Bulletboy-10 July 2005
Monday 10 Jul 05 21:26
Ive never really wrote a diary or if I have I havenít stuck at it for too long so I donít know why I think this will be any different, I canít remember the last time I actually completed something I set out to! just like every other book, diary or journal your destined to be forgotten after a few short weeks, once my attention is taken by something else ........but for the time being I will spend my time striving to find something to write about and we'll pretend like this is the most important part of my day when all my thoughts are laid to bed and I tell you my deepest darkest secrets. I would feel as though im cheating if I failed to mention my short attention span just so it clear from the start ,so you know what your letting yourself in for after all I relationship with rocky foundations is bound to fall eventually.
Bulletboy-11 July 2005
Tuesday 11 Jul 05 11:16
Just like everything in my life at the moment your only temporary, a distraction from reality until I can face whatís really going on around me.
Im sitting by the phone counting all the times your voice has made me cry itís only your answer machine but every time it clicks I hold my breath for a split second and wish it wasnít.
Who new a phone call could change so much or the lack of one could hurt so bad?
I thought it was what you didnít know that couldnít hurt you.
[Thebestdamnliarinthewholeworld!Orthatswhatitellmys elf ]
Bulletboy-17 July 2005
Monday 17 Jul 05 17:15
How are you today? I feel I havenít paid you much attention in the past week but things are moving slowly now and I have time to breathe.
You know when you get so used to something you donít even notice it anymore?
Like the slight accent only becomes apparent when I havenít heard your voice for a while.
every 20 seconds for the past 2 years the alarm in the hall has bleeped, not very loud but defiantly noticeable. Though as I sit here writing this I donít hear it. Not sure whets more unsettling, that I donít here it, or the thing that makes me feel safe is knowing that itís bleeping because the batteries have gone
its like you I know that in the end you will only cause me pain but for now your sort of comforting and maybe in time I will grow so used to you I wont even notice your hurting me.............................. or has that already happened?
Bulletboy-21 July 2005
Friday 21 Jul 05 17:29
I have an exam tomorrow I wish it was on you I know every chipped and crooked tooth that bit into my lip every fleck of green in your heavily made up eyes and every single curl in your "naturally straight hair".
Muscle memories bullshit apart from when I reach for you in the middle of the night!
Currently reading: your mind
I watched dear Wendy today isnít it messed up how I wish I was the gun?
I could continue writing this and like everything else make it feel real. Itís easy to lie to other people but to yourself?.... thatís a real talent . Isnít it sad Iíve got it down to a science?
Iíll drop out of this like ive done before out of windows out hearts out of fashion out of sight.
I find it almost impossible to keep anything going so why do I take it so hard when I fail?
Donít wait up kid the next entry relies on me and thatís never a good thing.
Bulletboy-22 July 2005
Saturday 22 Jul 05 16:00
Sometimes I feel like im on the outside looking in sometimes I fell like im on the inside looking out sometimes im sick of looking.
Currently reading: the little prince
I wish I was his single rose in the glass cage. Ive was stung more than once by you.
I saw you today but not how you think..... I saw you in myself. In the way I walked (head bent ....sort of down trodden) and the way I found it almost impossible to look anyone in the eye. Why are you so defeated when the battle hasnít even started ? You donít even have to be here to make me cry..........
..........mascara bleeds black tears.
On paper you would probably be my worst enemy Your every thing in not and nothing that I Want but what I hate is what I love Your the Worst and Best thing That ever happened to me
you were a
Of self inflicted pain
An apathetics dream
Bulletboy -06 august 2005
Saturday 05 august 22:27
Its been a while since my last entry but nothings really changed it almost makes me miss the fast paced months I spent with you ...almost. Iíve spent a week with my thoughts and come to the conclusion I donít really have that much to think about anymore.
Location: somewhere in-between creative genius and insanity
Yesterday I sorted through a box of my old stuff. I found a photo album all the pictures were religiously cut to size and labelled things like "Christmas 94" or "ice creams on the beachĒ. As I was flicking through it accrued to me that there was no photographs of the hard times, the tears , the tantrums. Those sorts of memories are shoved to the back of a draw somewhere as if they never happened. Looking through you would think my upbringing was flawless. All gathered round a table or lined up in height order grinning at the camera strategically placed in front of the most festive or tidy backdrop. This is the way itís always been and probably always will be ............ but then again faking is my speciality!
I happened across a collection of letters from you. At one time I knew them all by heart, now there just questions ive forgotten the answers to and stories I cant remember the endings of. Back then it felt like we were the most important thing ...... the story of the year but in the grand scheme of things we were barely a moment in time. Reading them reminded me of the times id dabbled with black magic in an attempt to win your heart or worse still the times id hit the bottle because I didnít. You would think I would have learnt by now thereís no genie at the bottom all that lies with the dregs of JD are regrets and more problems.