I am Human: 1

girlonfire · 04-03-2006, 04:31 PM

She shivers. Its freezing...late November and the sun sets at four now...silk ponchos just don't cut it in bitterness like this one. Despite the cold...and in dirret chances of getting phnemonia or hyperthermia...she was lulled by the movement of the river, drifting down stream, she could hear it churning up at the damn and she felt peace. The warmth of the knowlege that it was Friday would keep her toasty...she could be free, be her self. Relax.
Something hot and sticky trickled down her upper lip, and dribbled down her chin.
"****..." Nose bleed. Loua was prone to nose bleeds, hot and cold flushes, fainting...the doctors said it was blood pressure. Loua laughs to her self as she slides out of 'u' in the trees branch. She had to get home...back to fussy mothers who'll complain about her casual dress at this time of year and ask he to do the washing up or tidy her room. There was always something to do, from helping with her little brother's home work to her own, to chores, to prayers, to little helpful things...if he wasn't at home...she couldn't be asked to do those things. So she resented having to get up now, having to leave and return to reality.

"Hi mum..." She mumbled and begins make her way up stairs to the bathroom.
"Hi honey...after you've clogged your self up can you help Danny with his math? And you need to do your homework too...oh....your pills, take them before your blood pressure gets too high."
"I don't need the pills mum..." She replies, her voice droning with a mixture of annoyance and sarcasm.
"Yes. You do. Dc. Fredrick prescribed them for you, you need them."
"You're all fools." Loua murmers under her breath in such a way it sounds demonic.
"Excuse me?"
"I said," Loua says more strongly, "that you are all fools....deaf too, apparently."
"Get your butt down here and say that to my face and see it i don't slap you!"
"Thing is i don't wan to mum. You can go stuff your self for all i care."
"How DARE you!"
"I dared."
A smile twitches at the corner of Loua's mouth. She felt powerful, in controll, she pretty much looked stoned. She wasn't.
"It's not a medical condition mum...those pills don't do anything. You can't stop it...it's totally and completly humam. And you are less than that, you all are. You know i? I am completly human...so human i'm alien...by the way mum...there'sa storm coming...you might want to bar the windows. I have a feeling it's coming for you...."

What you think? It's just the prologue, but still? Any coments? Thanks anyway

~swissmochafudge~ · 04-04-2006, 10:05 AM

It was interesting for sure, you've got talent if you work on it and if you realy want to become an author, writer, you will.

Watch your..oh whats it called....like, "past present and future"....aha! Tenses! For instance you switched from past tense to present tense a LOT of times, which was distracting. Keep what you are writing in mind when your typing it out.

i would critique more specifically but I'm exhousted right now..sorry..

04-03-2006, 04:31 PM	#1
girlonfire TeenLit Regular Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 72	I am Human: 1 She shivers. Its freezing...late November and the sun sets at four now...silk ponchos just don't cut it in bitterness like this one. Despite the cold...and in dirret chances of getting phnemonia or hyperthermia...she was lulled by the movement of the river, drifting down stream, she could hear it churning up at the damn and she felt peace. The warmth of the knowlege that it was Friday would keep her toasty...she could be free, be her self. Relax. Something hot and sticky trickled down her upper lip, and dribbled down her chin. "****..." Nose bleed. Loua was prone to nose bleeds, hot and cold flushes, fainting...the doctors said it was blood pressure. Loua laughs to her self as she slides out of 'u' in the trees branch. She had to get home...back to fussy mothers who'll complain about her casual dress at this time of year and ask he to do the washing up or tidy her room. There was always something to do, from helping with her little brother's home work to her own, to chores, to prayers, to little helpful things...if he wasn't at home...she couldn't be asked to do those things. So she resented having to get up now, having to leave and return to reality. "Hi mum..." She mumbled and begins make her way up stairs to the bathroom. "Hi honey...after you've clogged your self up can you help Danny with his math? And you need to do your homework too...oh....your pills, take them before your blood pressure gets too high." "I don't need the pills mum..." She replies, her voice droning with a mixture of annoyance and sarcasm. "Yes. You do. Dc. Fredrick prescribed them for you, you need them." "You're all fools." Loua murmers under her breath in such a way it sounds demonic. "Excuse me?" "I said," Loua says more strongly, "that you are all fools....deaf too, apparently." "Get your butt down here and say that to my face and see it i don't slap you!" "Thing is i don't wan to mum. You can go stuff your self for all i care." "How DARE you!" "I dared." A smile twitches at the corner of Loua's mouth. She felt powerful, in controll, she pretty much looked stoned. She wasn't. "It's not a medical condition mum...those pills don't do anything. You can't stop it...it's totally and completly humam. And you are less than that, you all are. You know i? I am completly human...so human i'm alien...by the way mum...there'sa storm coming...you might want to bar the windows. I have a feeling it's coming for you...." What you think? It's just the prologue, but still? Any coments? Thanks anyway

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04-04-2006, 10:05 AM	#2
~swissmochafudge~ Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 156	It was interesting for sure, you've got talent if you work on it and if you realy want to become an author, writer, you will. Watch your..oh whats it called....like, "past present and future"....aha! Tenses! For instance you switched from past tense to present tense a LOT of times, which was distracting. Keep what you are writing in mind when your typing it out. i would critique more specifically but I'm exhousted right now..sorry..