'Mind forged manicles'-William Blake

[girlonfire]

I'm counting my blessings,
Twenty pence...fifty pence...minus 72...
Minus two i'm on now,
And i'm counting,
I'm not grieving,
Or sighing,
Complaining,
Or craving,
For some choice words of comfort,
But I'd quite like a hug if that's possible,
Maybe arms can't stretch fifteen-thousand miles for me,
But words can stroke my heart,
And kindle a solitary need for closeness,
Not,
Icky comfort...,
Just a hug,
Just words feel safe,
The jail bars fixed out side the class room window,
Are virtual,
And i can make them dissapear,
And i would,
But when i delve into my fantasies,
And the lies woven into the truth,
Like a slip of poison in a drink,
Not Harmful,
Un detectable to most,
Except for me,
Me...
I lie awake at night.
Kicking the wall and writhing,
I want that hug...
I want that hug,
And i want to be the Goblin Queen,
Like i was when i was six,
I want to kiss the statue of my fallen king,
And ride my warriors to war against the human race,
I want to be the Goblin Queen,
I want to see again,
I want to feel and i want to be,
Me,
Happy,
It seems so hard now,
Weaving fantasies to life,
I'll sit here in my fantast,
Fucking adiment,
And in controll,
I'm not moving,
And i'm not budging,
I'm the Goblin Queen,
And i'm riding out my warriors to fight the human race,
These are my mind forged manicles.....




Any ideas? Comments? Anyway...thanx

[Ameerah8]

good, great. There's a few spelling mistakes, but that's normal for everyone. The poem itself was splendid.
"I'm counting my blessings,
Twenty pence...fifty pence...minus 72...
Minus two i'm on now,"
this was my favorite part. dono why though....

[Isis]

Your stuff is all very stream-of-conciousness; I'm guessing that you sit down and write whatever the heck comes to mind, and then form it into a poem...or something to that effect. I'm not even going to argue or anything about structure -- I like punctuation, you throw commas at the end of every line, whatever. Maybe sometime in the future, I'd like to see you try different structures and styles, just as practice, but that's all personal preference.

Still, you're coming out with some good stuff as you write. You have good ideas, stuff that would be good to be expanded, or pulled together. Even if you like the 'drifting' or 'thoughful' style like this, bringing the thoughts together into something solid helps. Repeated lines or phrases...some you could get rid of or condense [if you say something and it's all spread out, you could try to boil that idea down into just a few words]

I'm not saying that poems can't be long; length can be interesting and gives you something to work with.

I like this:

And i want to be the Goblin Queen,
Like i was when i was six,
I want to kiss the statue of my fallen king,

and the bold line is especially interesting. I would have liked to see that as the center of this poem...maybe it's a start for another one? Playing on memories can work really well.

[Isis]

Well, I sound probably the kind of way that'll tick you off, but I guess I'm just clinical. Just telling you that it's not personal; I did my best to balance advice and not being mean...

I like being mean better though. Boo hoo. =p

[girlonfire]

hey isis you were nice, i like your advice and its a lot softer, i can think on t with ut hating you, thats what i love abot wtiters, we're so versatile..well maybe not me but oh well..