Feedback wanted!

Misana · 04-01-2005, 02:43 AM

Elise had been sitting, alone, in that room for what seemed like days. The room was very
claustrophobic; it had but one window that was borded up from the outside. The door was
small, no taller than a crawl space. It was cold, the room had no insolation. Hours earlier, she
had attempted a fruitless escape. But the door was locked, and there was getting around that.
And like most slaves, not having been given much to eat, she had been too fatigued to even
stand, much less pick a lock. No, she would just sit there until it was time for her to come out.
Who knew when that would be, though, as her masters had never been the predictable sort.
Elise pulled her plain, now off-white dress over her knees. She sighed into the cold, mid
December air. How long would her punishment last this time? She thought back a few weeks,
remembering the last time she had been jailed up in this room and couldn’t help but smile. That
time around, she had pestered her master’s daughter into tears, something that was not entirely
justified, but enjoyable just the same. She deserved that day of punishment, she admitted to
herself later on. But today was different. Today she had done nothing wrong.

kate1991 · 04-01-2005, 09:45 AM

That is a very wonderful peice of writing. You do an amazing job of explaining her surounding & making the reader feel what she feels. Are you going to write a story to continue that peice? If you do would you please post it on here so I can read it? Thanks

Älskade_Ängel · 04-01-2005, 01:57 PM

I didn't read it thoroughly but i did notice a little mistake, huh i don't wanna appear too critique but i just thought i'd point out.
"But the door was locked, and there was *no* getting around that."

Sorry if i come across like i am too critique

But just thought you'd like to see the mistake

And like Misana, I'd like to see the rest of the story if this peice is connected to a whole story

But it's really good Kate

Weldone

Take care

Misana · 04-01-2005, 02:39 PM

Thanks for pointing that out. Really. I wouldn't have noticed it if you hadn't. Is there any way to edit a thread?

And thank you, Kate! I will definitely post more if I decide to continue.

Älskade_Ängel · 04-02-2005, 07:59 AM

Oh gosh I realized just right now that my post was totally wrong. I must've been drunk or something (although no, i don't drink!) But this is what I was suppose to say:

"I didn't read it thoroughly but i did notice a little mistake, huh i don't wanna appear too critique but i just thought i'd point out.
"But the door was locked, and there was *no* getting around that."

Sorry if i come across like i am too critique But just thought you'd like to see the mistake

And like Kate, I'd like to see the rest of the story if this peice is connected to a whole story
But it's really good Misana Welldone

Take care"

That's what I'm suppose to say *blush* hehe

Misana · 04-02-2005, 09:17 PM

I kind of got what you meant anyway. :P Thank you again for the feedback!

skatergurl91 · 04-03-2005, 09:36 AM

this is an awesome piece but you did make some mistakes. re-read it and fix them, then it will be perfect.

04-01-2005, 02:43 AM	#1
Misana TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 7	Feedback wanted! Elise had been sitting, alone, in that room for what seemed like days. The room was very claustrophobic; it had but one window that was borded up from the outside. The door was small, no taller than a crawl space. It was cold, the room had no insolation. Hours earlier, she had attempted a fruitless escape. But the door was locked, and there was getting around that. And like most slaves, not having been given much to eat, she had been too fatigued to even stand, much less pick a lock. No, she would just sit there until it was time for her to come out. Who knew when that would be, though, as her masters had never been the predictable sort. Elise pulled her plain, now off-white dress over her knees. She sighed into the cold, mid December air. How long would her punishment last this time? She thought back a few weeks, remembering the last time she had been jailed up in this room and couldn’t help but smile. That time around, she had pestered her master’s daughter into tears, something that was not entirely justified, but enjoyable just the same. She deserved that day of punishment, she admitted to herself later on. But today was different. Today she had done nothing wrong.

04-01-2005, 09:45 AM	#2
kate1991 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 2	My Thoughts That is a very wonderful peice of writing. You do an amazing job of explaining her surounding & making the reader feel what she feels. Are you going to write a story to continue that peice? If you do would you please post it on here so I can read it? Thanks

04-01-2005, 01:57 PM	#3
Älskade_Ängel TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 20	a little mistake I didn't read it thoroughly but i did notice a little mistake, huh i don't wanna appear too critique but i just thought i'd point out. "But the door was locked, and there was no getting around that." Sorry if i come across like i am too critique But just thought you'd like to see the mistake And like Misana, I'd like to see the rest of the story if this peice is connected to a whole story But it's really good Kate Weldone Take care __________________ And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart

04-02-2005, 07:59 AM	#5
Älskade_Ängel TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 20	Oh gosh I realized just right now that my post was totally wrong. I must've been drunk or something (although no, i don't drink!) But this is what I was suppose to say: "I didn't read it thoroughly but i did notice a little mistake, huh i don't wanna appear too critique but i just thought i'd point out. "But the door was locked, and there was no getting around that." Sorry if i come across like i am too critique But just thought you'd like to see the mistake And like Kate, I'd like to see the rest of the story if this peice is connected to a whole story But it's really good Misana Welldone Take care" That's what I'm suppose to say blush hehe __________________ And I'm truly inspired Finding my soul There in your eyes And you have opened my heart

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04-01-2005, 02:39 PM	#4
Misana TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 7	Thanks for pointing that out. Really. I wouldn't have noticed it if you hadn't. Is there any way to edit a thread? And thank you, Kate! I will definitely post more if I decide to continue.

04-02-2005, 09:17 PM	#6
Misana TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 7	I kind of got what you meant anyway. :P Thank you again for the feedback!

04-03-2005, 09:36 AM	#7
skatergurl91 TeenLit Newbie Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 1	this is an awesome piece but you did make some mistakes. re-read it and fix them, then it will be perfect.