Night Light...plz critique...

[girlonfire]

Hey...
What's up with this?
I can't see the moon tonight,
No beacon of light?
No hope?
No night light?
Oh...
No?
You sure?
You sure you haven't seen a slither of her?
No crust of her beauty?
Crap...
Apparently not,
I'll sit here,
And wait for her return,
The road ahead looks so dark without her,
And you always said look for the light in the darkness,
But there is no light tonight,
Nothing to grasp onto,
Nothing to follow,
No asprin to calm my pounding head,
No needle,
No thread,
to stich my broken heart,
No torch to show me the pot hole,
No railing to mark the cliff edge,
No,
No moon tonight,
Will she cry tomorrow?
When she finds my body?
Lying at the bottom of the lake?
No,
She has no tears,
I'll stay put,
No looking for the light in the darkness,
No looking,
Not in the dark,
No,

[Isis]

Ok, here we go.

Hey...
What's up with this?
I can't see the moon tonight,
No beacon of light?
No hope?
No night light? repetition of light
Oh...
No?
You sure? you can nix this, because the next line has "you sure?" and is good.
You sure you haven't seen a slither of her? This probably should be "sliver". BUT, I like "slither"; it's different. you just need to put that snaking motion to use later on.
No crust of her beauty?
Crap...
Apparently not, I don't like these two lines; they're unnecessary and take up space. I'm not liking the ellipses either.
I'll sit here,
And wait for her return,
The road ahead looks so dark without her,
And you always said look for the light in the darkness,
But there is no light tonight,
Nothing to grasp onto,
Nothing to follow,
No asprin to calm my pounding head,
No needle,
No thread,
to stich my broken heart, either connect this more to the rest of the poem, or get rid of it.
No torch to show me the pot hole, pothole = one word
No railing to mark the cliff edge,
No, I really don't like this string of "no". Mix it up, or just get rid of some of them.
No moon tonight,
Will she cry tomorrow?
When she finds my body?
Lying at the bottom of the lake? all these questions in all these different lines? No, I don't think so. One question, spread over three lines, with some commas in for separation.
No,
She has no tears, who, the moon?
I'll stay put,
No looking for the light in the darkness, this line is cliche
No looking,
Not in the dark,
No,[color=red] the repetition sounds like someone trying to re-assure themselves, when they really can't be reassured. If that's what you're going for...I like the idea behind it a lot, but the execution is a little sloppy. You can pick other, different words here, and arrange them differently along the lines if you wish. You don't have to make every line a phrase, ending with a comma. You can break sentences right over the edge of a line.

And: I did my worst. I've been really slacking in this forum lately, but a combination of new entries, a lot of elipses, and a lot of chatspeak kind of made me lose resolve. Crap. But I'm back in action! And I've got a lot of poems that need seeing to, it seems! *cracks knuckles*