Bulletboy-2nd august 2006
Thursday-2nd august 11:18
I fell asleep last night seems this is draining more out of me than I thought. It’s nearly the end and im scared, what happens when ive finished? What happens when there's nothing left to tell?
So I started a new life I faked a happy ending. My mouth smiled but my eyes would tell you different, I said I was happy but my arms would beg to differ. I spoke to people who knew nothing about me I slept with girls who didn’t care about my scars. I created a new Isaac a better Isaac in fact not even Isaac “….sac” they called me I don’t know who he was but he sure as hell wasn’t me. Sac had a thick skin peoples comments just bounced off him his friends knew little more than his name .some would say he was a mystery but if you scratched the surface you'd know he was just a fake. Sac would go home late at night stinking of weed and cheap perfume he reeked of girls that weren’t you and lived a life that wasn’t mine. He’d stumble home late at night pissed and high he’d crawl into his bed shed his skin and then I would cry. Living this other life spending my time pretending to be “sac” I didn’t even notice that I was falling until I hit the ground. Hard and cold.
I woke up in a pool of my own puke I couldn’t tell if it had been there before I hit my alarm off so hard my knuckles bled. Pushing the heals of palms into my eyes I yawned and stretched my legs. I fell into the same hung over routine, check for lacerations or any thing that would remind me of the night before, have a cold shower, bang my head against the wall a few times as the previous nights events slowly come back to me. I pushed my fringe over one eye hiding the slight bruising and scratched at the healing split lip .I applied a little eyeliner pulled on my jeans, stripy t-shirt and cardigan. I picked up my books and bag put on my thick rimmed glasses and looked in the mirror …….oh god I was a mess. College was the only time I didn’t bother with contact lenses, taking out certain piercings for certain people or hiding my tattoos. As I ran for the door bagel in mouth and shoes in my hand the phone rang. I thought about leaving it but something made me run back
“Hello?” I said I waited for a few seconds “hello?….look I don’t have time for this crap Im late don’t you people have anything better to do?”
“Isaac?” you seemed upset so I didn’t hang up “Isaac we need to talk ……it’s…………. its about the baby Isaac”
“Look im really sorry for your loss truly iam but we can’t do this im not the person you need to be talking to”
“But you are I need you Isaac” you were crying I could tell by your voice
“Skye, I loved you and no one deserves to go through what you went through but it’s just not my problem anymore
I think you need to talk to a counsellor or something you know im no good at these things”
“Isaac im telling you now this you will want to know “your voice was stronger “do you love me?” you asked
I thought about it I really did long and hard
“Yes” I said “I love you I always have and always will……………….. Im just not sure I can ever like you”
“Well Isaac Daniels I love you more than I ever have or ever will love anyone just know that ok I love you and there is nothing you can or could have done”
Then the phone clicked off and the line went dead.
I never realised how final that click was.
Feeling slightly strange I stepped out into the icy cold air and headed towards college. No matter what I just couldn’t shake how desperate your voice had sounded but out here out in the street I was sac I didn’t care about other people and they didn’t care about me. I was so distracted I bumped into a tall hooded guy I apologised and carried on but the guy stepped in front of me. he took down his hood and smiled a toothy grin braces I noted looking at my dinted knuckles “sup baby cakes?” he said “move Dom” I spat glaring at him. He gave me a wounded look and raised a hand “someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning~” he said in an irritating sing song voice. I remembered the look on your face at the hospital the way your voice wavered on the phone and I stepped close. This time I was in control and I chinned him in the mouth he spat blood but still continued to grin “how could you do that to her? Knock her up and then let her down” I shouted “I knew you were scum ward but this is low even for you”. His smile stayed put throughout my speech I clenched my fist and swung but he caught my fist in his hand “never very good at maths were you?” he said grinning. the penny finally dropped and I started doing sums in my head my face must of crumpled because he leant in again so close to my ear it tickled “that’s right ……… its yours the baby’s yours Isaac………you knocked her up and then let her down and you wonna know why?” he grinned “and this is on the house…..because you’re a **** up always have been always will be your father was your brother is and so are you”
Bang I hit the ground. Hard and cold. Fell to my knees blood pumping in my head I watched his feet dodge me and carry on walking then I ran over what you said the bit about it not being my fault.oh ****.this was your canal.
I ran so fast it was seconds before I reached your street jumping over hedges and dogs and then I ground to a halt. Outside your house just by your rope swing was an ambulance. Your door wide open and the flashing light from the siren cast a shadow on the two men carrying out a stretcher covered in a white blanket. I stepped up to the stretcher my hands shaking and I suddenly knew what people meant when they say they had their heart in their mouth.
“Excuse me sir” said one of the men “excuse me sir” he repeated “im afraid im gona have to ask you to step back unless you’re a relative”
“Im the father of her child I blurted” out
They gave me a pained look and said no more.
They stepped down off the religiously painted front step and a tiny fragile arm dropped out from under the blanket. On your wedding finger was the ring id dropped at dooms house. I slipped my hand in yours and felt a piece of paper I took it from you grip and put it in my breast pocket.
This wasn’t my life this wasn’t me this wasn’t how it was supposed to end.
I let go and started run again I didn’t know where until I saw the flickering street light its always been that way since I was a kid I stopped just before I rounded the corner and I threw myself down under it. Its half way between our houses it’s where we said hello in the morning and where we kissed goodbye each night. I waited all night for that goodbye but it never came. As the people walked by getting on with there lives like a girl hadn’t died yesterday like my girl wasn’t dead. I felt for the piece of paper in my pocket it was photo that I couldn’t work out at first maybe it was late or just really close up but then it hit me it wasn’t a photo it was a scan picture of your baby of our baby. On the back was some writing I couldn’t read first but after a while it was clear:
This may only be a line in a song and I know im no curt cobain
Its only four cords and a chorus but I hope it won’t be in vain
I could be your Romeo if you’d only let me try
And you could be my Juliet but I won’t let you die
I don’t have much to offer just this simple song
And my love that I assure you is guaranteed life long
I’m just a broken heart from a broken home
Just a broken heart that’s scared to be alone
But I could be your Romeo if you’d only let me try
And you could be my Juliet but I won’t let you die
I loved you unconditionally my little broken heart
But with your lack of confidence we were ripped apart
Why are you defeated when the battles just begun?
Take it on shoulder and learn to carry on
21st century Shakespeare “to be or not to be”?
It’s true you were my Romeo and guess where that leaves me
Cold and just as promised dieing for my cause
It’s my final show, my matinee, minus the applause
I have it tattooed on my back so I won’t ever forget.
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