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Old 12-06-2005, 11:45 PM   #1
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Unhappy My Tragic Poem

Read on, I'm sure you'll like it...


I've lost all I'm meant to care for
And all who I used to know
I wish I could go back more
I wish I could never grow
Because now I have nothing, what I had was all
I'm worth so much less, I'm heading for a fall
With no one to guide me and no one to say
"You'll be better off if you die another day"
I was always suicidal, always wishing for death
I wanted to overdose on crystal meth
I was stopped by a best friend that doesn't exist now
And right now I needed her to disallow
My use of alcohol, steroids, painkillers and drugs
I'm missing her so much and her heartwarming hugs
What more can I do but let the pain seep in
As I feel my teardrops fall down off my chin
Knowing it was my fault you died that day
Leaves me with little less than nothing to say
I ended your life on a day so nice
Being given the test score of 98 percent twice
You were heading for university and I was heading nowhere
Now all I see is a coffin and a cold dead stare
Why did things go so fatally wrong
My heart cracks now to your favourite song
I used to become warmer and I used to smile big
But now I just watch as these old men dig
The hole for your final resting domain
And now I put my head up and I see the light of my train
It's coming right at me, finally I say
It seems suicide was the answer, it'll save my day
By bringing me closer to the one I love, you
When I die it's because of the girl I pursue...
There is no I in TEAM but there IS an I in TRAITOR.
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Old 12-07-2005, 07:58 PM   #2
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Well, it seems forced -- the rhyme. You don't need to do it. Look, I've seen almost the exact same thing from everyone else -- no offense. It’s just that when someone goes into a dark poem where they complain about how the tragic love had gone and how it sucked. But most readers don't care about you; they want images to see with their work. "I had a girlfriend/now she has seen the end" only took my two seconds to conjure up.

I want something other then hearing your tragic experiences, what I want is something more - I want to have those beautiful sceneries with real emotions -- it doesn't seem that you're trying hard enough to give your emotions life. Sometimes, you should just lose that rhyming scheme, its meager compared to the words and emotions involved. Some of your lines try so hard to rhyme. Nursery rhymes were for the simplistic childhood days, but you're a teenager -- your emotions aren't that petty. They're much deeper and much more powerful then those effortless days. I would like for you to try something else please; and I want you to put your emotions on there, the whole structure of poetry comes second (editing et cetera). Even if it about a lost love, make me feel the tiniest ounce of that agony, don't just simply tell me that you're hurting inside -- that doesn't cut it.

Just to share poetry deserves credit, and I think I should approbate you for just that alone.

Last edited by Unwilling : 12-07-2005 at 08:01 PM.
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Old 12-07-2005, 11:28 PM   #3
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Rhyming couplets are hard. The rhyme really has to sound natural, which is hard.

When you express a strong emotion, it's simple to tell us what we should feel, what should be a tragic story, what should move us. But the problem is that we're callous people who have heard this stuff before - you really need to make your pain visible in a way that's showing it, not telling us about it.

Good stories are told in a series of scenes. You can see and hear and smell what's going on, the people seem real and you care about them. You have to do the same thing in poetry, though of course you go about it a much different way - it's much more condensed and latent. A few lines have to be able to say alot.
Illustrate the sort of life the two lead - details do more wonders than generalities.

And, check this poem out. It might take a couple read throughs. But it tells a story that you can picture...
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Old 12-07-2005, 11:46 PM   #4
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That is a good poem. I like the first 8 stanzas. I really like this part:

You sang Lou Reed into my ear
Until laughing, you forgot the words
And I had turned away.
Five minutes later,
‘Sunday Morning’ started up again

sorry inittowinit, I know this has nothing whatsoever to do with your poem.
Tweedledee (To Alice): I know what you're thinking about, but it isn't so, nohow.
Tweedledum: Contrarwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't it ain't
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Old 12-08-2005, 09:19 PM   #5
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Thumbs up

OK... wow, I didn't expect that.

Uhh, wow, you guys are good.
There is no I in TEAM but there IS an I in TRAITOR.
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Old 12-12-2005, 11:34 PM   #6
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Uh, WHOA guys, you just entirely blew me away. All I have to say is that damnit, I agree! haha but yeah, wow, amazing job with the critque there, entirely honest and entirely helpful. Said everything I had in mind.

Dear, I understand these are your raw feelings, but like Unwilling said, your raw feelings don't matter unless they incite beauty in my mind. Some of the lines in your poem are tres belle, and they're on the cusp of showing me what's happening, you're almost there, a little more work and it's going to happen, Promise!
I always found beauty in debris
Won't you ravage the rest of me please?
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Old 01-07-2006, 10:59 PM   #7
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Post Alrite..

Alrite.. well idk wut yall thought but i loved the poem! i signed up to teen lit cuz it said "teen" but ur poem sounds much more than a poem written by a teen. Idk how old u are or how old neone is here. but for me, i love the poem! way to go.

ps: guys please check out my poem "Mastermind" I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WUT PPL THINK OF IT!!!
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