what do you think?

[RaMiE]

please tell me what you think.

The lipstick, jewelry, cage her –
False yet desperate –
Dancing across the empty room
A stage of distortion.
The candles become dimmer…
He sits in the corner,
in that chair he loved so much
Coat in hand, shaking his head.
Her dress is torn, matted hair sticks to her bloody face
an incomplete smile is born out of nervousness
but dies away quickly…
She stands across from him
in desperation of reassurance
an orchestra is making beautiful music downstairs
but this scene is not beautiful anymore
her heart is screaming
as he stands and moves towards the door
now her mouth is screaming,
she begs for him to turn around
her terror stricken eyes… tears –
streaming down her face, a mangled wreck –
lined with bleakness and despair
most of the candles have burnt out
they both come to the door, as he reaches out for the handle
he looks down at her face… in the very last of the light,
her soul is exposed for him to see
his expression suddenly turns form anger –
to understanding…
She falls into his arms in exhaustion
he slumps down onto the cold hard ground and holds her.
The darkness now binds them both
But what they have within each other –
Will never come undone…

[RaMiE]

is there a reason no one is replying?

[Unwilling]

okay, you have a little something going on here. I just didn't know how I would tell you this, and i've been kind of lazy to organize my time. It's not easy to critique, so please do not be discouraged. Of course, your post was the spurring I needed to give help. Personally, i have a few mechanical comments/ideas to make:

like the beginning of the letter of the lines--they do not have to be capitalize. What gets me is that some of the lines are not actually capitalized. Just know that you do have the power to decapitalize it at the beginning if you're writing it in MS Word. [which is something I do only if I don't trust the way my words are spelled.]

In fact you do lose your punctuation in the middle of the poem, not sure if it's done with intentions or not. I once read that people never consider those run on sentences good in prose. like if you saw something like this in the middle of a chase scene and this represents someone losing their breath and they're running and running and trying their best to escape the person trying to kill them and oh it's so close and it i'm getting tired of running but if i stop he'll kill me. does that seem kind of sloppy or is it just me?

Of course this is poetry, not prose. and it's not suffering from that, I'm trying to have a thought to help.

Honestly, there seems to be a lot of trivial things going on in this poem. Remember, people only say if it's absolutely necessary you have the word remain there. maybe if you cutted them up and discarded some if they're not as important. If you're not willing, or they are too important to execute that, then perhaps you could break the words into stanzas? There's no rule for stanza arrangement--i'll tell you that right now. But creating a new stanza in my personal opinion a better alternative to ellipses. [...]

I also think your pattern of line lenght is too arbitrary. if you do indeed to break the stanzas, i think it might be in your interest to make the lines of equal lenght--whether that is longer/shorter. Just try those out, and if you do not like it, go back.


and you'll need a title. Poems always need a title. unless you're Shakespear or Emily Dickinson. but i'm afraid to tell us neither us are in that catagory.