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|01-07-2006, 01:40 PM||#1|
Join Date: Jan 2006
"The Test" (Fantasy) Part 1
Ok, I have an assignment to do in my Gr. 9 english class. I am supposed to take two writing assignments from the past and make a third draft. this is why i need feedback and critique so badly. Unfortunately, threads in this forum will only take 10000 characters so in order to see the rest of my story, go to the thread called "'The Test' (Fantasy) Part 2".(put ur feedback in the part 2 thread)
here is my first story, "The Test" (Fantasy)
Note: this short story isnt the shortest
The crossbow bolt whizzed by Renin Tilstur and thunked into the door ahead.
“Steal a bloody gold ring from a lord and you get half the city guard chasing you! I sure wish I can get out of this one, I can get a fine price for this beauty”, Renin angrily muttered to himself fingering the golden ring on his finger.
The docks district just was not what it used to be in the city of Halden, of Kalder these days. A halfling, a being that looks like a human but half the size, like himself used to be able to nick a coin and buy yourself a drink, but ever since a shipment of clay pottery was raided by one of the dock district’s local gangs, the city guard’s numbers had been increased. It was weird for the king to be so protective of a ship full of clay pottery, which makes it obvious there was something of importance on the ship.
Renin skidded and turned a corner to come to a stop. The alley way ended. Renin cursed and turned around to wait for his death. That’s the way it was now. King Neron was always generous and kind, but ever since the clay pottery shipment raid, he had ordered the guards to kill anyone who committed a crime, no trial. Everyone now thought Neron was mad.
The guards rounded the brick corner of the alleyway and Renin. Grins came to their faces.
“So, how is the agile rogue going to get out of this one?” the guard who must have been the captain mockingly said. He raised his crossbow loaded and ready, held it up to his eye to fire, then pulled the trigger. In an instant a figure, that Renin did not notice before, jumped from the roof nearby and incredulously, snatched the arrow out of the air. Renin wondered why would someone save him, a mere thief in wrinkled clothes that looked like he slept in them for a week, about to go to his death? Ever since the king’s change of heart, this was an everyday situation and no one wanted to get mixed up with the king.
The guards stared in awe just as much as Renin did. This lithe figure is a monk of the Veleen order. The monks from the Veleen order were an enigma, not much was known about them but it is said they are able to do impossible things that reflexes would not allow. The arrow being plucked out of the air by this monk is proof enough that he is Veleenian.
As the monk grabbed the arrow he kept running as if he did not fall off a 20 foot roof and like lightning bounced off the wall ahead of him. He then rocketed through the group of guards striking out with his hands and feet, hitting them in throats and the head. The guards were not even able to draw their swords. They all limply fell to the ground as the monk calmly landed on the ground on the other side of the pile of guards.
Renin finally realized that the monk was standing there, seemingly waiting for him while he tried to run through his mind what had just happened.
“How did you do—how could—why did you get yourself mixed up with me?” stumbled Renin as he tried to ask three questions at once.
“You are needed, come with me”, the monk mysteriously said. Renin wondering why he was even following this lethal, mysterious man, started following him anyway.
The deadly monk and the cunning thief walked for about half an hour through the docks and came to the more meager part of the docks where the cutpurses were many and you could expect to weighed by every eye, for your money of course. The alleys always had a couple drunk men lying in them and every inn smelled of cheap ale and sweat from the sailors. You could always expect a fist-fight or two to happen at a stay in an inn around these parts of the docks district.
The Veleenian walked into one of the inns with Renin following him. Raucous laughter and the singing of drunken men immediately filled Renin’s ears. The monk led Renin to a table in the back.
“How did you come by that ring?” the monk said in a stony voice. Renin could now see his “savior” clearly in the light of the tavern. He was dark of skin and had a face made of jagged edges and scars. He was completely unarmed except for five metal discs with sharp, pointed edges. This man was obviously a man not to tamper with.
“I came by it” Renin said suspiciously. Some lords liked the robbers of their property to be punished in more extreme ways than the guards did and Renin was not going to take any chances. This monk could be an agent searching for the robber to bring back to his own lord for the lords own punishing.
The monk, right after Renin’s reply, pulled out a bag that jingled with the sound of coins. Renin immediately changed his plans. Maybe he could get a couple extra coins for his pocket while dealing with this monk.
“I nicked the beauty off some lord”, replied Renin, entranced by the bag of coins. “I think his name was Lord Caralin or Corlin.”
“Do you realize that that lord has connections to the gangs here?”
“Uh-huh and you’re point is?”
“Do you know who I work for?”
“I am one of the king’s agents”, the Veleenian said lowering his voice to ward off prying ears. “That ring you are holding is the king’s ring, it was the reason the clay pottery shipment raid happened”.
“Wait a minute, so why is this ring so important to the king?”
“It has vast powers. All you have to do is wear the ring and pronounce three wishes. The user must be careful what is wished for. There are rules however. The rings cannot be destroyed when there are still wishes to be wished, and you cannot make any wishes related to money, your own self and the destruction or creation of people.”
Renin immediately lost the plans he was forming over the power of this ring. He was sort of hoping he could make himself almighty and rich. He almost got up from the table to leave until the shrouds of great riches crept away and he realized he could still make a profit, the bag of glistening coins.
“So why does the king want it?” asked Renin, trying to make some sense out of the situation.
“He was going to make a wall around our city here, and some other things of the same type to help improve our defenses against the enemies neighbouring our country.”
That was good enough for Renin. After all there was a profit out of all this.
“All right you can have it”, said Renin said with the thoughts of what he would do with his gold. Renin took it out of his pocket and handed over to the monk. He turned his hand over but when he turned his hand over to drop the ring into the monks hand, the ring defied gravity and stayed in his palm. Renin stared in disbelief and a look of irritation came to the monk’s face.
The monk sighed and said, “Did you make a wish with it?”
“You must have, even the smallest one.”
“Well I did mutter to myself I wish I could get out of the jam I was in…”, remembered Renin as it came back to him. He had wished he could get out of situation he was in earlier while he was being chased by the guards.
“Well, I guess you will have to make the wishes for the king”, the monk said, “when you use one of your wishes the ring is binded to your soul until all three wishes are made and it will not leave the contact of your skin unless you are killed.”
Renin sighed in frustration. How was he going to get out of this? He didn’t want to get into any of the kings business and since this ring was bound to him there was a great chance there are other people out there that would want him killed. For one, there was the gang.
“Why does the gang want this thing?” asked Renin as the question came to mind.
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