(Lacking a name)

Unwilling · 12-04-2005, 12:41 PM

Alright, so I had a dream a few nights ago; and what is happening in the poem is one of the few events that I remember. I'm not that great at poems, but this is one of the few places where I go to present my poetry to the world. Please, it's a rather short one, so it will not take long - just be blunt and all that honest crud - I trust your criticisms.

Your bare face
prying my tongue from the gums
(once taxed for restraint)
eroding the interjectors
rapid anticipation
- I was only missing my nose
when you left

Oblivion · 12-09-2005, 04:49 PM

i dont get what your dream means

Unwilling · 12-09-2005, 05:37 PM

Thanks, your review means a lot to me; it will definitely ascribe for my advancement for poetry. Do you not like it? Or does it just sound too abstract Oblivion? How do you think I should edit it make it better?

Imrahil1234 · 12-10-2005, 09:40 PM

I think dreams are too weird for anyone else to really understand, good job putting into words though. Im thinking dentist?, something along those lines.

Unwilling · 12-11-2005, 05:11 PM

well, this is a poem, not a riddle. It's fine it no one "gets it". That means that I'll have to re-do this one some time. Which was what I was doing anyway.

Vennila X Vana · 12-11-2005, 10:44 PM

Mm, I like the language and the subtle images and I think it's quite nice, but no one is going to "get it" per se, and if you ask me, that's not really a bad thing.

Great Job, I don't compliment that often.

Oblivion · 12-23-2005, 07:02 PM

ok i can see a dentist for the first 2 lines, but the rest im lost

Inertia83 · 12-27-2005, 12:15 AM

To be honest, I actually really liked your poem. I like the fact that there is nothing to get. Your choice in words is great - overall, I loved it.

Dentist? Not in my opinion. That's just too... literal? If it's inspired by a dream - then I don't think that it can specifically be about a profession etc. A dream tends to be abstract in itself, so it can be said that it reflects back onto the poem.

Good job!

Isis · 01-07-2006, 10:04 PM

Hm. This looks familiar. Have I seen a draft of this anywhere, perhaps? Another site, or a literary thing?

I really don't think it's about a 'proffesion' -- I'm interpreting it as something more personal than that. Our weirdest dreams are so weird because they are personal.

I've finally figured out what's been vexing me about this since I saw this posted. It's the fourth line. I hate to sound illiterate but I think it has too many 'big words' [especially when next to "rapid anticipation"...that should probably stay, though]; something like this is most hardhitting when it sounds to be on the verge of literal, but isn't. Your last two lines do this well.

Unwilling · 01-07-2006, 10:41 PM

heh, you did. In my poetry folder; except edited. I hated this poem, so I eventually broke it down and placed it somewhere else. I really don't like it.

12-04-2005, 12:41 PM	#1
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	(Lacking a name) Alright, so I had a dream a few nights ago; and what is happening in the poem is one of the few events that I remember. I'm not that great at poems, but this is one of the few places where I go to present my poetry to the world. Please, it's a rather short one, so it will not take long - just be blunt and all that honest crud - I trust your criticisms. Your bare face prying my tongue from the gums (once taxed for restraint) eroding the interjectors rapid anticipation - I was only missing my nose when you left

12-09-2005, 04:49 PM	#2
Oblivion Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 184	i dont get what your dream means __________________ Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

12-09-2005, 05:37 PM	#3
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	Thanks, your review means a lot to me; it will definitely ascribe for my advancement for poetry. Do you not like it? Or does it just sound too abstract Oblivion? How do you think I should edit it make it better? Last edited by Unwilling : 12-09-2005 at 05:42 PM.

12-10-2005, 09:40 PM	#4
Imrahil1234 Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 124	I think dreams are too weird for anyone else to really understand, good job putting into words though. Im thinking dentist?, something along those lines. __________________ I know you'll come back someday On a bed of nails awake I'm praying that you don't burn out Or fade away You're falling back to me The star that I can't see I know you're out there Somewhere out there You're falling out of reach Defying gravity I know you're out there Somewhere out there -Our Lady Peace

12-11-2005, 10:44 PM	#6
Vennila X Vana Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 285	Mm, I like the language and the subtle images and I think it's quite nice, but no one is going to "get it" per se, and if you ask me, that's not really a bad thing. Great Job, I don't compliment that often. __________________ Sugar, Your Bunny [It's the cure to getting older]

12-11-2005, 05:11 PM	#5
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	well, this is a poem, not a riddle. It's fine it no one "gets it". That means that I'll have to re-do this one some time. Which was what I was doing anyway.

12-23-2005, 07:02 PM	#7
Oblivion Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 184	ok i can see a dentist for the first 2 lines, but the rest im lost __________________ Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

12-27-2005, 12:15 AM	#8
Inertia83 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 15	To be honest, I actually really liked your poem. I like the fact that there is nothing to get. Your choice in words is great - overall, I loved it. Dentist? Not in my opinion. That's just too... literal? If it's inspired by a dream - then I don't think that it can specifically be about a profession etc. A dream tends to be abstract in itself, so it can be said that it reflects back onto the poem. Good job!

01-07-2006, 10:04 PM	#9
Isis Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 276	Hm. This looks familiar. Have I seen a draft of this anywhere, perhaps? Another site, or a literary thing? I really don't think it's about a 'proffesion' -- I'm interpreting it as something more personal than that. Our weirdest dreams are so weird because they are personal. I've finally figured out what's been vexing me about this since I saw this posted. It's the fourth line. I hate to sound illiterate but I think it has too many 'big words' [especially when next to "rapid anticipation"...that should probably stay, though]; something like this is most hardhitting when it sounds to be on the verge of literal, but isn't. Your last two lines do this well. __________________ http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do. Cheers!

01-07-2006, 10:41 PM	#10
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	heh, you did. In my poetry folder; except edited. I hated this poem, so I eventually broke it down and placed it somewhere else. I really don't like it.

Thread Tools	Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Email this Page	Search this Thread: Advanced Search
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode