Saturday 13 august 09:59
If you think crushes crush you try falling in love when there’s no one to catch you
Real update when I wake up
Monday 15 august 20:12
Ive spent the last week trying to convince myself there’s nothing I can do.
I returned your stuff last night its all part of the healing process. What was I supposed to do with a bunch of rhetorical questions and books for a school I don’t attend?
But some how I managed to leave one photograph out, were sat on a wall near your parents house. The wind is blowing your hair across your face and our hands are entwined in a way I thought could never be separated ………….I guess I was wrong. Your so beautiful you hardly notice the breathe taking scene of mountains we have our back to it has the look of amateur photography with an understated model.
How did this happen to us?
We were so young and in love ………………well I guess that was sort of the problem.
Friday 19 august 18:34
What do you do when everything they say about you is true?
I spent 17 years being ignored and now im finally being recognised just not for the reasons I had hoped. In high school nobody knew my name I had a few friends but none of them really knew me id get through classes just thinking of how we would be together on the way home. Some days I’d spend so long in silence with no one to talk to I wasn’t sure that I could speak even if I tried. I wasn’t bullied exactly in fact sometimes I wished that someone noticed me enough to trip me up or steal my money. I found myself watching enviously as the weird kids got name called or a broken nose. I’d just sit and draw in my note book creating scenarios where I would become popular or drawing pictures of the person I wished I was. I loved art but despite that there's no other lesson I hated more than art and design. The sterile desks in a white washed room were lined up perfectly to face the board where some equally uninspiring lesson plan was written up. all my reports read “Isaac has a true talent but for some reason can not apply this to class tasks his potential far exceeds his coursework” it was true I didn’t try in school I scrapped by on just pass grades. My mother had always said that as long as I did my best she would be proud this was a stupid thing to say to a 14 year old boy so I did what I could get by on and passed it off as my best. You made me feel like I existed again like I was untouchable as long as I knew you were waiting at the gates I could sit through a whole day of being overlooked. When I was with you I felt wanted that night the night we made love for the first time I knew that I would never feel unnoticed again. I had waited for that day my whole life and even now there isn’t one that can top it.
It was decide that you would come back to mine after school. I spent the week tidying my room, washing my bedding and moving the dirty pots. You had been in my room before you had seen it at its worst but this was different it had to be perfect. I’d bought the condoms and stashed them in my sock draw , even though Dallas was behind bars I still felt embarrassed to leave them lying around. All day I thought about nothing else and when I you met me at the gate I thought I was going to explode with excitement. We walked home in silence just grinning at each other and swinging are hands. When
We got back to mine I offered you a drink and led you up to my room. You pulled me by my tie until our lips collided, hands shaking I started to peel of you shirt one button at a time. You Pulled at my shirt hoping for the same button ripping effect wed seen in films but it didn’t quiet tear clean it just left a gapping hole, you ran your hands up my chest to my chin. You pulled my mouth away from yours and looked into my eyes and said “ I love you Isaac Daniels”. You went of into my bathroom while I pulled my trousers of and read the instructions on the back of the condom packet. You returned in your bra and knickers (the ones I’d bought you for Christmas) and walked over to the bed ,at this vital point I heard a key in the front door. My dad was shouting about something in his usual incoherent slur my heart sunk as you looked on the floor for your clothes. I went down stairs to reason with him, something I hadn’t done in a while and you sat patiently on my bed. When I returned with a tear in one eye and a print of my fathers fist on the other you pulled me onto the bed and started to undress again you took your tie and blindfolded me with it. You led me to the window sill and told me to step out. I took your hand as you led me up over the garage and onto the flat part of the roof where the slats meet with the extension over the guest room. You left me there for what felt like hours just listening to the low hum of the traffic disintegrate into the occasional car speeding past .when you returned you fussed around besides me for a while and then with a flourish removed the tie to reveal all my bedding and sum candles set out. You bit my lip while searching for a soul to pluck.
It was the most amazing feeling shortly followed by an even better one.
Afterwards we lay beside each other taking in what had just happened. Id never felt so close to someone ….ever, I kissed you gently pressing my lips against yours and feeling your heart beat. We lay there all night just talking it started to get dark but the candles provided a dim light, just enough to see each other. I showed you my scars, the tear in my knee from my first skateboard, the slight dint under my chin from time my dad had showed me I was nothing ,the cross on my neck from a mock sword fight with Dallas and the very faint lines on my wrist from when I was new to being let down by everyone I loved. You kissed everyone and then fell asleep, one hand on my chest one entwined in mine. I stayed up all night just watching you breath in and out in and out it was the most beautiful thing id ever seen. You were the most beautiful thing id ever seen.
If only it had stayed that simple but how was I to know that you were gona make me hurt like id never done before.
What do you do when everything they say about you is true?
Saturday 20 august 14:49
Got a phone call from the publishers today they want me to come and see them but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. The only person I would want to read its is the only person that wont.
The first day of college a new beginning or an alternate ending?
Or most its an exciting step in their journey but for me it was just another 42 hours a week I would spend in silence. We were going to different colleges which gave me a feeling of unease what if you met someone? What if you lost touch with me? But after the first week it became apparent you had no intension of leaving me. Every night you would come to my house some nights we didn’t even speak, we didn’t need to, you would just sit on my bed and read whatever had been assigned. I would sit and watch as your eyes followed the words to the bottom of the page. I longed to be the princes that captured your heart and could only wish that I was the fight scenes that made you hold your breath I dreamt of being the words that enchanted you so.
All I could do was watch helplessly as every sentence made your heart beat in a way I knew I could never compete with. You turned each page like it was the last and bit you lip as your eyes scanned the pages of excitement I knew I could never give you. you carried your books to and from college clutched against your chest in a way I wished you would hold me I could feel you slipping through my fingers as you stayed late at the library you were in love……….with words.