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Old 11-02-2007, 12:46 PM   #1
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Default A Drunkard's Tale

The familiarity of the basement begins to come into view as I grope my way down the staircase. The white couch situated against the wall looks fuzzy through my pair of blurred lenses, and the voices emanating from the big-screen TV sound slightly incoherent. The stench of stale beer permeates the dank air, and its bitter taste lingers on my lips.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I stumble, unsure exactly, of my immediate surroundings. Everything begins to spinóthe couch and the TV whirl together into a kaleidoscope of varying shades of gray, and the sounds of my fellow drunkards along with the sounds from the TV blend into a harmonious lullaby, which wafts through my ears.

I focus my gaze on a boy in the corner and the spinning gradually lessens, although it never completely stops. He is hunched over next to the couch, vomiting on the already stained carpet. He stands up, making his way to the table in the center of the room, and picks up another beer, drawing it to his lips and downing the entire cup in one gulp.

I try to glimpse his face, searching for any discernable feature that might allow me to recollect how I got here. I catch a fleeting glanceómilky white skin with a few scattered freckles, shaggy sandy blond hair, and crystal clear blue eyes.

I stagger to the table, grab a cup, and emulate his drinking style. We stand there for a few minutes, across from each other, both of us swaying to an unidentifiable source of music which has just begun to play. I reach for another cup and press it to my lips, but am unable to finish drinking the pungent liquid because Iím on the verge of vomiting.

The boy gives me a playful half-smile and I do the same. He slowly inches closer to where I stand. I begin to feel faint and almost collapse, but he picks me up before I hit the ground. He sets me back to an upright position and kisses me, sloppily. His hands are on my ass and he pulls me tighter, closer to his body. Do I know him? I am uncertain, but it doesnít matter.

All of a sudden weíre on the couch and heís on top of me. His hands glide over the length of my body and stop at my jeans, which he unzips. I am frozen, immobile. The spinning has finally come to a halt, but I wish it hasnít. I let him touch me wherever he wants, willing the minutes to move faster, but they donít. His steely eyes penetrate mine at the same time that his body is penetrating my body. If I remember one thing from that night, and one thing only, itís those eyes that my own eyes couldnít be peeled away from.

Finally, itís over, and the boy releases me from his clutches and once again lopes over to the table and picks up a beer, as if nothing had just happened, or as if what did happen was as inconsequential as a handshake. After finishing his beer, the boy disappears up the stairs as I remain lying on the couch for an indeterminate amount of time.

Eventually I stand and grope my way up the staircase. My head and heart are pounding in rhythmic sync as I open the front door and step into the cool, crisp autumn air. I begin walking down the street, with no destination in mind, the boyís eyes still fresh in my memory.
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:27 PM   #2
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I liked your use of various imagery throughout, but I feel like it might be "overstuffed" with redundant words.
A few akward phrases:
"wafts through my ears"
"downing the entire cup in one gulp"
"allow me to recollect how I got here"
"crystal clear blue eyes" < this is over-used, try something else
"His steely eyes penetrate mine at the same time that his body is penetrating my body." < I see what you are trying to do here; however, change up penetrate or something.. I don't know.
Anyways I'm goign to stop now.. but overall I thought it was pretty interesting. One more note, the atmosphere and the tone are a bit hard to distinguish. I sense confusion, somewhat fear.. but the last paragraph doesn't really fit in with all of that..
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