Join Date: Jul 2006
For the Blue
It was a beautiful day. The sky was bright blue, the perfect color for a summer day. Even more perfect were the threatening clouds on the horizon. Those more suited my purpose here. The water below me was streaked with shining rivulets of sunlight, sparkling for all their worth. It was as if the world was conspiring against my plan, trying to convince me not to do what I had to. But the black line in the distance held firm my resolve. A note was in the kitchen, and here I was, standing on the edge of an abyss, a hundred foot drop to the water below me. I was ready to take that fall. What was there left to live for? Empty promises of a better tomorrow, never to stand up to the breaking dawn? No, I would go through that no longer. I had come here to die, and that was what I was going to do.
My parents would miss me, but I couldn’t think about that. I would never live to see my baby brother say his first word, take his first steps. I regretted that, but my decision was made. I was tired of the lack of love in my life. My parents didn’t love each other, and it was killing me. Yes, they slept together, and they said they loved each other, but what did words mean? Words could fix nothing. Words were what betrayed my daily existence. “I’ll be at your concert”, “We’ll have fun, I promise”, “I love you darling”, “Tomorrow will be better,” whispered at day’s end, never to amount to anything. But what else was there to trust other than words? Nothing. My life had come to a screaming halt of insecurity.
The clouds were moving in closer, threatening a storm. The wind picked up speed and ferocity, whipping my hair in a swirling vortex around my head, the ends stinging my face. I pulled off my shoes and dropped them, spinning, tumbling like and acrobatic act gone wrong, until they hit the water with a small splash. I gripped the concrete edge with my toes and peered down. A sob tore out of my throat and I sat with a thud. I had been so sure I wanted to do this. There was no other option. I had tried talking to people, but once again words had failed me. I had tried cutting, but all that left me with was blood on my hands, a throb in my wrists, and another secret to keep. I had planned this for weeks, waiting for a day when no one was around, when the roads weren’t busy. And now it was falling own around me.
I had stopped to think, to look. I loved my parents, I loved my brother, I loved my friends, I wasn’t ready to see them go. I tucked my knees into my chest and rested my chin on them. The clouds were fully overhead, and the wind was threatening my precarious position. I had to make this decision; no one else could do it for me. I chanced another glimpse at the water beneath me. It was dark grey, no longer shining and friendly, with frenzied waved blown up by the wind. I looked to the sky, stormy grey clouds billowing above my head. For a split second, the wind in all its glory blew the clouds aside, and there I saw a hint of the blue that had graced the sky only minutes before, but it was soon hidden once again by the blackened sky. Was life really worth living?
I took a deep breath. My decision was made. Then I took the step into my destiny.
Do not pass by my epitaph, traveler.
But having stopped, listen and learn, then go your way.
There is no boat in Hades, no ferryman Charon,
No caretaker Aiakos, no dog Cerberus.
All we who are dead below
Have become bones and ashes, but nothing else.
I have spoken to you honestly, go on, traveler,
Lest even while dead I seem loquacious to you.
Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...
-- William Wordsworth