Advice and suggestions needed

[Älskade_Ängel]

Well I have been writing poetry for the last 3 days, why? Because I have to. We were told to write about ourselves in a poetry form. Any aspect on ourselves so I decided to be different and a bit confusing I guess. In this poem I wrote about a girl, which is me but then in some places I wrote I as in first person. Well the she and I are the same people (me ) Originally it was longer than this..anyway I was wondering if someone could take the time to read it and give me some advice.

Overlapping voices, entwined fingers and overflowing dreams

For now,
For this moment,
She takes one step at a time
And I just watch over
Her overlapping wishes ,
Entwined voices ,
And even her overflowing dreams ...

Every time she felt lost,
She’d gaze up into the skies.
The snows
That fell from the skies
Yesterday would've made drifts,
That reached her memories by now.
Nothing can be seen
In the memories
That she’d gathered together.
I'll just float these words
That I'm holding close on this wind.

If it will continue,
To sound out to the ends
Of the earth and not disappear,
At least for today, she’ll remain wistful.
Ah, she doesn’t even have the courage
To endure further pain.

She’s always
Wanted to tell
You, faster
Than the speed of light.
The words shone;
now, they spread their wings.

Even if I pursue her
And act stubborn,
Nothing will come of it
Only the feelings I cherish
Will melt this winter.
For now,
For this moment,
just let me watch over
my overlapping voices,
Entwined fingers,
and even my overflowing dreams...

Even if it's a frigid world,
A nearly blinding flash of light
Would be sure
To shine upon her
As she is right now.

But she met him,
The one who would spend
Endless hours
Talking to her
About everything and nothing.
And lifted her inside
By showing her himself
Undisguised.

He understood everything
Through all the pain
He comforted her
And gently kiss her fears away
She can turn to him and cry
Always understand that I
Gave him all I am.
Inside.

Since her translucent
Heart now envelops him,
I am becoming vibrant and full of colour
She.
Is.
Reborn.

[Älskade_Ängel]

Actually I've realized that the post before shouldn't be here It's suppose to be in drafts for feedback. Silly me

[Matt]

Originally Posted by Älskade_Ängel

Actually I've realized that the post before shouldn't be here It's suppose to be in drafts for feedback. Silly me

Welcome to the forum! I've moved the post for you

My poetry skills are limited, so hopefully someone else will chime in and offer some feedback.

Again, welcome, and I hope you stick around!

[Älskade_Ängel]

thanks, I do apologize for posting in the wrong place

[Gerards_Luvr]

Well, i think it was...great. lol. me thinks its a wonderful poem, but i am poetically challenged as i cant write and i must read it a few time to fully grasp somethin. ^_^; but i like it, its got good consepts to it. Keep goin ash!!

[dont mind my bad english and grammar, im a little tired at the mo.]

[Älskade_Ängel]

Thanks honey, I suppose it is a little confusing

[Misana]

Very pretty!

[Zachara]

Well done. I'm impressed, and you'd be surprised at how hard it is to do that.
It's very interesting that you've done a kind of double personality about it. A witness to your own experience.

Will we be seeing more? maybe not of the same poem, but other works?

[Jake251]

Ash,
Your poem is awsome!

[Jake251]

Its not hard to write a poem zachara!:-)