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Old 04-25-2006, 10:31 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Default Drifting


Time passes swiftly
like darkness in night
Becoming hung ashore
night awakens to mourn.

Love within furnishes
what it won't let go
Rising emotion boils
Lover's past to surface

every tear a memory
each blink a closure
that flashes then drips away
to a story in a puddle.

Push off and
catch a wave,
drift away into a dream
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Old 04-26-2006, 02:40 PM   #2
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Posts: 67

This poem is okay in my eyes, I do like some of the things you have going here, but the order of which some of these things occur is too chaotic for my liking. Like, you're images started off with a stanza about night then you have the love stanza. I can see that the "water" in the sense is boiling, but you had not really introduced the puddle yet, it's out of order if you asked me.

Try to challenge words and symbols. I'll be honest with you when I tell you that every image you made has probably been done before, someway or some form, but very often. Tears at least I think is used too often. It's a very fundamental action.

The ending is kind of weak; it sounds like something I would find at the end of a Kelly Clarkson song. It's odd that you try to tell the reader something, even though most of the poem didn't even acknowledge them--I would get rid of it or change it entirely.

You have raised an eyebrow.
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Old 04-26-2006, 03:09 PM   #3
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Default oh shut up

shut up unwilling you ont know everything and can't u find a shorter way to put all that, get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huss, i like this poem, its simple and yet has a certain mystery bout it, k, dont stop writing....
I'm like an atom,
So small you can not see me,
Try and split me,
And i'm not so little anymore...
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Old 04-26-2006, 06:12 PM   #4
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Of course Huss shouldn't stop writing. But taking advice, especially when it's put politely, is a good thing. It might seem out-of-comfort if you're new, but hopefully it should be helpful. If you don't like comments that point to flaws, just say so and you won't get them. [I hope that doesn't become the case, though ^^;;]
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