Thread: A Second Chance
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Old 08-10-2006, 06:08 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 7
Default Anubis!

I was skimming through some of the stories on here and noticed the word Anubis. THAT caught my attention since my entire novel is based off of Egyptian legend and myth, and I have a scene in my novel that is very close to this one. I loved it. Of course, I love anything with Egyptian Gods.

It was the little things that made this story fun for me. The lack of shadow, the description of the scale before we knew what it was, the fact that you started in the MIDDLE of the story, and gave me a character with a problem from sentence one.

Two suggestions: The first one deals with redundancy. I think you could make this story move faster and flow smoother if you turned sentences like, "if slipped from importance to irrelevancy" to "it slipped from relevancy."

The second is that I wasn't sure how old your character was. With such a long list of misdeeds, I assumed him to be a little older, but the way his mother treats him in the end made me think much younger. Is there a way you could clear this up for your reader? If he is younger, could Anubis say something like, "So young for so many infractions." If he is older, should his mother treat him like "little Jake" (Maybe this is just how his mother is, and her treatment of him could lead to some of his sins... but if so, it should be characterized somewhere)?

But again, this was so good, I'll be reading it again very soon... like right now...
~~Rick Chiantaretto, author of Facade of Shadows. See

“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”
~Gene Fowler
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