Brisk read.

Isis · 10-12-2005, 10:17 PM

People do venture into the writing forums occasionally - at least, I hope they do, because I just posted work as well. XD

First off - spacing your writing helps. It looks like you had this indented properly when you typed it up in a word processor, but to post on forums you've gotta put a space between paragraphs. Dialouge can be clumped together for three to seven lines if you have a lot of that, so it doesn't seem too spaced out but is still easy to read.

Next: The dialouge. There was...well, there was a LOT. Dialouge is a tricky thing. I think you have the brother-sister thing down pretty well. However, you don't want to have it just be two disembodied voices talking - make sure that there's some description or action while the talking goes on. You have some, indicating tone of voice, as well as what's going on in the scene. That's good - there just needs to be more of that. Maybe when she's talking to the Willow you can provide more of a description of the tree. Does she imagine a face appearing on the trunk? [I do -- Pocahontas style. That's just my imagination's preference, though. And that's why description is important. Try and show people what you see.]

Your spelling didn't jump out at me as messed up and it didn't register in MS word, but I'm no copy editor. Vennila is better at that. I noticed that you could use more commas in some places. Example:

Quote:

He knew she would win, but he didn’t want to be the cause of her unhappiness - for this was her element just as swimming was his.

My grammatical additions are in bold.

Quote:

She loved the way the leaves were shaped, (and<not sure if I should put comma or “and”>)

There are two ways you could do it. You could put an "and", or you could put a semi-colon, [;] instead of that and in the place of the comma.

Overall, I liked the story. Combinations of cute, interesting, eerie...I'd like to see more of Andrea's thoughts and emotions emerge as you keep writing. It would really help bring the story alive - and as we read about her adventures, however crazy they be, we would still relate.
Keep writing. ^.^b

Ameerah8 · 10-13-2005, 07:14 AM

Thanks for the crit now i know what to work on and what not to. the only other person who's edited it and gave their thought was my mom and that doesn't count cause she's a parent.

Oblivion · 11-07-2005, 01:40 AM

hmmmmmmmmmmm its pretty good

Ameerah8 · 11-08-2005, 08:44 PM

good as in you would want to read the next chapter or good as in "i'm just being nice, your story really sucks"

Oblivion · 11-08-2005, 10:42 PM

I like the begginning but i dont realy like the last parts, but thats cuz i need more to go off of, dont worry it doesnt suck

Ameerah8 · 11-12-2005, 06:22 PM

more to go on, such as?

Oblivion · 11-30-2005, 09:41 PM

Sorry i couldnt reply earlier, i had family problems. Anyway, post some more, because right now i'm very confused on why she wouldnt be petrified about a tree talking with her, tell more about why she is more comfortable with it. Or were you going to post that later?

10-13-2005, 07:14 AM	#2
Ameerah8 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 214	Thanks for the crit now i know what to work on and what not to. the only other person who's edited it and gave their thought was my mom and that doesn't count cause she's a parent. __________________ Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice can have their choice And so will I have mine.

11-07-2005, 01:40 AM	#3
Oblivion Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 184	hmmmmmmmmmmm its pretty good __________________ Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

11-08-2005, 08:44 PM	#4
Ameerah8 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 214	good as in you would want to read the next chapter or good as in "i'm just being nice, your story really sucks" __________________ Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice can have their choice And so will I have mine.

11-08-2005, 10:42 PM	#5
Oblivion Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 184	I like the begginning but i dont realy like the last parts, but thats cuz i need more to go off of, dont worry it doesnt suck __________________ Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

11-12-2005, 06:22 PM	#6
Ameerah8 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 214	more to go on, such as? __________________ Birds of a feather flock together, And so will pigs and swine; Rats and mice can have their choice And so will I have mine.

11-30-2005, 09:41 PM	#7
Oblivion Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 184	Sorry i couldnt reply earlier, i had family problems. Anyway, post some more, because right now i'm very confused on why she wouldnt be petrified about a tree talking with her, tell more about why she is more comfortable with it. Or were you going to post that later? __________________ Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the titanic. What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail. Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.

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