TeenLit Community Forums  

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   TeenLit Community Forums > Writing > Short Stories For Review
User Name
Password
Register FAQ Guidelines Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 10-12-2005, 10:17 PM   #1
Isis
Senior Member
 
Isis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 276
Send a message via AIM to Isis
Default

People do venture into the writing forums occasionally - at least, I hope they do, because I just posted work as well. XD

First off - spacing your writing helps. It looks like you had this indented properly when you typed it up in a word processor, but to post on forums you've gotta put a space between paragraphs. Dialouge can be clumped together for three to seven lines if you have a lot of that, so it doesn't seem too spaced out but is still easy to read.

Next: The dialouge. There was...well, there was a LOT. Dialouge is a tricky thing. I think you have the brother-sister thing down pretty well. However, you don't want to have it just be two disembodied voices talking - make sure that there's some description or action while the talking goes on. You have some, indicating tone of voice, as well as what's going on in the scene. That's good - there just needs to be more of that. Maybe when she's talking to the Willow you can provide more of a description of the tree. Does she imagine a face appearing on the trunk? [I do -- Pocahontas style. That's just my imagination's preference, though. And that's why description is important. Try and show people what you see.]

Your spelling didn't jump out at me as messed up and it didn't register in MS word, but I'm no copy editor. Vennila is better at that. I noticed that you could use more commas in some places. Example:
Quote:
He knew she would win, but he didnít want to be the cause of her unhappiness - for this was her element just as swimming was his.
My grammatical additions are in bold.
Quote:
She loved the way the leaves were shaped, (and<not sure if I should put comma or ďandĒ>)
There are two ways you could do it. You could put an "and", or you could put a semi-colon, [;] instead of that and in the place of the comma.

Overall, I liked the story. Combinations of cute, interesting, eerie...I'd like to see more of Andrea's thoughts and emotions emerge as you keep writing. It would really help bring the story alive - and as we read about her adventures, however crazy they be, we would still relate.
Keep writing. ^.^b
__________________
http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums
Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do.

Cheers!
Isis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2005, 07:14 AM   #2
Ameerah8
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 214
Send a message via MSN to Ameerah8 Send a message via Yahoo to Ameerah8
Default

Thanks for the crit now i know what to work on and what not to. the only other person who's edited it and gave their thought was my mom and that doesn't count cause she's a parent.
__________________
Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
Rats and mice can have their choice
And so will I have mine.
Ameerah8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-07-2005, 01:40 AM   #3
Oblivion
Senior Member
 
Oblivion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 184
Send a message via AIM to Oblivion
Cool

hmmmmmmmmmmm its pretty good
__________________
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
Oblivion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-08-2005, 08:44 PM   #4
Ameerah8
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 214
Send a message via MSN to Ameerah8 Send a message via Yahoo to Ameerah8
Default

good as in you would want to read the next chapter or good as in "i'm just being nice, your story really sucks"
__________________
Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
Rats and mice can have their choice
And so will I have mine.
Ameerah8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-08-2005, 10:42 PM   #5
Oblivion
Senior Member
 
Oblivion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 184
Send a message via AIM to Oblivion
Thumbs up

I like the begginning but i dont realy like the last parts, but thats cuz i need more to go off of, dont worry it doesnt suck
__________________
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
Oblivion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2005, 06:22 PM   #6
Ameerah8
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 214
Send a message via MSN to Ameerah8 Send a message via Yahoo to Ameerah8
Default

more to go on, such as?
__________________
Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
Rats and mice can have their choice
And so will I have mine.
Ameerah8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-30-2005, 09:41 PM   #7
Oblivion
Senior Member
 
Oblivion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 184
Send a message via AIM to Oblivion
Post

Sorry i couldnt reply earlier, i had family problems. Anyway, post some more, because right now i'm very confused on why she wouldnt be petrified about a tree talking with her, tell more about why she is more comfortable with it. Or were you going to post that later?
__________________
Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail.

Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
Oblivion is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:44 AM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.5.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

EMS Chat
EMS News