Chipped Mysteries

[Inertia83]

I'm guessing that this is a free verse - Although I liked your poem well enough overall, I somehow thought that it was missing... that special oomph? Your choice of words was basically good, in my opinion, but you could try using more unique words. For example, instead of using 'old' 3 times, try substituting it with another adjective.

Also - unless I'm wrong... then maybe try varying the sentence lengths. You seemed to fall into a pattern, which is fine if that was your intention.

Anyway, I hope I offered some semi-good advice. Good job though, I quite like it.

Jules

[thisismenotyou]

i agree about "old" if u could find some other words it would sound better. but i like the pattern. of course it could be b/c i'm ocd or something && i'm obssessed w/ patterns lol. but i like the idea && concept behind your poem. i like free verse used to wrtie it all the time....err but it wasn't that great lol! but i liked your poem overall it just needs a little....tweeking.

*~*Ryanne*~*