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05-08-2006, 07:05 PM | #1 |
TeenLit Newbie
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nonsense
NOnsense
by Levi LaFonte A rhyme For a dime Should be a crime fore its not worth the time to get paid no more then a petty ***** who opens her legs a few times a day and to earn a drink a poet must think |
05-08-2006, 11:00 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
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I think you're trying too hard to rhyme. If you're being satirical here with the rhyme, it still seems forced. You could go with the 'childish' feeling you've got in the last too lines, if you want to keep the rhyming couplets, but the '*****' lines ruin it. They make me know that you're taking yourself seriously, trying to be edgy: at least, that's how it seems to me.
Couplets are hard. Either try to make them whimsical and fun [read some Shel Silverstein!] or steer away from them. It is hard to make them sound serious, and if you want serious/deep/emotional, try something new. Don't rhyme, and don't fall into cliche imagary as you start to construct images and metahpors in your poem. Blood, cutting, harlots, getting dumped, butterflies, pits, hell, roses, and tears are some things that don't go over well. Look around for something personal to write about, but not so personal that you feel you must stick to the truth, or that you're expressing your innermost emotions. Think of a memory, a prized object, a favorite hiding place. Writing about concrete things is good practice, and makes for good poetry.
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05-09-2006, 07:01 PM | #3 |
TeenLit Newbie
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like this?
If you like the tone Of my new and current poem Give me a beer and more you'll hear If you find it not so crude I’ll recite it in the nude And if you wish contend In words I will defend In them only you will attack Fore I bet its rhymes that you lack |
05-09-2006, 09:32 PM | #4 |
Senior Member
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Not what I was looking for, but a little bit better.
Read your poems aloud. Any stiltiness, lack of rhythm, etc. will be immediately apparant if you do so, and will be easy for you to fix.
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05-18-2006, 02:48 PM | #5 |
TeenLit Newbie
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ok thanks for the tips
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