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Old 06-10-2006, 10:23 PM
~*Lil_Bookworm*~'s Avatar
~*Lil_Bookworm*~ ~*Lil_Bookworm*~ is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5
Cool~a walk in my shoes~

i did this poem for an assignment in school and got an A (and it was best in my class). But compared to most yalls poems its probubly a C (lol). I dont know you tell me. Tell me anything wrong that you see ...or how i can improve it. And OFCOURSE what you think of it.

Why why, oh why in life,
Are there always those who bring you strife
Always those filled with power and greed,
and when you wish it to stop they donít take heed
Each and every single day,
theyíll tease you in a different way
Theyíll bring you all your worst fears,
then later onÖhere comes the tears
Why, why, why, oh why,
Are there always those who make you cry?
It seems that off your pain they feed,
From day to day thatís all they need
A bruise or two over time will heal,
But a hit to the heart is way more real
So all those who treat people this way,
I hope you heard what I had to say
To all those who live life like me,
You know itís hard to be happy and glee
Donít put up with being treated that way,
Live your life day to day ignoring the crude things they say
But my life isnít all that bad you see,
I have a family that supports and cares deeply for me
So come and take a walk in my shoes,
Iíll show you whose life is better then whose!
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Old 06-11-2006, 07:05 AM
girlonfire's Avatar
girlonfire girlonfire is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 223

hey dont b so hard on ure self, its good honest, i like it, the only thing i'd say is that the 'why, why, why thing doesnt work 4 me, it takes me off track, when i jus wanna read the rest. Maybe,

'Bruises are something time can heal,'

rather that what you wrote, you were concentrating on keeping the beat, not the actual wording, i think if you changed that line or re worded it it would make more sense, i like the message, its nicely put.

(you dont have to listen to me, ANYONE on this site will tell you i'm the worst for crits...)

anyways keep cool
No. I don't want to.
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Old 06-11-2006, 11:08 PM
Vennila X Vana's Avatar
Vennila X Vana Vennila X Vana is offline
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I agree. It seems like you are trying too hard to keep up a beat and not really sticking to giving this poem meaning.

This poem makes me angry, all the constant questioning...I just want to answer "because that's life kid, get used to it!"

Live a little and then try again.

Uh, nice poetic form at least? You seem to have spelled everything right.

By the way, not a good way to introduce a poem. Don't give it background, let it speak for itself.
I always found beauty in debris
Won't you ravage the rest of me please?
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Old 06-25-2006, 10:13 AM
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sumbluskies sumbluskies is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 128

aw, yeah, I really like this poem. It sends the powerful message not to let people and what they say destroy how you feel about yourself. Good job! It's a really nice poem!
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