Thread: Feedback please
View Single Post
Old 08-19-2006, 01:00 PM   #1
TeenLit Newbie
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 2
Default Feedback please

Heres the first paragraph of a fantasy story i am going to write a bit similar to the David Gemmel books:

The thirty disciples were surrounded, outnumbered, the ranks of incubi warriors could be seen all over the hills surrounding the valley. Ebus; king of the incubi people let himself smile as he watched the disciples, which had defeated his legions and foiled his plans so many times in the past, prepare to meet their doom. But unknown to Ebus, who had studied them for years and had killed many. The disciples did not regard this ambush as a threat! As the first wave of incubi charged them, Sither the head of the disciples used his overwhelming holy strength and swinging his legendary hammer: archimondre smashed the first line of the incubi! Sensing the mans power they did not meet him with their swords but called an archer who strung his bow and released an arrow straight at Sither, Raven, the archer of the disciples saw the arrow and with his lifetime of training, calculated and fired his own arrow smashing the incubi arrow inches before it hit his master, Sither simply nodded his thanks, he had seen raven do better. As the battle progressed more and more incubi were slain without any sign of the disciples lacking in strength.
Ebus could not believe what he was witnessing as the last ranks of incubi began to climb the piles of bodies to get to the disciples.
“Unreal?” Ebus muttered as the last of his incubi were slain by the disciples.
“General!” Ebus yelled. A scrawny snivelling man appeared escorted by two of the templars; the opposite of the disciples who wield pain and suffering as their ally in their dark magic.
“Yes sir?” Whimpered the general.
“Explain why your one thousand strong legion could not simply kill thirty bishops?”
“Sir I’m am sorry they are to stro…” The general chocked. He coughed and spluttered. Then he began gagging on something stuck in his throat. After minutes of this torture the general vomited buckets of black oil and died. The templar’s released their curse and condemned him to hell.
“The disciples are not strong, the light is not strong… you are not strong.” Interrupted the templars!
maya129 is offline   Reply With Quote