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Old 05-05-2006, 05:57 PM   #3
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Your stuff is all very stream-of-conciousness; I'm guessing that you sit down and write whatever the heck comes to mind, and then form it into a poem...or something to that effect. I'm not even going to argue or anything about structure -- I like punctuation, you throw commas at the end of every line, whatever. Maybe sometime in the future, I'd like to see you try different structures and styles, just as practice, but that's all personal preference.

Still, you're coming out with some good stuff as you write. You have good ideas, stuff that would be good to be expanded, or pulled together. Even if you like the 'drifting' or 'thoughful' style like this, bringing the thoughts together into something solid helps. Repeated lines or phrases...some you could get rid of or condense [if you say something and it's all spread out, you could try to boil that idea down into just a few words]

I'm not saying that poems can't be long; length can be interesting and gives you something to work with.

I like this:
And i want to be the Goblin Queen,
Like i was when i was six,
I want to kiss the statue of my fallen king,
and the bold line is especially interesting. I would have liked to see that as the center of this poem...maybe it's a start for another one? Playing on memories can work really well.
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