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Old 02-27-2006, 10:33 PM   #1
crazy1
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Default hidden haunt revised version

Hidden Haunt
By Levi LaFonte

Society in which we partake
Is nothing more than a fake
on the surface its all nice
but underneath thereís no rice
to feed the kids who others buy
we all know it donít deny
that there is a hidden haunt
and all we can think of is what we want
sure Iíd like a million dollars
but Iíd prefer to see millions holler
better yet to see them act
to help change the thereís a fact
that there is no meat
for the boy with no feet
blown of by a bomb
the same one that killed his mom
just because the his family went against the say
of one of the many corrupt governments today
who steal their peoples food away
and use it to buy guns for another day
to keep the people under oppression
a constant supply of depression
and all we can think of is what we want?
Maybe some shoes from a sweat shop
That a six year old child made
Just to be under paid
When the people become defiant
The governmentís soldiers will keep them quite
When youíre done reading this poem
Youíll decide against its tone
Then forget about the hidden haunt
And go back to thinking about what you want
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Old 03-06-2006, 07:49 PM   #2
Vennila X Vana
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You know, I am going to devise a mantra, something along the lines of "S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G! Spelling, Spelling, if that doesn't do it, Grammar can!". English can be a cool language, if you use it.

I can see this being a little kids rap song on one of those infomercial CDs. Don't know if that's exactly what you're going for but I'll tell you that it's cute.

That's basically the only word I can use to describe it, which is better than "bad".
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Old 03-06-2006, 08:18 PM   #3
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can we get an example of the parts you thought were bad????
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Old 03-07-2006, 06:35 PM   #4
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But I didn't think it was bad, I thought it was cute.

Like I said, it should be a little kids rap song.
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Old 03-08-2006, 02:43 PM   #5
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what spelling mistakes?
and grammar and punctation rules do not apply yo poetry it is an art you use punctuaion to emphasize certain parts in it
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Old 03-08-2006, 07:30 PM   #6
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Well you are right in some ways, poetry does not have to follow strict rules of grammar and punctuation, but you know you are writing it in the English language, and actually using it is the least you can do.

Examples: on the surface its all nice
When did surface because possessive of "all nice"?
to help change the thereís a fact
I think you're missing some words here?
blown of by a bomb
Blown off?

I'm not trying to rag on your poem, it's nice. I'm sorry if my critique sounded harsh. Let me try again.

I personally think, you should try to incorporate more proper English language usage into your poem, right now it's like one big run-on sentence, and it makes the reader feel out of breath at the end. Certain lines like this one:
we all know it donít deny
turn awkward and the reader is begging for commas, periods, semi-colons even!

I also personally think your poem is a little amateur, I think it's really sweet and very cute, portrays what I think would be a cool little kids rap song. That again, is not something I hold for or against your poem.

Better?
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