Brisk read.

[Ameerah8]

[/b][/font]hey i know i shoulda posted this on the writers page or whatever it's called but i think more people will read it here. this is the first chapter of this story i wrote. remember to tell me all your thoughts on it (good or bad) like i probably could use a spell check for example. here it is.

Chapter 1: The perfect tree

She put the cake pan under the sink, making sure to do it as slowly as possible; if her mom thought she was doing work then she would most likely forget whatever else she wanted her to do for awhile. But only as Andrea was closing the oven did she truly start to wonder why the real estate guy (or John as her mother had called him,) warned them not to open the window on the third floor. Maybe it’s just to give us a reason to buy an air conditioner she thought to herself. “Andrea! Are you done putting the pots up yet?” her mom yelled from the upstairs bathroom.
“Almost” she lied. Well it’s not exactly a lie she thought, I still have three pots. Well the tops hardly count as pots but still….
“You wanna go climb that tree we saw out in the yard?” asked Andrea’s younger brother John “Since your almost done.” He added with a wink.
“You finished your room and the hallway already?” she asked deciding to ignore his last remark.
“Yep”
“You suck. I haven’t even gotten to my bedroom yet.”
“Well….you want me to help you so we can go outside?”
“Thanks, you can do the cups and silverware. Ok?”
“Kay”
It took John and Andrea another half an hour to finish putting up the dishes.
“You think mom will let you go outside if your stuff is still packed?” John asked meekly.
“Yeah and even if she doesn’t it’s my room.” Andrea replied bravely.
They ran out of the house closing the door just as they heard their mother’s voice. Andrea knew that she would pay later for not listing to her mother but she felt as though the tree was calling her, she couldn’t explain the feeling but she knew it was there.
“Come on Andrea!” her brother yelled as he climbed their perfect tree.
It was a willow tree. She could feel it in her hands as she grabbed the lowest branch and began to climb. It was one of her favorite trees. She loved the way the leaves were shaped, (and<not sure if I should put comma or “and”>) how the branches leaned toward the ground and flew with the currents air of whenever there was wind. And how you could always feel secure under a willow trees shade or on its branches. You could say she felt about the tree as a mermaid feels about the sea. If anyone had seen Andrea as she climbed they would have thought she was born in the trees. You could tell by the way she moved up the tree, so nimble and confident that she was skilled and if not skilled then she was gifted. Compared to her brother, who paused at every step and always tested to make sure the branch could take his weight, she was the king and queen of trees.
“Do you want to race to the top?” her voice was filled with pleasure.
“Why so you can win again?!” he replied jokingly as he started toward her lair of the tree. He knew she would win but he didn’t want to be the cause of her unhappiness for this was her element just as swimming was his.
“I don’t always win F-Y-I.” she reminded him in a sarcastic tone.
“Yeah that one time you let me win when I was like three years old.”
“You still remember that?!” she asked dropping her climbing pose. “That was sooooooooo long ago! I barley remember that.”
“Come on are we going to race or not?”
“Yeah, yeah. On your mark!” she let a breath out for suspense. “GET SET! GO!”
Before John even started she was ahead of him. It usually starts like this he thought to himself as he tested the next branch, no, who am I fooling it always starts like this he thought miserably. But not to miserably for he could beat her just as bad in swimming. Thinking this was his only way to make it bearable as his sister not only beat him to the top, but back down to the bottom of the trunk.
“Might as well come down now, your not even halfway up yet.” Andrea yelled reasonably as she hoped off the tenth branch from the ground, landing perfectly.
As he looked up he realized his sister was right. “What’d I say? You beat me. Again.” The last word he replied with a little irritation in his voice.
If his sister had sensed his irritation she didn’t show it.
“You know sometimes I think you make me race you to prove that you’re faster than me.” He said as he swung off the branch closest to the ground almost twisting his ankle.
“No of course not. I only do it to let you know I’m better at it then you. You already know I’m faster than you.” She replied trying, unsuccessfully, to look as innocent as possible.
“I’m bored.” He declared as he muffled a yawn. Why do I feel sleepy he thought just as he began to close his eyes.
“I’m not” as a matter of fact she was very content. She felt as though she could stay in the very spot she was till she became part of the tree.
“You can come inside if you want.”Suggested an unseen voice.
“John did you hear that?” she looked toward her brother to find him asleep.
“He won’t wake up for awhile honey. I put him to sleep.”
“Why?” She asked as she began to look around for any signs of where the voice might be coming.
“Oh so you could meet them of course. Your brother can’t hear us and I thought you probably didn’t want him to feel left out.”
“Who is “them”?” she asked feeling that she already knew.
“Why everything around of course. And stop looking around like that your making me nervous.”
“Well where are you exactly?” she asked unsure if she should trust herself to talk. She wanted to ask why whoever this voice was why she wanted her to meet everything around her and what she meant by everything around her.
“honey I’m right behind you and now that you know that will you please turn around a look at me while I talk to you, I hate talking to peoples backs” she replied with what Andrea thought was a laugh.
“You’re a tree.” For some reason Andrea found no surprise in this, she for some reason felt even calmer knowing the mysterious voice belonged to a tree even better that it was a willow tree.
“Why yes my dear I am.” She gave another of what Andrea also guessed was a laugh.
“Do you have a name or do I just call you willow?”
“My name is… why my dear I believe I’ve forgotten it’s been so long since I’ve used it.”
“Can I call you Sagacity? It means wisdom.”
“It would be an honor.”
“How old are you Sagacity?”
“Well if my rings read right I’m about three hundred years old. I’m not old but I’m certainly not young as I used to be. In your world I’d be considered about forty-five. Anyway I’ve got some people I would like you to meet inside.”
“Inside? Inside what?”
“My trunk of course.”
“How do I get inside?”
“Say please.”
“Please may I go inside your trunk?”
As though she had said open sesame Sagacity’s trunk began to split down the middle, opening to a staircase down into the depths of her trunk.
“But what about John? Will he be ok? She asked casting a worried glance toward her younger brother.
“Don’t worry about him; I’ll keep an eye one him while you’re gone.” As she said this her leaves began to wrap around john and pull him towards her branches she had felt so safely about. “Go on now they’ll be waiting for you.”
Only as the steps in Sagacity’s trunk started to end did Andrea begin to wonder who these people that Sagacity wanted her to meet were. “well here I go.” She whispered, quickly sending a prayer to her ancestors. You may expect that at this point Andrea might have opened the door but as weird as it seems she didn’t. Instead she stood there as if paralyzed by some unseen force. When the door finally did open it was not by Andrea.

[Isis]

People do venture into the writing forums occasionally - at least, I hope they do, because I just posted work as well. XD

First off - spacing your writing helps. It looks like you had this indented properly when you typed it up in a word processor, but to post on forums you've gotta put a space between paragraphs. Dialouge can be clumped together for three to seven lines if you have a lot of that, so it doesn't seem too spaced out but is still easy to read.

Next: The dialouge. There was...well, there was a LOT. Dialouge is a tricky thing. I think you have the brother-sister thing down pretty well. However, you don't want to have it just be two disembodied voices talking - make sure that there's some description or action while the talking goes on. You have some, indicating tone of voice, as well as what's going on in the scene. That's good - there just needs to be more of that. Maybe when she's talking to the Willow you can provide more of a description of the tree. Does she imagine a face appearing on the trunk? [I do -- Pocahontas style. That's just my imagination's preference, though. And that's why description is important. Try and show people what you see.]

Your spelling didn't jump out at me as messed up and it didn't register in MS word, but I'm no copy editor. Vennila is better at that. I noticed that you could use more commas in some places. Example:

He knew she would win, but he didn’t want to be the cause of her unhappiness - for this was her element just as swimming was his.

My grammatical additions are in bold.

She loved the way the leaves were shaped, (and<not sure if I should put comma or “and”>)

There are two ways you could do it. You could put an "and", or you could put a semi-colon, [;] instead of that and in the place of the comma.

Overall, I liked the story. Combinations of cute, interesting, eerie...I'd like to see more of Andrea's thoughts and emotions emerge as you keep writing. It would really help bring the story alive - and as we read about her adventures, however crazy they be, we would still relate.
Keep writing. ^.^b

[Ameerah8]

Thanks for the crit now i know what to work on and what not to. the only other person who's edited it and gave their thought was my mom and that doesn't count cause she's a parent.

[Oblivion]

hmmmmmmmmmmm its pretty good

[Ameerah8]

good as in you would want to read the next chapter or good as in "i'm just being nice, your story really sucks"

[Oblivion]

I like the begginning but i dont realy like the last parts, but thats cuz i need more to go off of, dont worry it doesnt suck