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Old 12-04-2005, 12:41 PM   #1
Unwilling
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Alright, so I had a dream a few nights ago; and what is happening in the poem is one of the few events that I remember. I'm not that great at poems, but this is one of the few places where I go to present my poetry to the world. Please, it's a rather short one, so it will not take long - just be blunt and all that honest crud - I trust your criticisms.



Your bare face
prying my tongue from the gums
(once taxed for restraint)
eroding the interjectors
rapid anticipation
- I was only missing my nose
when you left




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Old 12-09-2005, 04:49 PM   #2
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i dont get what your dream means
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Old 12-09-2005, 05:37 PM   #3
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Thanks, your review means a lot to me; it will definitely ascribe for my advancement for poetry. Do you not like it? Or does it just sound too abstract Oblivion? How do you think I should edit it make it better?

Last edited by Unwilling : 12-09-2005 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 12-10-2005, 09:40 PM   #4
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I think dreams are too weird for anyone else to really understand, good job putting into words though. Im thinking dentist?, something along those lines.
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Old 12-11-2005, 05:11 PM   #5
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well, this is a poem, not a riddle. It's fine it no one "gets it". That means that I'll have to re-do this one some time. Which was what I was doing anyway.
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Old 12-11-2005, 10:44 PM   #6
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Mm, I like the language and the subtle images and I think it's quite nice, but no one is going to "get it" per se, and if you ask me, that's not really a bad thing.

Great Job, I don't compliment that often.
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Old 12-23-2005, 07:02 PM   #7
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ok i can see a dentist for the first 2 lines, but the rest im lost
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Old 12-27-2005, 12:15 AM   #8
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To be honest, I actually really liked your poem. I like the fact that there is nothing to get. Your choice in words is great - overall, I loved it.

Dentist? Not in my opinion. That's just too... literal? If it's inspired by a dream - then I don't think that it can specifically be about a profession etc. A dream tends to be abstract in itself, so it can be said that it reflects back onto the poem.

Good job!
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Old 01-07-2006, 10:04 PM   #9
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Hm. This looks familiar. Have I seen a draft of this anywhere, perhaps? Another site, or a literary thing?

I really don't think it's about a 'proffesion' -- I'm interpreting it as something more personal than that. Our weirdest dreams are so weird because they are personal.

I've finally figured out what's been vexing me about this since I saw this posted. It's the fourth line. I hate to sound illiterate but I think it has too many 'big words' [especially when next to "rapid anticipation"...that should probably stay, though]; something like this is most hardhitting when it sounds to be on the verge of literal, but isn't. Your last two lines do this well.
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Old 01-07-2006, 10:41 PM   #10
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heh, you did. In my poetry folder; except edited. I hated this poem, so I eventually broke it down and placed it somewhere else. I really don't like it.
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