Okay, I'm a bit confused. Did your grey turn to blue because your character discovered that this boy liked her, or did it turn to blue, and then back grey because of the confusion your character felt by his confession? I'm pretty sure it is the latter, but it would be really interesting for you to focus on that conflict a bit more. Every story needs conflict, and this is the perfect place to expand.
If this is a personal experience, remember that as a reader, we don't know you, and we don't know your characters. You may want to tell us a bit more about the situation so that we can relate to why your character acts the way she does. Knowing that she liked someone who wasn't the boy who bought the game before he showed up, for example, would have helped us understand her.
My first reaction was, "Wow! How sincere." Your writing flows well, is easy to read, and is full of emotion. You made this rather common conflict come to life for me. That takes talent! I particularly liked the phrases "lugging around" and "splayed out." Great descriptions.
~~Rick Chiantaretto, author of Facade of Shadows. See www.facadeofshadows.com
“Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”
Last edited by facadeofshadows : 08-10-2006 at 05:49 PM.