His hand
reaches out
to me
this, surely
was meant
to be.
Warm and
moist, this
is his
hand, mine
is cold
and clammy,
scared and
nervous. Shaking
He reaches
out and
calls my
name, this
isn't a
kid kind
of game
slowly surely
his hand
wraps 'round
mine, this
could be
till the
end of
time!

Beyond thy violent wound I see,
The blood from which pours out of me.
The hatred blurs from which they came,
Never to be erased.

So lonely do I stand,
No one to lend a hand.
So I place my hand upon thy wound,
And tell it so it is not hurt,
With foolish desire to watch it heal.

So loud do they scauf at me,
So I close my eyes to see.
The place in which these memories,
Become lost in the pit of my misery.
But when this place shall pass away,
More loud do their weapons aim,
Toward the heart in which they came.

So lonely do I stand,
No weapon in my hand.
But love shall be thy sword,
And thy sword, thy heart so coldly torn.

risk my feelings for a secret
throw out my consciousness
for a place on the wall
a place among the others
and still dig deeper.
still go lower,
I'll never be like you,
surrounded by the judges.
you call yourself acheivers
you call yourself believers,
and you'll call yourself God.
my heart has run dry
from the many punctures of lies
but you'll still risk my feelings for a secret
care less about a rainy day
my consciousness never existed
and neither did I
as far as you or I or the judges could tell
you'll get your place on the wall
but not before killing me.

You looked into my eyes, just once.
I've never forgotten those eyes.
You told me you love me, just once.
I felt my exitement rise.
Your hand was in mine, just once.
I felt your warmth and how you cared.
You broke my heart, just once.
I was so alone and scared.

Now once again you look;
Deep into my eyes.
Now once again you reach,
For the hand to which you lied.

And again I long to do
All the things you ask.
Again I want to give my love.
But it's not a simple task.

Just once you took my heart,
And threw it on the floor.
Just once is all it took,
For me to beg "no more."

There are ways to find a man stuck behind his mind.
You could feed the man with thoughts,
Thoughts of fulfillment, joy, gladness.
Once the man is free, he will learn
Not everything is as it seems.
Time fades for the man who hides in his mind.
Believe in the horrors of man or perish by his hand.
The haunting of completely irrevocable sacrifice,
Will forever be daunting in his mind of absolute ignorance.
But the ignorance will eventually fade.
The man does not change,
What he perceives as the world changes,
As he enters the night he will find the demons
The ones who drift among the bigots.
The little tools of failure he uses to become himself,
Will eventually ingest his entire mind.
The child has been freed from his mind,
Now, let him go freely into his own adulterate beginning.
The cynics will devour the man of hatred,
Claiming him as one of his own.
But can a cynic truly be with his own?
A true cynic will stand alone, like the man.
He sees everything and speaks about everything,
But he will not be heard or noticed.
The sun will fall, with the darkness of incomplete tolerance.
Soon, even the cynics will brand him as a fraud.
He will live forever in the minds of the broken,
The ones who see the incredulous motion of eternal bliss.
He will return to his mental stupor after his final curtain,
Only to be forgotten.
They will chuckle and chortle at the man after his chronic demise.
The stars will appear brighter in his mind, in his mind the world is his.
There are no boundaries, there is no fear,
All he has is himself.
His eyes are never seen,
He reveals what he is,
Instead of what he is told to be.
The repetition has changed, in his mind darkness consumes light,
And where there is hatred he does not sow love.

"Oppose those who oppose me, Lord, and fight those who fight against me!
Take your shield and armor and come to save me.
Lift up your spear and your axe against those who pursue me.
Promise that you will save me." - Psalm 35:1-3

Do you not believe in the Son of Man, or God even?
Better yet, do They believe in you?

Oh Adrian,
I've been hiding
In your
(purple)
shadows,
You've taken me
(hostage)
with those
Pale green eyes,
That stare
so intensely,
it makes me shiver,
(and squirm)

Cock that grin,
(again)
master manipulator,
taking control
(again,)
I think I'm falling in love,
with,
Adrian,
(again)

Smooth chilled voice
(flows)
Your unconnected
style,
Matches
(clashes)
with that tosseled brown
hair,
I admire you
(does it show?)

Time has frozen
The water still rushes down the stream
The sun and moon still swap positions
The birds still hum
And everyone continues thier everyday life
but for me...
time has frozen
because not one thing I do seems to matter
Except when you're here
I can't feel anything I touch
Except your hand
Except your body
Things don't bother me like they used to
Everything that people say goes on by
Until they speak your name
I enjoy life now
Because it is frozen
So every moment I share with you
Will remain forever
If only in my mind
If only in my heart!

Im having trouble sleeping
I feel like I am going to crash and burn
Im having trouble weeping
Maybe this is something I need to learn

The world is spinning downwards
My eyes are blurring up; the light is dark
I just cant still walk forwards
My lips cant form the words to remark

I reach my hands up high now
Grasping for the love I know is lost
My heart is pouring nothing
Out into the sea of those whove forgot

And my chest aches of heartbreak
My eyes come forth to bear their sacred blood
Why must my feelings forsake?
The window opens and out comes the flood

Chorus
Im crying for the first time in years
My skin is being scorched by my tears
I cant find what doesnt exist
But my heart leads me to persist

I need to find perfection
But perfection just doesnt seem to be near
Internal resurrection
Of what might seem so far, existing hear

The end is drawing close now
Im about to reach the confrontation
Ive found all thats here to find
My sublimed heart leads to sublimation

Chorus
Im crying for the first time in years
My skin is being scorched by my tears
I cant find what doesnt exist
But my heart leads me to persist

She tip-toed over the glass, because he said to.
But once as he turned his head she walked on it. Only to find out it was
plastic.

Far of in the universe,
A tear falls.
I feel it.
I see it.
I hear it.
The sadness of one far away reflects within me.
I dream of their life.
I feel their pain.
Yet I feel their joy as well.
I feel joy I cannot comprehend.
Wisdom I cannot truly have learned.
All this I can see,
All this is merely empathy for another soul
Somewhere else in the vastness of space-
And they say we are alone.

There is a person in the corner,
>There is a person in the darkness.
>He has been locked in this dungeon,
>So dark that his eyes have become blind.
>He is dieing to get out,
>To leave this prison in his mind.
>Chained to the floor,
>And left to die this way.
>He knows that only he can unlock the door,
>But he does't know how.
>He knows that only he can break the chain,
>But he thinks he is to weak.
>So he sits on the granite floor,
>With his back to the wall.
>He bows his head.
>All he can do is cry and pray to be forgiven.
>The tears taste bitter on his lips.
>They are not normal tears.
>These tears burn his eyes,
>These tears stain the floor.
>These tears,
>Are tears of blood.
>That person in the corner,
>That person in the darkness.
>Is me...

            Move Ahead Or Stay Behind
   Fate blows my life away from me like a
              whistling wind.
   Desperatly trying to catch up somewhere in it
           all I loose myself.
   Though I seek and seek I do not find for I
         know not where to look.
   Through the darkness I wander not knowing
        which way I head or am headed.
   Struggling for my independence I find myself
      hurting as I rip away from my childhood.
   Wondering which step to make, which path to
         take,  whether to even move at all.
   Do I risk others for my independence or do I
      remain trapped, forever to stay a child?

On my bed thoughts
    rush
to me and
    devour
my mind.
     I .......no longer capable of a single
thought,
     feeling,
emotion.
      They have mixed and
engulfed
       my reality.
Strangley even my room and hands seem
       to have changed into similar
yet different figures..........
       perhaps illusions
or dillusions,
       I could never answer that question
because my sight is disfigured
       by the crashing waves
of thoughts
       surfacing in my mind.
Music becomes my mood
        and i am lost
to the lyrics
        that never seem to make sense
but tonight have all the
       meaning i need.
And i float
       away to the stars
closer to God
        but farther than ever.
My destiny
        a mess,
My soul
        unfulfilled,
My heart
         alone.
Morning will come and so will myself
         although who that is i will
never know for i am
         different with
each night
          and every morning.

I cried a million tears one night
For the pain I felt inside
A pain I could no longer conceal
A pain that would not hide
I cried a million tears one night
For the heart in me that breaks
A heart I know you don't deserve
Yet I give to you to take
I cried a million tears one night
For the time I spent with you
The time that we were happy
The time that you were true
I cried a million tears one night
For the feelings inside of me
The feelings that I wish you could find;
Just open your eyes and see
I cried a million tears one night
For the memories that we shared
For the memories of a time now lost
A time I thought you cared
I cried a million tears one night
And wished that you could hear
The pain that I'm constantly put through
When I find that you're not near
I cried a million tears last night
Tears oh so painfully true
I cried a million tears last night
And I cried them all for you.

Chipped blue fingernails,
Innocent brooding eyes,
She wants to be an
Actress,
So she strives,

Pulsing words,
cut through thick air,
Her pride is devoured by
anxiety,
Another stage
Another script,
Anything to keep her away,
from reality,

Triumph takes the edge
off
of bitter memories,
The audience swore
Those were real tears,
Maybe they were,

Acting is living,
Writing is breathing,
Loving is lacking,
Wishing life was just
Another stage,
Another production,

She just wants to be,
a Star.

A simple gesture.
He turned back towards her.
And his eyes caught hers and
she smiled.  The wind blew her
hair, whipping it wildly in all directions.
She pulled her coat closer around
>her to block out the cold.
His mouth turned gently up,
the red of his lips.  His eyes
creased slightly with the smile.
Her hand moved slowly to push
the hair out of her eyes.  Eyes
the color of the sky, deep and
fascinating.  The smooth curves
of her body, hidden beneath her
skirt.  He raised his hand to his lips,
hands colored a deep tan with strong
loving fingers.
He kissed his fingertips and let the kiss
loose in the
wind.
She stroked her cheek, and smiled warmly.
A simple gesture.
He turned back around and
disappeared into the crowd.
She closed her eyes for a moment, her lashes
catching the first new snowflakes,
and walked away.

For every life,
there is an end,
started by a strife,
by taking the wrong bend.

I fear some day,
I will take that turn,
go the wrong way,
forgetting the lesson I should've learned.

I don't know how,
I don't know where,
but I'm sure I will allow,
death to come without much care.

Sometimes I feel,
if I would just die,
ran over by a car wheel,
no one would ever cry.

I fear I'm lost,
my soul is gone,
I've paid the cost,
my debt to society is done.

For they've taken my wings,
I can no longer fly,
my hopes and my dreams,
all that's left is to die.

Die to find true passion,
die for there is no hope,
in this dark world of no compassion,
making it impossible to cope.

They look, admiring the pretty picture that is your life.
     Didn't anyone tell them it's paint-by-number?

Life's a circus and your the
freak show,
      but the audience paid to see the clowns.

Perfect girl from the perfect home perfect face with the perfect friends
perfect hair with the perfect clothes...
      to bad straight jackets don't come with matching purses.

Unbroken solitude,
gently wafting through my
troubled mind,
Slow motion dreams
flood back,
as paper tears
burn in shut eyes,
I can't seem to forget
how I felt
content,
not being so,
alone.

As i sit here and begin to write
i see the signs of early night
clouds caress the earth so bold
a sad hatred begins to unfold

A river runs by, so sweet the flow
i walk up near it, nice and slow
quiet now, night is here
shadows loom, endure the fear

The moon hovers white in the fog-filled sky
as i turn around i hear a soft cry
A silent child sits near me
his eyes large, deep and empty

his beautiful, luminous eyes held all
i looked deep inside and felt myself fall
i see my future and past go by
and realize my life was just a lie

the child pulls me in his tears
shows me the world, and all its drears
closed me down, and took my life
he took my pain and all its strife

bringing me to what i lived a life for
erased my past whish made my heart sore
the time is now, my life is gone
God is calling from tommarows dawn

Its time to join him in solitude
a place for love and a happy mood
Goodbye earth, sun and moon
Ill see you all again someday soon.

19th December 1983.
It was night and cold.
We were in the hospital.
Waiting for a new born baby.

Suddenly the doctor came from the operating room.
And told us that he'd failed to save the baby.
That she was too young to be born.
But she was too innocent to deserve death.

My own sister who never felt the world.
My own sister that I always wanted.
My own sister who is always in my heart.
And my own sister who is always in my dreams.

She left before she met me.
She left without any feeling.
And she left without any sins.
But she died sadly.

I hear you whisper something to me.
I hear you cheering me when I am sad.
I know you are alive.
You just don't want to show yourself.

I ask you when we will meet.
I ask you when we will be together.
But you never tell me about this.
And I don't care about it, I'll keep dreaming just the same.

We all have people that touch us in this way that no one else ever could.
My person died tonight.  Jason was born with HIV; his mother gave it to him.
He was so strong and full of hope I thought God wouldnt take his life, but
God did.  Now I am all alone.
I met Jason in high school; we had some classes together.  He was a your
average teen boy, or so I thought.  He liked sports, liked girls, everything
a teenage boy is supposed to like.  I never knew he had AIDS.  We became
friends quickly; he was such a likeable, outgoing person.  Our friendship
grew over weeks and months and we became really close.  Jason was my best
friend.  One night we were watching a TV movie and the guy had AIDS and had
to tell his girlfriend. It was a sad movie.  I could not imagine what that
would be like. Jason looked at me and said, Haylee, I want to tell you
something.  I have AIDS.  I sat there in shock, not wanting to believe it.
I sat there thinking not him, not him.  I didn't know anyone with AIDS, and
my best friend just told me he has it.  I wanted to believe it was a joke,
although I knew it was not.  It must have been incredibly hard for him to
tell me that.  I was never afraid of him; I knew how you could and couldnt
get it.  Jason and I talked for hours after that.  I had questions that I
did not want to ask, and he knew it.  Therefore, he told me that he got it
from his mother when he was a baby.  She had the virus and didn't know it
and passed it on to him.  He never resented her for it, and decided that,
that was what God had planned for him.  I guess that made it easier for him
to accept.  He told me that he had come to terms with it, and it did not
bother him much anymore.  He was a true fighter.  He did have problems
though, when he got sick, or when people found out.  Not everyone wanted to
accept it.  Many ignorant people would shun him and cast him away.  He said
that he hated it when people were narrow-minded.  I'm glad that I was taught
about the disease and had no reservations about him.  I'm sure Jason was
too.
Jason and I only grew closer after that. One day I started to look at Jason
differently; I looked at him more than just a friend.  I had a crush on
Jason.  He was a great guy, and so full of life that at times I forgot he
has a terminal illness.  Despite the fact that Jason could die before a cure
was found, I liked him.    Little did I know Jason was feeling the same way.
We were taking a walk around the lake one spring day and I remember him
looking at me and smiling.  I said, What?  And Jason just hugged me and
gave me a kiss. I was so surprised and happy. My stomach has butterflies and
my heart beating so hard I thought Jason might hear it. I told him I had
been waiting a long time for him to do that.  And he said, Me too. Jason
asked me out that day, on the lake.  It was one of my favorite memories of
him.
Jason and I going out concerned many people.  My parents were scared I would
sleep with him and contract the virus.  My parents and friends were scared
he was going to die, and I wouldnt know what to do with myself. I know that
they only wanted to keep me from pain, but pain is inevitable in any
relationship I told them.  I also told them that we are all dying.  I know
they were not happy about me going out with Jason, but a part of them loved
Jason just as much as I did.
I remember the night Jason had to go to the hospital.  Out of no where he
had taken a turn for the worse.  It was around Christmas time. Jason, I, and
all of our friends had a huge snow fight. He caught the flu from being out
in the cold, or maybe he caught it from someone is school.  Either way Jason
ended up getting sick. I came home one afternoon from Christmas shopping
with my friends when my Mom told me Jason was in the hospital.  I told her I
wanted to see him right away.
I walked into his hospital room to see him sleeping.  It scared me.  It then
hit me Jason had AIDS; Jason could die; Jason was not invincible.  Im glad
he was asleep, so he couldnt see my tears.  I gave him a kiss on the head
and left.
Jason stayed in the hospital for a couple weeks.  He had to spend Christmas
Eve in the hospital.  I went to visit him and we had dinner in his hospital
room. I was trying to make it the best for him I could.  But there's not
much you can do in a hospital room.  We were watching some Christmas movie
on TV when Jason said there was something he wanted to tell me.  I looked
and him and waited for what was coming.  I was positive it was going to be
bad news.  Haylee, things dont look good. The doctor said my T-cell count
has dropped dramatically. I might not make it through this.  I want you to
know something.  I love you.  I started crying.  I could not help it. I
told him he was wrong that he was too strong, too nice, too loving to die.
All we had to do was pray and believe that he would make it through this and
he would.   He tried to hold me, but he was too weak.  I was crying because
of how much pain he was in, how he looked, he looked so sick, because he was
giving up, because I knew my first love was dying.  I kept a good outlook on
things the year and half we were going out, but on Christmas Eve everything
fell apart.  The nurse came in and told me I had to go, visiting hours were
over.  I told Jason I would be there first thing in the morning to exchange
gifts.
I woke up Christmas morning really upset.  It is bad enough by the time you
are 16 Christmas has lost some of its magic, but it was even worse when you
were told last night that youre boyfriend was going to die.  I got up and
took a shower.  I couldn't eat; I hadn't been able to for days.   I went to
the hospital see my sweetheart.  Who would of known it would be the last
time.  I put on a smile before I walked into his room; he hated seeing me
upset.  When I walked in he was smiling and telling me how glad he was to
see me.  I sat down next to him on the bed holding in the tears.  I gave him
his present; a gold chain we saw once in a store.  Aww thanks Haylee, you
remembered how bad I wanted this.  Then he gave me my present.  He gave me
a huge teddy bear with a necklace around its neck.  On the chain was a
guardian angel.    Jason took the necklace off and put it on me.  I looked
at the angel, knowing that this was his way of telling me he would be my
guardian angel.  I started crying I couldnt help it anymore.   That is when
I heard him breathing more slowly and quietly.  Jason was dying.  I took of
my cross that I had been given at my conformation and put it around Jasons
hands and told him I wanted him to have it.  I love you Haylee, be strong,
well meet again some day. I will always be watching over you. I'm your
guardian angel.  I was sobbing.  Not wanting to hear him. How could he
leave me?  It wasn't fair!  Why did God take him? He was too young to die!
I love you Jason.  Then I kissed him.  Bye, Haylee, Jason said.  And
before I had the chance to respond he was gone.  I sat there holding him in
my arms crying and that stupid machine with its endless beep.  His Mom heard
me crying and came in.  She sat there holding me and Jason crying.
I am not sure when or how I got home.  I just remember waking up and my
little sister telling me to come out to the tree to open presents.  I pulled
myself together and went out there.  And we opened gifts as a family.  That
was a couple hours ago.  Im sitting here awake and writing because I cant
fall asleep. Its kind of funny no one knows what to say to me or what to
do.  They just say sorry and tell me everything is going to be okay. But
it's not okay, and it's not going to be for a long time.  My phone has been
ringing all day, but I dont want to take anymore calls.  I just want to lay
here.  I am going to put my pen and paper away now.  But before I do I want
to say good-bye to Jason.  My nana always told me I could talk to someone in
heaven if I talked to the stars.  So, I look out at the stars and tell Jason
I love him and good night.

     On someday, on a random field, a battle had occurred. The day was a
cloudless day, yet it seemed so full of haze.  One could not tell if the day
were early dawn or late afternoon, for the sun was only half over the
horizon.  The sky was a crimson red for no apparent reason.  It was as
though some great deity had cleaved a wound into the bluish flesh of the
heavens.  As for the haze, it was because of shells exploding in the air.
On chaotic plains below, an enormous flatland exposed foxholes and wiry
fencing.  No greenery had dared to show foliage in this rampage of
humankind.  The soil was inadvertently upturned by bullets and bombs. In
some areas it was unnaturally black from the searing heat of civilizations
fire and might.
     Major Havock, exploded out of a foxhole.  A mysterious grin covered the
lower part of his face. Havocks grin was famous, because his teeth appear
so maniacally clenched together that it appears that they were inseparable.
Through his teeth, he gave a menacing laugh.  Major Havock was an abnormally
tall soldier with a standard crew cut haircut, in which his hair was
probably immovable.  His dress consisted of shining black boots, tightly
laced, fatigue pants, a helmet, and a full metal jacket.  He was armed with
several grenades, two assault rifles, and a pistol.  Although the pistol had
eight significant rounds, Major Havock saw no use for it. He tossed it
aside. He opened his ensnaring jaws, licked his lips, and grinned again. He
drew the two weapons from his broad shoulders, and continued the madness.
     Here he is, our "hero," with two blazing guns.   Each searing bullet
ripped through another mans flesh   Shoulder, leg, stomach, chest or even
head, it mattered not, for the bullets had no conscience, and neither did
Major Havock. Amid the bedlam of whirring bullets, it was a wonder Havock
was never struck.  With each bullet that curved just past his head, he felt
more and more like God. He imagined himself out of body and seeing himself
from a birds eye. He saw himself as master of all and taming all that was
his. With his two guns drawn, the ammo seemed infinite.  A fire expelled
with each blast from each barrel,  like a cascading stream. Each bullet
seemed like a link of a chain. It was as though he held torches.  The prize
was near.  What prize was there for our hero? What was he even fighting for?
What good was he doing? What nation did he fight for? What king or queen did
he bend his knee for?
     Suddenly, he became a figurine holding only matches. Every one of his
bullets was for nothing.  His was a gratuitous blaze of glory.   His grin
disappeared, and all of a sudden a --click--. His frenzied torches had
extinguished.
     Havock became frantic and reached for his grenades.  His hands began to
shake and sweat. The bitter fluid flowed into his red eyes. His breath came
in rapid gasps. When his rough hands had finally perceived the grenades,
they were useless. He could not find it in his power to control the shaking
of his hands nor pull the pins the pins.
     He discarded his useless weapons and began to run.  It didnt matter
anymore. He just ran.  He saw the fury in its reality.  Each time a bullet
passed him, he his doom was certain.  He ran farther and farther until he
saw a foxhole.
     He wasted no time, and gave a dive.  In this prayerful leap, he saw a
savior; he felt Providence.  He landed with a breathless thud.  Frantically,
he squirmed his back to a wall of dirt.  To his uttermost dismay, he saw an
enemy soldier.   Major Havock reached for his holster;  it was empty!
Overcome by hopelessness, he stood up; his arms raised in failure. The enemy
nonchalantly drew his pistol, and fired twice into the heart of our "hero."
     Havock staggered back against the dirt wall of the foxhole, which he
once thought would offer comfort.  He was not dead. Like an animal, he beat
his chest to alleviate the pain of forming bruises.  He ripped open that
armor that had saved him, and breathed the most beautiful breath he had ever
taken. Now lying on the floor, still gasping for air, he could hear
footsteps.   Paralyzed, he felt that doom had arrived.  The enemy soldier
stood over Major Havock and held his shoulder with the opposing arm, for a
bullet of our hero had found its way into his flesh.  The soldier held his
pistol to our heros head.  After that, there was just light.
     "Douglas, time for dinner. Leave those soldiers alone, and come
inside!" a woman yelled from a partly open screen door. "Bryan, get you
brother to come in now. Its getting late."
     "Yah, mom!"
     Bryan glided down a few steps and walked into the dirt driveway. He
stood over Douglas and shadowed his toy soldiers.  Bryan cocked his head,
and observed him astutely.  Suddenly, he punched Douglas in the shoulder.
Douglas began to cry. While nursing his shoulder, he ran off screaming,
"Mom!"
     Bryan observed the scene abandoned by his brother.  Two soldiers lay
within a shallow pit in the dirt. One was lying on the floor, cringing with
fear, and the other was pointing a gun at the other.  He shook his head in
disapproval and sighed, "What a baby." He turned away, and began to walk. He
shoved his hands into his jeans, and gave a menacing grin to the world for
no apparent reason.

        I watched out the toe printed window, as the clouds slowly drifted
past me, waving, waving goodbye. I rode in the backseat of a green mini van.
We rented it, and it smelled new. I always loved how the scent sunk into my
skin, so I could pretend, to be new, too, if only for a day.
         Five pillows propped underneath my head and one in my arms, I
couldn't quite get, comfortable, though with all the comfort.
        Three hours of un-touched fields and spring green trees passed by
me. I listened to the two Grandmas in the middle seat, talking about how
beatiful the trees were. I tried to see the beauty, and wondered what they
saw, that I didn't.
        The road sang it's own lullaby, rocking me into a half consious
state. I felt the frosty cold of glass against my feet. I wondered if my
blue toe nails matched the sky.
        It was just another one of those trips, my family loves to take.
Just to see cousins in other places or to relax beside a secluded lake. I
hear my mom put in a tape, as I reach for my CD player, knowing John Denver
seeping through the van's speakers won't calm my mind.
        Time to slip into another musical hour with Silver Chair.
        Concentrating on the proud assembly of clouds, I smile. They rush
by, as we rush by. I can see them, waving, waving goodbye, and I close my
eyes.
        Just another one of those road trips.