26-2005, 06:24 AM | #5 |
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Well, i think it was...great. lol. me thinks its a wonderful poem, but i am poetically challenged as i cant write and i must read it a few time to fully grasp somethin. ^_^; but i like it, its got good consepts to it. Keep goin ash!!
[dont mind my bad english and grammar, im a little tired at the mo.] |
03-26-2005, 07:04 AM | #6 |
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thanks
Thanks honey, I suppose it is a little confusing
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And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart |
04-01-2005, 03:44 AM | #7 |
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Very pretty!
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04-27-2005, 06:13 PM | #8 |
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Well done. I'm impressed, and you'd be surprised at how hard it is to do that.
It's very interesting that you've done a kind of double personality about it. A witness to your own experience. Will we be seeing more? maybe not of the same poem, but other works? |
05-10-2005, 06:32 PM | #9 |
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Great poem:-)
Ash,
Your poem is awsome! __________________
"On cable TV they have a weather channel -- 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window." |
05-11-2005, 02:36 PM | #10 |
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Its not hard to write a poem zachara!:-)
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"On cable TV they have a weather channel -- 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window." |
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