Thread: nonsense
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Old 05-08-2006, 11:00 PM   #2
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I think you're trying too hard to rhyme. If you're being satirical here with the rhyme, it still seems forced. You could go with the 'childish' feeling you've got in the last too lines, if you want to keep the rhyming couplets, but the '*****' lines ruin it. They make me know that you're taking yourself seriously, trying to be edgy: at least, that's how it seems to me.

Couplets are hard. Either try to make them whimsical and fun [read some Shel Silverstein!] or steer away from them. It is hard to make them sound serious, and if you want serious/deep/emotional, try something new. Don't rhyme, and don't fall into cliche imagary as you start to construct images and metahpors in your poem. Blood, cutting, harlots, getting dumped, butterflies, pits, hell, roses, and tears are some things that don't go over well.

Look around for something personal to write about, but not so personal that you feel you must stick to the truth, or that you're expressing your innermost emotions. Think of a memory, a prized object, a favorite hiding place. Writing about concrete things is good practice, and makes for good poetry.
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