"eden"... I Need Advice!

daz3026 · 01-08-2006, 01:48 PM

In a far away world
In a far away land
Theres a haven to call home
To feel safe, and not alone.
There you will find sunrises, rose beutiful
Color is everywhere, everything is glissening, nothing is dull.
The skies are clear, young birds flying around
Everything and everyone is at peace and
All souls see the upside of things.
You seel old friends and loved relatives,
That you havent seen since they left.
Since their souls took away, away from this world.
Everyone is beutiful, as they always were,
It, them they him, he, you and her.

No war, no terrorist, no racism, no nuclear bombs.
No hot, no cold, no people starving to death.
No bad, no sad, no mad, all new not old.
The fiercest animals are calm,
You skin is flawless and pure
You shine like gold in the sunlight.
Aids and cancer? You dont need a cure
They don't excist here, they are gone.
But is this place called Eden really true?
Well only god knows.
But lets hope it is, so when our souls leave this wold and rise to the skies,
We can all have a place to call heave, a place to call home.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ADVICE ON THIS POEM? I'D REALLY LIKE TO MAKE IT BETTER!

Chicken Warrior · 01-08-2006, 02:03 PM

Okay,
I like the idea, but too many of the words seem kind of forced. Try looking in a thesaurus and/or rhyming dictionary and I'm sure you could eliminate a lot of akward words/phrases.

You might want to drag out the last line into two lines like so:

We can all have a place to call heaven.
We can all have a place to call home.

But I really love the last three lines as well as the last line of the first stanza.

You definetly need to work out some rhyming and phrasing flaws but your poem as good potential, and some really great lines.

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01-08-2006, 01:48 PM	#1
daz3026 TeenLit Regular Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 44	"eden"... I Need Advice! In a far away world In a far away land Theres a haven to call home To feel safe, and not alone. There you will find sunrises, rose beutiful Color is everywhere, everything is glissening, nothing is dull. The skies are clear, young birds flying around Everything and everyone is at peace and All souls see the upside of things. You seel old friends and loved relatives, That you havent seen since they left. Since their souls took away, away from this world. Everyone is beutiful, as they always were, It, them they him, he, you and her. No war, no terrorist, no racism, no nuclear bombs. No hot, no cold, no people starving to death. No bad, no sad, no mad, all new not old. The fiercest animals are calm, You skin is flawless and pure You shine like gold in the sunlight. Aids and cancer? You dont need a cure They don't excist here, they are gone. But is this place called Eden really true? Well only god knows. But lets hope it is, so when our souls leave this wold and rise to the skies, We can all have a place to call heave, a place to call home. DOES ANYONE HAVE ADVICE ON THIS POEM? I'D REALLY LIKE TO MAKE IT BETTER! __________________ •\|--Daz--\|•

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01-08-2006, 02:03 PM	#2
Chicken Warrior TeenLit Regular Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 40	Okay, I like the idea, but too many of the words seem kind of forced. Try looking in a thesaurus and/or rhyming dictionary and I'm sure you could eliminate a lot of akward words/phrases. You might want to drag out the last line into two lines like so: We can all have a place to call heaven. We can all have a place to call home. But I really love the last three lines as well as the last line of the first stanza. You definetly need to work out some rhyming and phrasing flaws but your poem as good potential, and some really great lines.