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Old 05-03-2006, 07:22 AM   #1
TeenLit Newbie
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 6
Default coments anyone?

hey im not really big on rhym but i was just in the mood for it... any sugestions on how i could improve? i get the feeling that it doesnt quite flow as well as it should and i think it might be a bit stereotypical.. anyway tell me what you think

Stone cold
Expressionless faces,
False ideas
In plastic cases,
Thin, dark lips
Hollow eyes,
Hearts filled with hate,
Minds filled with lies
Zombies of love
Living off the lonely
Never pursuing
A one and only,
Taking souls
And only burning them
Absorbing feelings,
Without returning them
A world of
Empty mindless beings,
Peering in yet
Still not seeing
Unable to forget,
Unable to forgive
Living as only
The desperate live
True love has died out,
It seems overrated
Soon everyone here
Will hate and be hated
The world is set fire,
Ignited by pain
Zombies turn to ashes
Never to love again…
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Old 05-03-2006, 08:46 AM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 72
Default ?

k, i read it once and it sounded good but had no rhythm, but that was cool cuz u sed u weren't big on it, i read it a second time and read it like it was someone talking, there's this type of poetry (no idea what it's called but hey) and its very long and its like a monologue with rhythm and verses and drama, your poem sunded really good like that, i'm pretty sure i like it, everyone has their own style...

stay cool
I'm like an atom,
So small you can not see me,
Try and split me,
And i'm not so little anymore...
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Old 05-03-2006, 01:56 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 21
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that was actually REALLY good. i liked how the lines were short, it just emphasized the feeling of emptiness. and you sort of have meter, though if it was on purpose or not, i'm not sure, because there are a few lines that are kinda off...ish...
but i really liked the poem. great work!
Stella Zara
I stared death in the eye, said the note from yesterday
And as I sat and wondered,
The boy with the green eyes winked at me
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