It was interesting for sure, you've got talent if you work on it and if you realy want to become an author, writer, you will.
Watch your..oh whats it called....like, "past present and future"....aha! Tenses! For instance you switched from past tense to present tense a LOT of times, which was distracting. Keep what you are writing in mind when your typing it out.
i would critique more specifically but I'm exhousted right now..sorry..
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