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crazy1 05-08-2006 07:05 PM

by Levi LaFonte

A rhyme
For a dime
Should be a crime
fore its not worth the time
to get paid no more
then a petty *****
who opens her legs
a few times a day
and to earn a drink
a poet must think

Isis 05-08-2006 11:00 PM

I think you're trying too hard to rhyme. If you're being satirical here with the rhyme, it still seems forced. You could go with the 'childish' feeling you've got in the last too lines, if you want to keep the rhyming couplets, but the '*****' lines ruin it. They make me know that you're taking yourself seriously, trying to be edgy: at least, that's how it seems to me.

Couplets are hard. Either try to make them whimsical and fun [read some Shel Silverstein!] or steer away from them. It is hard to make them sound serious, and if you want serious/deep/emotional, try something new. Don't rhyme, and don't fall into cliche imagary as you start to construct images and metahpors in your poem. Blood, cutting, harlots, getting dumped, butterflies, pits, hell, roses, and tears are some things that don't go over well.

Look around for something personal to write about, but not so personal that you feel you must stick to the truth, or that you're expressing your innermost emotions. Think of a memory, a prized object, a favorite hiding place. Writing about concrete things is good practice, and makes for good poetry.

crazy1 05-09-2006 07:01 PM

like this?

If you like the tone
Of my new and current poem
Give me a beer
and more you'll hear
If you find it not so crude
Iíll recite it in the nude
And if you wish contend
In words I will defend
In them only you will attack
Fore I bet its rhymes that you lack

Isis 05-09-2006 09:32 PM

Not what I was looking for, but a little bit better.

Read your poems aloud. Any stiltiness, lack of rhythm, etc. will be immediately apparant if you do so, and will be easy for you to fix.

crazy1 05-18-2006 02:48 PM

ok thanks for the tips

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