If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Search this Thread | Display Modes |
12-04-2005, 12:41 PM | #1 |
TeenLit Regular
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67
|
(Lacking a name)
Alright, so I had a dream a few nights ago; and what is happening in the poem is one of the few events that I remember. I'm not that great at poems, but this is one of the few places where I go to present my poetry to the world. Please, it's a rather short one, so it will not take long - just be blunt and all that honest crud - I trust your criticisms.
Your bare face prying my tongue from the gums (once taxed for restraint) eroding the interjectors rapid anticipation - I was only missing my nose when you left |
12-09-2005, 04:49 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
|
i dont get what your dream means
__________________
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. |
12-09-2005, 05:37 PM | #3 |
TeenLit Regular
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67
|
Thanks, your review means a lot to me; it will definitely ascribe for my advancement for poetry. Do you not like it? Or does it just sound too abstract Oblivion? How do you think I should edit it make it better?
Last edited by Unwilling : 12-09-2005 at 05:42 PM. |
12-10-2005, 09:40 PM | #4 |
Senior Member
|
I think dreams are too weird for anyone else to really understand, good job putting into words though. Im thinking dentist?, something along those lines.
__________________
I know you'll come back someday On a bed of nails awake I'm praying that you don't burn out Or fade away You're falling back to me The star that I can't see I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling out of reach Defying gravity I know you're out there Somewhere out there -Our Lady Peace |
12-11-2005, 05:11 PM | #5 |
TeenLit Regular
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67
|
well, this is a poem, not a riddle. It's fine it no one "gets it". That means that I'll have to re-do this one some time. Which was what I was doing anyway.
|
12-11-2005, 10:44 PM | #6 |
Senior Member
|
Mm, I like the language and the subtle images and I think it's quite nice, but no one is going to "get it" per se, and if you ask me, that's not really a bad thing.
Great Job, I don't compliment that often.
__________________
Sugar, Your Bunny [It's the cure to getting older] |
12-23-2005, 07:02 PM | #7 |
Senior Member
|
ok i can see a dentist for the first 2 lines, but the rest im lost
__________________
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. |
12-27-2005, 12:15 AM | #8 |
TeenLit Newbie
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 15
|
To be honest, I actually really liked your poem. I like the fact that there is nothing to get. Your choice in words is great - overall, I loved it.
Dentist? Not in my opinion. That's just too... literal? If it's inspired by a dream - then I don't think that it can specifically be about a profession etc. A dream tends to be abstract in itself, so it can be said that it reflects back onto the poem. Good job! |
01-07-2006, 10:04 PM | #9 |
Senior Member
|
Hm. This looks familiar. Have I seen a draft of this anywhere, perhaps? Another site, or a literary thing?
I really don't think it's about a 'proffesion' -- I'm interpreting it as something more personal than that. Our weirdest dreams are so weird because they are personal. I've finally figured out what's been vexing me about this since I saw this posted. It's the fourth line. I hate to sound illiterate but I think it has too many 'big words' [especially when next to "rapid anticipation"...that should probably stay, though]; something like this is most hardhitting when it sounds to be on the verge of literal, but isn't. Your last two lines do this well.
__________________
http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do. Cheers! |
01-07-2006, 10:41 PM | #10 |
TeenLit Regular
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 67
|
heh, you did. In my poetry folder; except edited. I hated this poem, so I eventually broke it down and placed it somewhere else. I really don't like it.
|
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|