Reble in Vraeldrix

[runnerkgirl]

haha i know that name is a mouthfull but its supposed to be elvish
ok this is my first time here but i've been working on this story for a while and i want lots of feedback please!

Reble in Vraeldrix

Warning!!

This book contains fantasy, adventure, rebles, teachers, love, betrayle, kings, independant princesses, and technologically advanced elves.

Chapter 1
Alex Green never thought he would stay in one place too long. His father was always on the move to find new work. His mother was an artist so she agreed with his father because artists can work anywhere. Alex hated leaving in the middle of the school year just when he had started to get use to every thing, and then he had to pack up and go. Leaving all of his new-found friends behind to lead normal lives. Actually he never even had any friends. So this wasn’t too much of a problem. He always kept his hopes up though, and thought that maybe in the next town there would be someone like him, lets just say Alex wasn’t your normal perfect teenager.
All his life he had been a rebel, not in a rowdy way, he had just never been the easiest person to agree with. He was very smart and sometimes though he knew everything. Thats probably where it all started.
Back in kindergarten Alex had thought his job was to comment on the teacher, Mrs. Beende’s every move. She got very tired of it, very quickly. If she said something wrong, Alex would always correct her, and didn’t even bother to raise his hand. “Alex do you know what constructive criticism is?” She asked him one day.
“Is that the stuff we use to cut out our shapes with?” said Alex. Of course he was referring to construction paper, but you can’t blame a kid for trying.
“No dear, constructive criticism is when I give you a tip or advice on something that you should work on to be a better person,” said Mrs. Beende, “I’m worried because you don’t seem to take my criticism very well and it makes me sad.” She said making a fake frown. She knew Alex was smart enough to know what she ment. She liked to leave him guessing so he couldn’t say anything about her questioning or speeches if they were left for him to ponder.
Alex was left silent for a little while staring up at her and then whispered, “You have a coffee stain on your shirt.”
And it never got any better than that.

Now Alex was in the 9th grade, and he was at his 11th school. This one was near Washington D.C. It was a private school and quite expensive, Alex had no idea how his parents were paying for it. All of the kids there were a bunch of “snoots” as Alex put it. This school was ancient and it seemed like there was a whole other wing that was just sitting there rotting. Alex thought it might be cool to explore it, but this guy Mark told him that any kid that did go even 20 feet near the building got suspended from school.
Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like too peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a reble who never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had one think in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school with no friends.
Alex’s normal day would have gone something like this: get up after hitting the snooze button about 20 times. Drag self to the shower and then pull on what ever clothes are not in the dirty clothes hamper, or at least that’s where they were aimed for they just kind of missed and ended up on the floor. Go down to breakfast and shovel in as many Cocoa Krispies and orange juice as possible before running after the school bus. Then Alex spent the whole school day going from boring class to boring class. Geometry, Chemistry, Biology, American History III, English. Alex was smart he just didn’t find this school very motivating and spent his study hall times copying off Marks notes. Which actually took him a week just to copy down one class period of notes that Mark took. Then after school he would go home and sit staring at his homework. Yep, same old same old every day.
One morning though Alex woke up feeling very strange like there was a power pulling on him to get up and get ready for school as fast and he could. Alex showered and went down stairs.
“Your up early honey,” Said Alex’s mother said as she sat at her easel with paint of all colors in her hair. Alex had never seen her mother at work like this before because he had never bothered to get up this early.
“I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.”
His mother laughed “Oh dear, your so smart that now your brain decided to get up for you.” She hugged Alex and he tried to pull away.
“MooOOoom,” He started to say but the will inside him pulled him away. Alex grabbed his backpack and ran out the door.
He heard his mother saying that it was way too early to go to school but Alex couldn’t stop running. He got all the way to school and slumped down by a tree. He had never run to school before and he wasvery tired now. He rested his eyes for a few minutes and then got up and looked around thinking it was time to go in but it seemed as if he had all the time in the world like all the clocks had stopped their ticking.
It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized what tree he was at. It was the old oak that was the closest to the rotting part of the building. Many of the kids in school would climb on this tree as a dare. Most of them got caught. They were given detention and a call to the parents.
Alex jumped up. He suddenly had a prickly feeling on the back of his neck when he looked at the building. He inched closer to the stone and then ever so carefully reached out a hand to touch the brick, nothing happened, no alarms sounded, no teachers came out blowing whistles, no cops came to arrest him. So he leaned against the building and smiled as his great accomplishment.
As soon as he leaned though he was lurched forward and he found himself falling through what felt like a series of windows. He landed on the ground with a thud and looked up. He was inside the old building. The forbidden building. The obviously very rotten building. And the extremely bad smelling building.
He examined himself and saw that he only had a few minor cuts on his arms and legs and a bruise on his head from when he hit it against one of the bricks that fell down after him.
There was a faint light coming from where he had fell. He guessed he must have fallen through the first floor and was now in the basement. He looked around and saw that he was in what must have been the boiler room.
The walls were covered in soot and there were coals all over the floor. This room must be ancient, Alex thought to himself looking at the heater in front of him. It was old and made of a sort of crusty metal. Alex guessed it must have been from all the use it had seen in the years past. This must be what they used to heat the whole school, Alex thought. He looked at the designs admiringly but then noticed something very strange. Inside this heater there was a faint glow.
No one could have used this recently, thought Alex. He inched toward the light and then slowly opened the little latched door.
In side he found not coals that were burning but a little round bronze ball. Alex picked it up and examined it. Though it looked to be burning hot it didn’t even so much as warm his flesh.
He examined the ball more closely and found that there was a small inscription going around the circumference of the object. I didn’t look like any writing he had ever seen and tried to make out what it ment.
As he rotated it in his hands he noticed that the ball was sort of split into two halves and that you could twiste them. He thought to himself, maybe there is a certain combination of twists that will make the ball open.
He tried different moves, and then finally herd a click. He carefully opened the two sides of the ball and and stepped back. Suddenly burst of light came out. He shielded his eyes and walked closer.
He felt a lurch in his stomach and he was pulled toward the ball. Not a second later and it felt like he became a liquid and was being hurtled into an alternate universe through time and space. Which actually would have been correct.
Alex closed his eyes, or at least that’s what he told his brain to do but he didn’t really feel where his eyes or mouth or even his body was anymore. He was there but it felt like nothingness. There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before.

[runnerkgirl]

I will talke any suggestions or comments or criticism.

hope u like!

[Ameerah8]

cool story. I like how you leave the reader on the end of the seat in the end. "There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before.". I personally would like to read more. You have a few spelling errors, but then again who dosen't.

[runnerkgirl]

thank you for responding i will work on posting more tomorrow


Kayla
_________
I love green!!!

[JEM]

First off edit!!! Reble is spelled "rebel"

2.The storyline is interesting and keeps the reader interested throughout.
3. I don't like the line ". Which actually took him a week just to copy down one class period of notes that Mark took." I mean is that needed? I doesn't make sense.
4. I don't really understand how he got into the school? Is this the technological elves?
5. Is this moving around a lot important to the story? Can it be taken out and not change the meaning?

I hope some of this helps.

[runnerkgirl]

Chapter 1
All his life Alex Green had been a rebel, not in a rowdy way, he had just never been the easiest person to agree with. He was smart and sometimes though he knew everything. Thats probably where it all started.
Back in kindergarten Alex had thought his job was to comment on the teacher, Mrs. Beende’s every move. She got very tired of it, very quickly. If she said something wrong, Alex would always correct her, and didn’t even bother to raise his hand. “Alex do you know what constructive criticism is?” She asked him one day.
“Is that the stuff we use to cut out our shapes with?” said Alex. Of course he was referring to construction paper, but you can’t blame a kid for trying.
“No dear, constructive criticism is when I give you a tip or advice on something that you should work on to be a better person,” said Mrs. Beende, “I’m worried because you don’t seem to take my criticism very well and it makes me sad.” She said making a fake frown. She knew Alex was smart enough to know what she ment. She liked to leave him guessing so he couldn’t say anything about her questioning or speeches if they were left for him to ponder.
Alex was left silent for a little while staring up at her and then whispered, “You have a coffee stain on your shirt.”
And it never got any better than that.

Now Alex was in the 9th grade, and was at St. Bernadette's Academyl. A private school near Washington D.C. It was quite expensive, and Alex had no idea how his parents were paying for it.
All of the kids there were a bunch of “snoots” as Alex put it. The school was ancient and it seemed like there was a whole other wing that was just sitting there rotting. Alex thought it might be cool to explore it, but this guy Mark told him that any kid that did go even 20 feet near the building was suspended from school.
Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like two peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a rebel who would never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had two thing in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school and they had no friends.
Alex’s normal day would have gone something like this: get up after hitting the snooze button about 20 times. Drag self to the shower and then pull on what ever clothes are not in the dirty clothes hamper, or at least that’s where they were aimed for they just kind of missed and ended up on the floor. Go down to breakfast and shovel in as many Cocoa Krispies and orange juice as possible before running after the school bus. Then Alex spent the whole school day going from boring class to boring class. Geometry, Chemistry, Biology, American History III, English. Alex was smart, he just didn’t find school very motivating. He spent most of his study hall times copying Marks notes. Then after school he would go home and sit staring at his homework. Yep, same old, same old every day.
One morning though, Alex woke up early feeling very strange like there was a power pulling on him to get up and get ready for school as fast and he could. Alex showered and went down stairs.
“Your up early honey,” Alex’s mother said as she sat at her easel with paint of all colors in her hair. Alex had never seen her mother at work like this before because he had never bothered to get up this early. She was an artist, but not a very popular one, and she rarely ever sold a painting. It didn't matter to Alex though, he still admired her.
“I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.”
His mother laughed “Oh dear, your so smart that now your brain decided to get up for you.” She hugged Alex and he tried to pull away.
“MooOOoom,” He started to say but the will inside him pulled him away. Alex grabbed his backpack and ran out the door.
He heard his mother saying that it was way too early to go to school but Alex couldn’t stop running. He got all the way to school and slumped down by a tree. He had never run to school before and he wasvery tired now. He rested his eyes for a few minutes and then got up and looked around thinking it was time to go in but it seemed as if he had all the time in the world like all the clocks had stopped their ticking.
It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized what tree he was at. It was the old oak that was the closest to the rotting part of the building. Many of the kids in school would climb on this tree as a dare. Most of them got caught. They were given detention and a call to the parents.
Alex jumped up. He suddenly had a prickly feeling on the back of his neck when he looked at the building. He inched closer to the stone and then ever so carefully reached out a hand to touch the brick, nothing happened, no alarms sounded, no teachers came out blowing whistles, no cops came to arrest him. So he leaned against the building and smiled as his great accomplishment.
As soon as he leaned though he remembered this building was rotting and was suddenly lurched backwards and he found himself falling through what felt like a series of windows. He landed on the ground with a thud and looked up. He was inside the old building. The forbidden building. The obviously very rotten building. And the extremely bad smelling building.
He examined himself and saw that he only had a few minor cuts on his arms and legs and a bruise on his head from when he hit it against one of the bricks that fell down after him.
There was a faint light coming from where he had fell. He guessed he must have fallen through the first floor and was now in the basement. He looked around and saw that he was in what must have been the boiler room.
The walls were covered in soot and there were coals all over the floor. This room must be ancient, Alex thought to himself looking at the heater in front of him. It was old and made of a sort of crusty metal. Alex guessed it must have been from all the use it had seen in the years past. This must be what they used to heat the whole school, Alex thought. He looked at the designs admiringly but then noticed something very strange. Inside this heater there was a faint glow.
No one could have used this recently, thought Alex. He inched toward the light and then slowly opened the little latched door.
In side he found not coals that were burning but a little round bronze ball. Alex picked it up and examined it. Though it looked to be burning hot it didn’t even so much as warm his flesh.
He examined the ball more closely and found that there was a small inscription going around the circumference of the object. I didn’t look like any writing he had ever seen and tried to make out what it ment.
As he rotated it in his hands he noticed that the ball was sort of split into two halves and that you could twiste them. He thought to himself, maybe there is a certain combination of twists that will make the ball open.
He tried different moves, and then finally herd a click. He carefully opened the two sides of the ball and and stepped back. Suddenly burst of light came out. He shielded his eyes and walked closer.
He felt a lurch in his stomach and he was pulled toward the ball. Not a second later and it felt like he became a liquid and was being hurtled into an alternate universe through time and space. Which actually would have been correct.
Alex closed his eyes, or at least that’s what he told his brain to do but he didn’t really feel where his eyes or mouth or even his body was anymore. He was there but it felt like nothingness. There was a flash of brilliant colors and then Alex stared out now sitting on the ground. He looked up and down and all around him and found himself looking at a sight he had never seen before.

[Isis]

First off, this would be a lot easier to read if you separated between paragraphs. Indents don't work on this board; you can simply put a space between each paragraph before you post. Where you would normally have one space in something that was indented [to show a scene change, or passage of time, or something] put two or three spaces.

I liked the scene with young Alex and his teacher. If you want to show his character [smart, sarcastic, "rebellious"] more of that would be a good thing.

Mark was the closest thing Alex had ever had to a friend. I guess you could say they were like two peas in a pod, except that one pea was a geeky one that everyone teased because he loved math and one was a rebel who would never fit it. They were different in many ways, but had two thing in common. They were the most unpopular kids in school and they had no friends.ager.

Here, show a scene with Mark and Alex in it. Also remember that in a snooty prep school, kids are smart and kids are competing. Maybe Alex would have been accepted if he wasn't so sarcastic or brutally honest or whatever...so show the scene in which he screws over his own social prospects. There's the basis behind your exposition. [I'm also guessing that, as there will be elves and adventure, the more mundane aspects of school/life/parents will be soon forgotten]

“I-I don’t know why.” Alex said. “It didn’t even feel like it was me getting up this morning it was like someone else took over my body.”

I'm writing this critique as I go. I think that this is some blatant forshadowing for something, though I don't know what yet. I think it would be more realistic if he said something like "I dunno. I just felt awake. Maybe I'm adventurous today.", and he shrugged.

With the scene in the rotting school, I think you should describe a little more about what it felt like to be in there. It's old, it's forbidden. In places like this, there is an air of something different - that time passes differently, that there's a sort of speed or suspension that you don't get in normal life. I also think that he should walk a little further into the school before finding the orb. It seems to convienient; we'd also get a little more about the old wing. Maybe he notices some other slightly strange things...that later will point to the reason why the old building was abandoned, but left intact.

The second chapter is interesting.

As for editing; I'd say to not worry about it until you were done with at least 5 chapters. DEFINATELY edit, but if you're in a good forward steam as far as getting your story down? go with that. Get down your beginning and part of your middle, and then you can revise that draft as you go forward with the meat of your story.

[Imrahil1234]

Awsome! My one suggestion is maybe putting a bit more about some of things he saw, heard etc while he was running, maybe a bit more about this unknown, mystical land.

[Oblivion]

i like the origional better, i like imagining things by myself, but heck im weird like that, the second chapter is really cool i like the way you narrarate the book, it reminds me of another writer, but i cant think of it right now

[runnerkgirl]

She had on a violet dress and shawl that matched the color of the lily’s in her long, brown, wavy hair that reached almost all the way to her waist. But the thing that most surprised Alex was that she had a small silver band encircling her head, with a teardrop pearl hanging down from it onto her forehead.
“Oh,” she sang in a almost distant, yet, beautiful voice. As she saw Alex standing there with his jaw dropped down as far as it could go. “Please don’t tell my father I’m hear,” she begged her voice changing now to a normal recognizably human tone. “I can pay you what I did my other guards. Just please don’t tell him!”
Alex finally managed to swallow and get a grip and said, “Uh, no of course not. I won’t tell him. Um, who’s your father again?”
The maiden looked surprised, “Your not from Vrealdrix are you.”
“N-no.”
“Well then are you from the Kingdom of Penn? If you are you must leave quickly, don’t worry your secrets safe with me. I can tell that you are no threat.”
Alex felt taken aback by this comment but didn’t say anything further about it. “Who are you?”
“I am Princess Aleona of the Kingdom of Vrealdrix, Daughter of King Balthasar. Who are you, young traveler who dresses so strangely?”
Adam looked at himself and noticed that even to anyone in his own world he would look strange dressed in his short knickers and ugly powder blue shirt and green tie. He hated the uniforms at St. Bernadettes from the minute he saw them.
“I, uh…I’m Alex Green of the United States of America. My father is, uh, Frank Green, King of Slumberland.”
Aleona looked at him bemused. “The United States…” she said testing the name out. “Is that across the Great Waters of Minony?”
Just as Alex was about to answer he herd someone calling.
“Aleonaaaaaaa! Aleonaaaaa! Ale- oh!” Said a man dressed in what looked like old fashioned hunting clothes to Alex. “Ah, you’re here!”
At first Alex though the man was talking to Aleona but then when he looked back at the man he saw he was staring at him as he said this.
“You know him, Gwilym?” Aleona said walking towards him.
“I don’t know him of course, but I sent for him. Well, at least, I sent the transporter to his world to find the one. I guess this is him.”
Aleona looked down at Alex and frowned. “Are you sure? He doesn’t look like a warrior to me.