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Unwilling · 04-17-2006, 05:25 PM

I'm not sure in this case. I'm not going to carry out any insight prior to reading this. All I get is an elegy of some moral abstraction and you're casting it away forever [or a long period of time that is equivalent to forever in my eyes.]

I'm already am not a fan of cynicism, so my brows are lowered at the moment. Truth be told, you're saying hello to the moral so lionized in today's world and you're welcoming an abstraction completely opposing the one you first got rid of. [truth/untruth]. Well, that's an overexaggerated unreality. It's not really like that.

I would play around with some images a bit more. You don't need to have a large dictionary crammed gluttonously in your head to realize that you can do it. I mean, okay,

Hello to the black hands,
That claps when she dies,

That’s okay. But perhaps you can develop even more of the mood if you did something like "kiss the spitshined black,/that claps when she dies." of course, I create words [that should be part of the English language in my opinion.] when the word I wish to use doesn't exist. So try and play around with some words.

With that said, I personally look down upon repetition. Hello, this, goodbye that. I think one can feel your darknaturedness if the hello and goodbye were replaced with something that is used seldom. Hello and goodbye are very casual gestures--and I believe you can find other ways to announce the arrival of these new abstract vices. I challenge you to help me out. [I see that you use "see" often here to. No marvel? No gaze? No discover?]

The ending I know is meant to be strong. I know that. I can feel that it is. However, the whole gun thing to a degree [and it's not a heavy degree], is betrayal, and an unexpected one, but we're imagining that someone is doing that. And it makes us cringe. And that makes us hypocrites because we do so many bad things. [the humans] It’s not a surprising message; I sometimes want to destroy the humans, but alas, I don’t have the weaponry. Anyways, I think it would be in your best interest to try a different image/way to commemorate the way the humans fear the tables being turned against them.

I hope I wasn’t being too harsh, or too lenient.

04-17-2006, 05:25 PM	#2
Unwilling TeenLit Regular Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 67	I'm not sure in this case. I'm not going to carry out any insight prior to reading this. All I get is an elegy of some moral abstraction and you're casting it away forever [or a long period of time that is equivalent to forever in my eyes.] I'm already am not a fan of cynicism, so my brows are lowered at the moment. Truth be told, you're saying hello to the moral so lionized in today's world and you're welcoming an abstraction completely opposing the one you first got rid of. [truth/untruth]. Well, that's an overexaggerated unreality. It's not really like that. I would play around with some images a bit more. You don't need to have a large dictionary crammed gluttonously in your head to realize that you can do it. I mean, okay, Hello to the black hands, That claps when she dies, That’s okay. But perhaps you can develop even more of the mood if you did something like "kiss the spitshined black,/that claps when she dies." of course, I create words [that should be part of the English language in my opinion.] when the word I wish to use doesn't exist. So try and play around with some words. With that said, I personally look down upon repetition. Hello, this, goodbye that. I think one can feel your darknaturedness if the hello and goodbye were replaced with something that is used seldom. Hello and goodbye are very casual gestures--and I believe you can find other ways to announce the arrival of these new abstract vices. I challenge you to help me out. [I see that you use "see" often here to. No marvel? No gaze? No discover?] The ending I know is meant to be strong. I know that. I can feel that it is. However, the whole gun thing to a degree [and it's not a heavy degree], is betrayal, and an unexpected one, but we're imagining that someone is doing that. And it makes us cringe. And that makes us hypocrites because we do so many bad things. [the humans] It’s not a surprising message; I sometimes want to destroy the humans, but alas, I don’t have the weaponry. Anyways, I think it would be in your best interest to try a different image/way to commemorate the way the humans fear the tables being turned against them. I hope I wasn’t being too harsh, or too lenient.