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Old 01-10-2006, 04:58 PM   #1
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I'm kind of busy, but I'll try my best to leave an opinion later on.
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Old 01-11-2006, 07:07 AM   #2
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i liked it, but the urn one was sooooooooooooo good
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
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Old 01-12-2006, 08:15 PM   #3
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before I start reading, I printed this story in notepad [I prefer MS Word yes, but there’s a point that I just start opening notepad]. I It was less then a page. I know it’s a short story, and indeed, short is a relative term, but still, I’d try to expand my word count. That’s a problem because most people are eager to show off their work. I’m sure you mean more to do with the story [I hope at least] , but it seems a bit hazardous to the story.

Why? When I write something, I look forward to people reading and commenting on my work. However, I reserve what I show to a certain point in the work. Once you get that reward, you might get lazy or put the work aside [to picking it up later or never]. I’ve seen writers begin a story [myself included], flaunt the work [comments or not] on the internet, then all of a sudden, their former enthusiasm to the work dies. While this may be attributed to the lost of the novelty of the storyl I’d still establish a quota until I so show it off.

[When her mother opened the door.]
I’d recommend you don’t start with the pronoun, [unless this is a continuation of something else.] It makes the work appear lazy. Remember, the first sentence is do-or-die a lot of the time for writers.

[“You know, my grandmother knits,…”]
^ add that comma

[their timing…cleaver]

readers enjoy characters that have problems. I just want to note [says the one who over-analyzes] that because you’ve having her say this; it’s obvious that she’s channeling her failure to make others to laugh on the joke itself or the timing; but not herself. That would either mean that she’s a bit slow in admitting things to being her fault [or just jokes.] I just wanted to note that.

“God, those kids are acting like idiots.” I had no reason to hate them so much, it was just I felt like I was almost above them, like their frank manners and noisy gestures were beneath me.
^Good job here. But, perhaps they should throw something at her first; usually people don’t say anything out loud until they’re hit.

[this feeling of superiority, but we were both just as confused and bewildered by life as the group of kids. ]
^ I don’t know if you should tell me that. Allow the reader to assume about their childhood through their actions. just saying that suffices. saying anymore is giving too much away.

[She trailed on about every hesitation and anxiety that plagued her. ]
^ I’d like to hear about them. It seems that you’re giving too much away if you just said that sentence. But, you know, it seems that people like to skip past the boring parts. You can, [for now] but I would recommend that

[I glanced back at the group of teenagers and the sad truth was they were exactly like Jessica and I. ]
^ how?

[“Some people think I’m on drugs.” ]
^ is it like your character to make a quip about that?

I don’t know what to really make of it because it I kind of small.
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Old 01-12-2006, 10:08 PM   #4
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I guess should elaborate on why this story is so concise. Well, first off, this is more prose than a story. I try to right prose everyday, for practice, and when I like what I've written I show it to other people. And another reason why this particular piece is short is due to the fact that the story is unresolved. With my daily prose, I often continue characters and their conflicts and I rarely resolve them.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense.
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