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Old 10-06-2007, 05:22 PM   #1
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Post I laughed as I held her....

Okay, this is my first real short story, I am writing it for literary club at my school.
I don't know if it's that great yet, but I want it to be at least decent before I show it to my teacher. It's not finished yet, but I need some feedback.
This is my first time typing this up, I have it all writen down as of now. So I am sorry about any spelling errors.

The ancient gnarled trees loomed like stil sentinels against the black sky. I had never seen a day quite as gloomy an misfortunate as this. Driving further forward on the gravel path through the forest that fringed the city, I contemplate how things could have possibly gone this astray.
The swaying of the trees, the whispers of the crackling autumn leaves falling gracefully onto the dirt path ahead of me, and the breath of the wind tickling its way over my cheek, then gemtly combing through my hair all seemed to lead my thoughts straight back to her. Even the sent of the crisp brown leaves mixing with the aroma of the sea just over the hill managed to make me think once again of my hand on her soft blushing cheek, her whispering to me in the middle of the night, and her making my heart beat faster and faster as her breath creeped along my jaw, her hands gently caressing my hair as her perfume slowly drove me insane.
It'd been so long since I've held her, seen her brilliant smile. I thought I'd be over her by now, thought I could move on. But it was a foolish lie to try to believe in, I knew it from the beginning. But try I did. But now, as these realizations slowly dawned on me, I shiver as the past finds it's way creeping up my spine, chewing at my thoughts and jumbling them up into a garbled mess.
The last memory I have of her was one of my fondest ones. After walking on the beach a while, as the glowing sunset reflected in the ripples of the ocean, in her eyes, on her face. We laughed as I held her, watching the bloody red sun setting behind clouds of dazzling qualities, so radiant against the pitch black summer night sky.
That's all I have so far. Any suggestions at all of what I can do?
I have a kind of idea where this is going, but I am not sure yet.
What do you think?
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Old 10-07-2007, 09:02 AM   #2
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wow. you're a great writer.
I'm sorry but I don't have any suggestions at the moment; I just wanted to tell you how good it was
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
-J.K. Rowling
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Old 10-07-2007, 10:38 PM   #3
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Thank youuuu.
I have more, but I feel a little awkward about letting anyone read it.

Because I am a girl, and I am writing it from a guys point of view thinking of a girl. So it's kinda odd. At least I think so.....
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Old 10-09-2007, 01:15 AM   #4
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Okay, here is the rest. I haven't gone through and fixed stuff and put in more descriptive parts, but this is the basic outline so that people can see what I'm working on and help me see what needs some fixing.
Heading back to my car, heavy-hearted and downcast, my thoughts unwatingly turned to what happened after that wonderful last night. I could not bear to think of how she left this world, I still can not accept it even years later. It was a fatal accident, nothing more. Or was it? With her last breath I felt my life following hers into oblivion, too fearful of leaving her side. And now I am left with nothing more, nothing at all.
The engine stutters as I turn it on, and I make my way back home. If I could even call it that. My home was wherever she was, and thus without her I live on the streets.
I realized in an instant that if I can't get over her now, perhaps I never will. Maybe I don't even want to. All I want is to see her one last time, hear her say my name once again.
Almost halfway home, I saw up ahead near the horizon the old decrepid bridge. I recalled our summers years and years ago, on the bank of the river, or on the boat, always laughing the night away.
Smiling, I now twitch my wheel to the right, car heading off the road. Closing my eyes, I sigh and picture her face, remembering for the last time the sound of her voice. I stepped on the gas. And I finally felt at home.
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Old 10-20-2007, 03:02 PM   #5
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*don't use adjectives
*polish everything to death before you post it
*little good luck.
Circle come round...

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