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Old 02-22-2006, 09:51 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Default Chipped Mysteries

Any opinions guys??

Falling snow
Wisps and whizzes
Down those old stairs
Begging to be discovered

Old chipped paint
And emotions fizzed
In that aged lair
Of mysteries buried

Ancient lies
Worth more than gold
Floated around
Silently taunting the past

Fading pictures
And moves too bold
Create the sound
Of that quiet creaking

On that doorstep
Right above the
Old floorboards
Buried treasure, still remains.
Stella Zara
I stared death in the eye, said the note from yesterday
And as I sat and wondered,
The boy with the green eyes winked at me
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Old 02-23-2006, 05:50 PM   #2
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Posts: 15
Post Review

I'm guessing that this is a free verse - Although I liked your poem well enough overall, I somehow thought that it was missing... that special oomph? Your choice of words was basically good, in my opinion, but you could try using more unique words. For example, instead of using 'old' 3 times, try substituting it with another adjective.

Also - unless I'm wrong... then maybe try varying the sentence lengths. You seemed to fall into a pattern, which is fine if that was your intention.

Anyway, I hope I offered some semi-good advice. Good job though, I quite like it.

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Old 02-27-2006, 11:47 AM   #3
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Default ok

i agree about "old" if u could find some other words it would sound better. but i like the pattern. of course it could be b/c i'm ocd or something && i'm obssessed w/ patterns lol. but i like the idea && concept behind your poem. i like free verse used to wrtie it all the time....err but it wasn't that great lol! but i liked your poem overall it just needs a little....tweeking.

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