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Oblivion 12-02-2005 06:46 PM

Is this good????????

The Eagle’s Dagger , the Weasel’s Fire, and the Bear’s War hammer, all of the same origin. The Koroku tribe, the Koroku tribe is a long lost tribe separated by hate. The Koroku tribe had a large stone marking the cave of their great leader, Kairu. Of the beginning of the generation of hate there was a war which separated the strong, wise and the curious of the tribe. With these differences made clear the tribe began to fight amongst themselves. The wise guided the strong to battle and the curious scouted. They won the war, but it created and out cry , each group within the tribe declared they had done the most work, when the next generation came (the generation of hate), the parents made the difference even more distinct, soon Kairu could take the tribes bickering no longer so he dragged his stone from his house and put it in the center of the Koroku Village and proclaimed with all of the Korokus watching, “See here my fellow Korokus, why must you bicker? Why must you separate your offspring and teach them to hate? I can take this no longer, you all must leaves this land and never come back.” All the Korokus went silent, not even a murmur, he began again, “Leave now, but first I shall make names of your new tribes and present to you a gift for each tribe, for you will need them in the time to come. Of the wise, the Eagles, of the strong the Bears, and of the curious the Weasels.” Laughter arose from the Bears and Eagles. The great Kairu shouted in anger “what shall I call you, shall I rename you to be the disrespectful cockroaches and the scavenging vultures, no! Respect them as they shall you.” His face was bright red with rage. He took a sledge hammer from beside him and slammed it against his giant stone. All became quiet, then from the dead silence came a series of chinks, and with a burst of light the stone broke into three pieces. Kairu called out three names, Brandon of the Bears, Endoah of the Eagles and Wasah of the Weasels. They were each the same age, 14 they stepped forward to Kairu shaking all over, “now” he said, “you are now the new leaders of your tribes” there was murmuring amongst the new tribes, “Lead your people to greatness, now each of you take a piece of the stone.” In their greed they rushed to the stone like animals, Brandon taking the largest stone, Endoah tried to get the second largest but was to weak to carry it, the Bears and Weasels laughed with glee, so Wasah trotted over to Endoah and took the stone from him, leaving him with the smallest piece. Kairu was disgusted at how the young leaders were acting, so he stood before the leaders and spat at them, everyone gasped. “Now leave you despicable creatures!” The three stood there in shock, but then Brandon picked up his piece of the stone and walked slowly to where his fellow Bears were. Endoah and Wasah followed his lead and joined their own tribes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Then from the bushes came a Bear. He rose up with pride and glee to mockingly say, “A little Eagle, a poor, poor Eagle,” and he began laughing menacingly. He walked forward to Andros till he was right in his face, “you are not welcome here Eagle. If you do not leave in thirty seconds, I will force you.” Andros smiled “Try me Bear.” The Bear paused, Andros did not know why, but then it popped into his head almost at the same time the Bear punched him in the face. Thirty seconds. He was thrown to the ground, knocking the wind out of him, even if he was prepared for the hit he’d still be laying there, because everyone knows Bears are abnormally strong but stupid. Unfortunately for the Bear, Andros can take hits. He lay there on the ground, thinking to himself “what the hell just happened!” the Bear walked towards Andros thinking he was knocked out and began to pick him up, but Andros was very much conscience. He bit the Bear on the wrist extremely hard using his sharp teeth to make it bleed. When a Bear is injured it either swings into extreme rage, the adults, or they start whining like little babies, the younger Bears, but it takes enormous strain to penetrate a Bear’s skin, but an Eagle knows the right points to strike, such as the wrist. The Bear swung Andros around as he clenched his teeth on the Bear’s wrist, he let go and was thrown to a tree in which he hit and slid down. Andros got up with blood dripping from his mouth, his blood and the Bear’s, the Bear was writhing in pain. He walked slowly to the Bear savoring his victory and smiling said, “Try me Bear” and started to walk away, the Bear looked up at Andros, mumbling “I was just trying to help you” “what are you talking about!” “the others were watching, they would have killed you had I not have fought” “yeah well you almost knocked me out” “I said thirty seconds” “so” “you should have left” “I couldn’t, I’m looking for someone” “what?” “A dumb ass brute” “who” “some guy called Brute or Brotus,” “Brutos?” “Yeah that’s it, you know him?” “Yes, why would an Eagle wish to speak with him?” “Not an Eagle, the Eagle Council, I’m just the grand wings.” “Oh, well why would they want to speak with me?” “You, you’re the brute! It can’t be, is that what Brandon looked like?” “Brandon? The greatest being to ever walk Esmora? Greater than Kairu himself?” “Uh sure whatever” “take me to the Eagles Council at once!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Weasel sat on the side of a road silently eating bread, listening for anything intriguing, but none came. As she hoisted herself up she saw something that caught her eyes, a shiny object protruding from the ground, being a Weasel she was curious and rushed to see what it was. As she neared the object she heard two voices, these were unfamiliar voices so she ducked down on the side of the road, blending in as growing closer, and closer. She looked out from her hiding spot see what the two voices were coming from, a deep voice coming from a Bear, and a semi-deep voice coming from an Eagle. She recognized them quickly, she knew their type, the despicable tribes, long had her people hated the Bears and Eagles. She had been sent to represent her people at the Eagles Council, they did not want to go, but they feared of what might happen if they did not attend. She snapped out of her trance and concentrated on the Bear and Eagle, she heard the Bear say “so why again do they want me to come?” “Because you’re like the chosen Bear or something” replied the Eagle bitterly. The Weasel drew her flame sticks ready to ignite them, “Is there a Weasel coming?” the Bear asked curiously, “yeah” the Eagle replied in disgust. She ignited the flame sticks quietly. “I still don’t get it, why is there a meaning?” “I don’t know, don’t ask me Bear” “so what’s the importance of the Weasel?” “Same as you, the great chosen Weasel,” the Eagle chuckled loudly. The Weasel had heard enough, she leaped from her hiding spot with her flame sticks flaming and yelled “You Demons Silence!” The Eagle jumped three feet in the air, while the Bear stood tall. “We shall not harm you Weasel” said the Bear his voice gentle. “Oh I’ll make sure you wont, you evil creatures” She grinned an evil grin, “Now here, here young Weasel we mean you no harm, we are headed to the Eagle’s council and surely they would know if we didn’t show up” said the Eagle his voice cracking. She put out her flame sticks and sheathed them in one quick motion. “I too must go before the Eagles Council” “so would that make you the Weasel?” “No I’m a Wolf” “What is that? I’ve never heard of that before.” “My name is Katrina.” The two stared at each other, obviously trying to remember the others name, Katrina just rolled her eyes laughing.

Is it good? I doubt it but oh well.

Oblivion 12-02-2005 06:48 PM

heres the rest since it wouldnt let me post it all in the first thingy

sorrry if i repeat something, i had to add more cuz it wouldnt let me post it all at once

Peter stood at the gates of Endoah. He was pacing back and forth, growing increasingly patient, waiting for his brother, Andros. Andros had been sent to get the chosen Bear, Brutos. But Bears, as dumb as they were, would probably not believe him. Scared senseless Peter rocket to the council to attempt the Council to send a search party, when actually Peter just wanted someone to tell him that everything was going to be okay. He saw the large coliseums looking building and propelled himself faster, thoughts and memories flushed through his skull of Andros. He slowed, trying not to allow tears come out, he wasn’t even paying attention when he ran straight into one of the enormous Eagles, Chris and Joey, guarding the Council doors, “Whoa there buddy, you aint going in yet, not till your brother comes back” Chris wore a large grin, Peter had to resist the temptation to poke him for his brother’s sake. “Please I have to worn the Council, Andros has been missing for over a week now!” “shush, keep your voice down. Now listen, Ngale is fairly far, we wouldn’t want to scare the-” Ding Dong, Dong Ding. The warning bells were sounding, someone was arriving at the gate, “He’s here,” Peter murmured under his breath. Peter rushed to the gate as quickly as he could, which isn’t very fast at all. The gate opened wide, revealing Andros, a Bear and a Weasel. The two brothers raced to greet each other, “Brother you’re alive!” “What did you think that the Bears would kill such a prize for their eyes.” The two stood laughing together, completely unaware of what was going on behind them, till a high pitched scream came whizzing to their ears. Peter saw Chris and Joey, the two enormous Eagles chaining the Bear to a cart and beating the Weasel. Andros lunged at Joey, “don’t they are honorable guests!” “honorable my ass”. He threw Andros to the ground laughing “you are far to weak for me,” Andros turned to Peter, “Go get the Council!” Peter did not budge, then a whip slashed against the Bear’s back, but the Bears have tough skins so he did not yelp or even scream, “Go get the Council now damn it” Peter did not need another second, he ran to the Council screaming, “they are attacking the Bear and the Weasel!” over and over till he pushed open wide the doors of the Council, “They are attacking the Bear and Weasel, my Council please stop them” he was gasping for air. The Council gasped, all of them old so it seemed as if they were going to have a heart attack right then and there. A short Eagle came to Peter demanding in a quiet voice, “who?” “follow me and I shall show you, please my Council we must hurry” Peter led around three of the Council to the scene, as all the others were to old. “my children set free the guests, we are of peace now, not hate.” Chris and Joey immediately stopped harming the Bear, Weasel and even Andros, and bowed saying, “forgive us our mighty council.” The words suck up, sap, brown noser all popped into Peter’s head after hearing that. Peter untied the Bear, “are you okay?” The Bear looked as if he was going to punch Peter, “what the hell do you think.” Andros helped the Weasel, which was obviously easy because she was the size of a small Eagle child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old Eagle perched herself upon her seat, patiently waiting for the chosen Bear and Weasel. She and the other Eagles had chosen an Eagle, and had foolishly sent him to retrieve the chosen Bear, luckily he had returned. “Councilman Sara, the chosen ones are coming!” spoke a very young Eagle. “Well then, let us get the others ready,” replied Sara in a gentle, calm voice. Council members flooded into the Eagle’s Council, (which highly resembled coliseums). Sara talked with fellow councilmen and such, but her mind was elsewhere, the Bear and the Weasel. No Bears or Weasels had entered Endoah in over a century, unless they were dead. All of the council members perched themselves upon their seats and waited, waited for the Bear and Weasel to come. Then as everyone had anticipated the doors opened wide, revealing the chosen Bear, Weasel, Eagle, and the chosen Eagle’s brother, or so she thought. Sara knew the chosen Eagle well, for it was she who had recognized his resemblance to Endoah, and it was she that suggested him to the council. A middle aged Eagle greeted the chosen ones with much enthusiasm, “Welcome Brutos of the Bears, Katrina of the Weasels, and Andros and Peter of the Eagles, welcome to the Eagles Council!” he shouted so all the council could hear. The four began walking to the center of the coliseum, the Bear and two Eagles beaming with pride, and the Weasel moving with curiosity. Then as they reached the center the chosen Eagle’s brother herded them to a square in the center of the coliseum. When the Weasel had finally gotten on the square the brother waved anonymously, and the very ground they stood on moved around 20 feet in the air. The Eagles stood tall and proud, along with the Bear, but the Weasel was preparing to jump off, the chosen Eagle reached for the Weasel and pulled her towards him, keeping her from fidgeting, or at least he attempted to anyway. The block stopped suddenly, almost knocking the chosen ones off, “Oh mighty Endoah” a angry face went across the Bear’s face “We bring to you mirrors of you, Brandon the evil one, and Wasah the insulter.” The Weasel stopped squirming and listened attentively, “you called for them and so they have responded.” A voice said clear as day. “Let me see them!” boomed a voice deeper and fiercer than the other. The block rose another 20 feet and stopped abruptly, once again almost knocking off the chosen ones. The booming voice came again, “Brandon, Wasah, and…me” By this time the chosen ones, even the brother were frightened, it came again, “Brandon you evil creature! Wasah you despicable beast.” The Bear and Weasel grew hot in anger, “you two drove me to the deserts, betrayed me, and killed my people, my people suffered, but now yours shall die in a great war,” the Bear was furius and could no longer take this insult to his culture, “How dare you speak of the great Brandon like that you bastard!” all the Eagles gasped, “you are the evil creature, you and your people treated us like slaves, you lived in comfort as we died in battle. You are the evil creature!” the Bears face was red with anger, the Weasel picked up before the Bear could say more, “Wasah was the greatest leader, our people scouted for the Bears so that less would die, and so that the Eagles could plan attacks, we lost many, but what thanks do we get? NONE! None at all, but we were content, we even farmed while the Bear’s hunted, then you Eagles had to ruin it by complaining, saying you did the most work. The Bears and Weasels did the most work! You Eagles are nothing but scavengers, you should have been called the vultures. “Eagles” a new calmer, gentler voice said, “are not scavengers, nor did they begin the complaining, it was a wolf tribe member.” The Bear looked shocked, “so there is another tribe” “of course the wolf tribe is mainly exiled Eagles and Bears, then some Weasels that left on their own, so sad that they chose that route when they could have stayed with me.” Katrina’s mouth dropped, “are you…no its impossible…is it?” “yes Katrina I am Wasah, the mother of all Weasels” the Weasel bent on her knees singing in praise, “mother oh mother where you been, our people are awaiting.” “stand up child” A ghostly figure appeared from the shadows, looking identical to the Weasel on the block. From where Sara was seated came a large ghost figure, identical to the Bear on the block. Then from the center, draped in Eagles feathers came a ghost of the chosen Eagle on the block, “these must be the three leaders” she thought to herself. “Brandon, get the chest.” Said the ghost of Endoah, the ghost of Brandon did nothing, “Brandon, get the chest!” yelled Endoah, “there is no war so quit ordering me around.” Wasah looked at the two, acting annoyed she said, “get them already, these children need them. And with that the ghosts disappeared in a flash of green light.

Is it good? I doubt it but oh well.

Unwilling 12-02-2005 08:13 PM

I'm not sure. I would have read it if it was in paragraphs. I would spend more then enough time re-reading the same lines, not realizing that until I had reach the middle of a line. If you don't get any responses, I would seriously suggest that you use paragraphs to help readers out. I haven't read a book that had long paragraphs that haven't irked me.

This forum does only have an edit button exist for a few minutes, but perhaps you can ask a moderator to edit your posts. If not, think about that for the next time that you post something.

Oblivion 12-02-2005 10:17 PM

sorry, its just that i rarely put paragraphs, i just keep writing, i'll attempt to use paragraphs and edit the writing

Isis 12-03-2005 10:06 AM

You have to use paragraphs. You just do. It's easy. Hit the return button twice -- there you have a paragraph, and if you can type then you can include them. If you write in a block of text because it makes sense to you that way, then for gods sakes paragraph it before you give it to anyone else to read!

I even printed this to try to read it. I didn't get very far. I can't tell who is talking in your conversations. You can't just cram all your dialouge together. Start a new line every time a new person speaks. If it looks empty like that , well....there's you clue that it is empty. you can add information in between the words. What is your character thinking? What does he notice? Is he interested in what the other person is saying or does he want to run away?

Also, that first part of the "present day" story started off confusingly. It was like you had a few paragraphs before that about the Eagle kid in the woods, but you deleted them and now we have no clue what the heck is going on. Saying, "Then a Bear..." implies that something happened before the "then".

And don't switch tenses. I see it all over the place. PAST TENSE. Stay in PAST TENSE.

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