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Old 03-14-2006, 06:42 PM   #1
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Exclamation ne ideas?

does any one have any ideas for a name for this poem that i wrote and ways that i could make it better

Finding a way
Into the fray
Into the swords
Of the horde
Clashing and swinging
For a meaning
Known only
To the lonely
Who cant find
The state of mind
Where they will care
For anotherís fare
Now that Iím out
Ill try prevent anotherís pout
To keep the fray
From stealing the world away
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Old 03-17-2006, 12:54 PM   #2
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its actually pretty good...
but in the last few lines, the syllables sound a bit off...
and in one line you say..."i'll try prevent another's pout" which is good, but i think, perhaps you forgot the "to" after "try"...
but other than that, its actually pretty good.
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I stared death in the eye, said the note from yesterday
And as I sat and wondered,
The boy with the green eyes winked at me
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Old 03-19-2006, 09:47 PM   #3
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oh yes thats what i forgot thx
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Old 03-19-2006, 10:07 PM   #4
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Well, first I will have some constructive criticism, then I'll think of a title. First, the rhyme seems a little forced, especially in the last four lines. Although, sword and horde is pretty creative. Also can't has an apostrophe in it. Very few people today write in couplets, so that's pretty cool.

I think this poem was written, just for the fun of being written. There really isn't any need for a title. BUT if you want one, I would suggest "The Battle". I like 2 word titles.
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