Emily

[LeAnn]

Emily

Emily ran as fast as her tiny legs could carry her from the mad man chasing her. She had snuck out only minutes before to meet her boyfriend, Jonathon, in the woods that parted thier homes when she encountered the man who began chasing her. She tripped over a root standing out of the ground. He bruttaly attacked her, pulled out his knife, and began raping her. Emily screamed as the man violently took away her precious innocence. he held the knife below her ear and began cutting a shallow grave to her throat. "If you scream again, I WILL kill you." He said in a voice of the deepest rage. He continued hitting and raping her as she squirmed and held in the screams from the pain of him hitting and raping her. He finaly resided after what seemed to be hours of pain to Emily and ran back through the woods. Emily, horrified, hobbled through the woods. Jonathon ran up to her and saw the blood running down her face and neck. "Oh my god, what happened to you? I heard you screaming and came running as fast as i could." "I...I...was...raped." Emily said.

This isnt all of the story, but ill post the rest of it some other time. Its piece of a novel that im writing so its pretty long.

If i knew this would be the last time you walked out that door, id say i loved you a thousand times more.

Bruce and Daniel, I love you both! Happy Birthday!

[Isis]

You need to go into detail about what happened. "He began raping her" just doesn't have the trauma that the actual event holds, or the imediacy. What does she notice? Does anything distract her from the pain? What thoughts run through her head?

Also, I think more description of the man, of the woods, of Emily would be really good. The woods at night - can be creepy. Maybe she had the feeling, walking along, that there was something lurking in the darkness, and she started to walk faster, her heartbeat accelerating, paranoia clutching at her shoulders...then she runs, makes noise as a branch hits her, the man jumps out, she runs as fast as she can possibly go in a panic, stumbling over roots and rocks and whipping around trees till she finally falls. And then all that action would be sprawled out over a few pages: you'd get information about Emily, what she's like, how she deals with fear and suffering.

maybe you start out with her sneaking out, feeling triumphant, and secure in the glow from streetlights. We hear about her life, her boyfriend, her petty insecurities. Then doubt creeps in when she enters the woods.

Are you comfortable with the subject or did you just think it would make a good story? If not...well, write what you know, or you can clearly see in your head. And don't take offense towards my comments - I just want to see your work improve ^^;;

[LeAnn]

Thank you for your help. I have written about seventy pages of the story. Later on in the story it explains what she was thinking, how she reacted, what the man looked like and so forth. Would it make a better story if i put in what he looks like and how she feels and reacted now? I have alot more than just that also.

I didnt go into details because i dont know if they allow what i have written. I dont want to get into trouble for going into the details of rape.

No, i have never been "Comfortable" with rape, i wrote the story as a sort of message to young girls who get raped because it happens to the best of us. Its more about how to deal with rape than what goes on during rape. Thank you for your help, though.


~LeAnn

[Isis]

You should definately put all that there now. It makes the story believable, and people can get into it. Then she can tell the shortened and panicked story when she has to relay it someone else...if she does tell the story. I don't know what these boards will allow...you could PM Matt and ask, or just put a warning before the writing. I'm not sure.

No one's really comforable with stuff like that, but some people have a better flair for the bad side of people then others. But 70 pages...man, I'm impressed.

[LeAnn]

I only have 70 pages right now, its not even closed to completely finnished and this is just a rough draft, i havent even gone back to fix stuff yet. But i think that it will make a pretty good stroy once im through.

Thanks for the tips! Really Appreciated!

[Vennila X Vana]

I think you need to break out of cliches. Say what really happened not what you 've already read. If you want people to remember this you have to give us something fresh and new. If that's the beginning of your novel, it's not pulling me in. You're not leaving me wanting more. She was raped, it's a really bad situation, but it happens to a lot of girls and it's a very delicate subject, do it justice.