have ane oipions about my poem?

crazy1 · 01-21-2006, 01:53 AM

Drifting mindlessly
Disappearing
And reappearing
Aimlessly
They come and go
Constantly changing
Never staying
Growing
And depleting
Forever lost

i just wrote that and i was wondering what everbody thinks

Isis · 01-21-2006, 09:41 AM

A decent start on writing poetry, but just a start: there is a lot more that you can do.

Think of creating a more concrete image, and bringing out other ideas. Here you have thid nebulous idea, like some kind of dreamy riddle: you can use your lines not only to describe mistily like this, but to tell a story, to make a point, to introduce a character, and to convey emotion.

You could try something longer, or more definate, or both.

crazy1 · 01-21-2006, 04:04 PM

thx but length isint really what i like (only in really good books) but ill try with the other ideas

Unwilling · 01-21-2006, 08:08 PM

I think it's too abstract for the average person. Also, your love for adverbs kind of leads to the "ly" oddly being used too often.

**JEM** · 01-21-2006, 08:34 PM

Yes, you are right lenght is not important. (look at Robert Frost's "Fire and Ice"). I don't notice a problem with the lenght of your poem.

I see your poem is pretty much not going in any direction. Is that what you are describing?

I don't like how your poem has so many verbs with no subjects. Of course this is okay in poetry, but I don't see what message you are trying to convey to the reader.

crazy1 · 01-23-2006, 07:15 PM

i dunno wat is about either i kinda blacked out and woke up with it on piece of paper in front of me

01-21-2006, 01:53 AM	#1
crazy1 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 28	have ane oipions about my poem? Drifting mindlessly Disappearing And reappearing Aimlessly They come and go Constantly changing Never staying Growing And depleting Forever lost i just wrote that and i was wondering what everbody thinks

01-21-2006, 09:41 AM	#2
Isis Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 276	A decent start on writing poetry, but just a start: there is a lot more that you can do. Think of creating a more concrete image, and bringing out other ideas. Here you have thid nebulous idea, like some kind of dreamy riddle: you can use your lines not only to describe mistily like this, but to tell a story, to make a point, to introduce a character, and to convey emotion. You could try something longer, or more definate, or both. __________________ http://www.intunemonthly.com/forums Please click above and help me make a living! Come chat about music at InTune. You want to. You know you do. Cheers!

01-21-2006, 08:34 PM	#5
JEM Administrator Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 425	Yes, you are right lenght is not important. (look at Robert Frost's "Fire and Ice"). I don't notice a problem with the lenght of your poem. I see your poem is pretty much not going in any direction. Is that what you are describing? I don't like how your poem has so many verbs with no subjects. Of course this is okay in poetry, but I don't see what message you are trying to convey to the reader. __________________ Joseph Your Favorite Forum Community Leader

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01-21-2006, 04:04 PM	#3
crazy1 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 28	thx but length isint really what i like (only in really good books) but ill try with the other ideas

01-21-2006, 08:08 PM	#4
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	I think it's too abstract for the average person. Also, your love for adverbs kind of leads to the "ly" oddly being used too often.

01-23-2006, 07:15 PM	#6
crazy1 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 28	i dunno wat is about either i kinda blacked out and woke up with it on piece of paper in front of me