TeenLit Community Forums  

If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Go Back   TeenLit Community Forums > Writing > Poetry For Review
User Name
Password
Register FAQ Guidelines Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 01-22-2006, 05:28 PM   #1
Isis
Senior Member
 
Isis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 276
Send a message via AIM to Isis
Default for-sake art

I feel like a post hog, but...
the board is so dead.
Criticism/thoughts would be <3'd

~~~~~~~~

Holding a thumb-square
behind the light, I try
to project my vital lines into focus
through your eyes;
the image falls flat, backwards
into the black negative
trying to trace out ideals.

Most poets die without
their work being known,
cosumed with just being
the something more to say.
__________________
http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums
Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do.

Cheers!
Isis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2006, 10:11 PM   #2
JEM
Administrator
 
JEM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 425
Default

First off, don't worry about being a "post hog", the more posts the merrier.

Second off, the poem.
The line first line is a little confusing. The "-" throws the reader, ok me, off. I thought you were making a compound word.

The extended metaphor is clever (first stanza).

The lines
"cosumed with just being
the something more to say."
seems wordy.

I hope this helps.
__________________
Joseph
Your Favorite Forum Community Leader
JEM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2006, 10:48 PM   #3
Isis
Senior Member
 
Isis's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 276
Send a message via AIM to Isis
Default

Ah, that's because thumb-square is a compound word. Sorry if that confused you: it was a combination of thumbnail [like a small picture of a larger image, used in artist's concept sketches] and a square film slide.

You're right about those last two lines....
Quote:
consumed with being
only something more to say
better?

[hey, if more the merrier is the case, I've got more...]
__________________
http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums
Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do.

Cheers!
Isis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2006, 10:56 PM   #4
JEM
Administrator
 
JEM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 425
Default

Oh, that's what you meant. I thought you were saying your thumb looked square. I thought that was weird.

Yes that is much less wordy and is easier to say.
__________________
Joseph
Your Favorite Forum Community Leader
JEM is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin Version 3.5.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2006, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

EMS Chat
EMS News