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#1 |
TeenLit Newbie
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Hidden Haunt
By Levi LaFonte Society in which we partake Is nothing more than a fake on the surface its all nice but underneath there’s no rice to feed the kids who others buy we all know it don’t deny that there is a hidden haunt and all we can think of is what we want sure I’d like a million dollars but I’d prefer to see millions holler better yet to see them act to help change the there’s a fact that there is no meat for the boy with no feet blown of by a bomb the same one that killed his mom just because the his family went against the say of one of the many corrupt governments today who steal their peoples food away and use it to buy guns for another day to keep the people under oppression a constant supply of depression and all we can think of is what we want? Maybe some shoes from a sweat shop That a six year old child made Just to be under paid When the people become defiant The government’s soldiers will keep them quite When you’re done reading this poem You’ll decide against its tone Then forget about the hidden haunt And go back to thinking about what you want |
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#2 |
Senior Member
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You know, I am going to devise a mantra, something along the lines of "S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G! Spelling, Spelling, if that doesn't do it, Grammar can!". English can be a cool language, if you use it.
I can see this being a little kids rap song on one of those infomercial CDs. Don't know if that's exactly what you're going for but I'll tell you that it's cute. That's basically the only word I can use to describe it, which is better than "bad".
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Sugar, Your Bunny [It's the cure to getting older] |
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#3 |
Senior Member
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can we get an example of the parts you thought were bad????
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Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice can have their choice And so will I have mine. |
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#4 |
Senior Member
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But I didn't think it was bad, I thought it was cute.
Like I said, it should be a little kids rap song.
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Sugar, Your Bunny [It's the cure to getting older] |
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#5 |
TeenLit Newbie
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what spelling mistakes?
and grammar and punctation rules do not apply yo poetry it is an art you use punctuaion to emphasize certain parts in it |
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#6 |
Senior Member
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Well you are right in some ways, poetry does not have to follow strict rules of grammar and punctuation, but you know you are writing it in the English language, and actually using it is the least you can do.
Examples: on the surface its all nice When did surface because possessive of "all nice"? to help change the there’s a fact I think you're missing some words here? blown of by a bomb Blown off? I'm not trying to rag on your poem, it's nice. I'm sorry if my critique sounded harsh. Let me try again. I personally think, you should try to incorporate more proper English language usage into your poem, right now it's like one big run-on sentence, and it makes the reader feel out of breath at the end. Certain lines like this one: we all know it don’t deny turn awkward and the reader is begging for commas, periods, semi-colons even! I also personally think your poem is a little amateur, I think it's really sweet and very cute, portrays what I think would be a cool little kids rap song. That again, is not something I hold for or against your poem. Better?
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Sugar, Your Bunny [It's the cure to getting older] |
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